Fake it till you make it

By Nury Vittachi

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Warning: I may fall asleep halfway through this posting.

    Your humble narrator has been travelling for almost 24 hours, right across the world to Europe. I have just settled into a hotel room in The Hague, Holland. It's funny, in cartoons of Holland, you always see windmills and wooden clogs and tulips – well, the real thing also has all those things in clear view.

                What am I doing here? I'm not really sure. The organizers of Winternachten, a literary festival, invited me and lots of other writers to appear on stage.

                The theme of the festival is "Fake It Till You Make It" so that suits me fine—it's exactly what we were discussing the last couple of days, by coincidence.

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Back to the theme of finding the right job for you.

                People going to job interviews inevitably take a stance of Humble Supplicant. Their heads shrink into their shoulders and they have a "please-please-please employ me" air about them.

No, no, no. People react negatively to desperation.

Instead, use the Fake It Till You Make it system to give yourself an irresistible air of confidence. Act you like already have the job.
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1.  Upon entering the office for the first time, walk straight past the receptionist, saying: "Hold my calls."
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2. Ask someone for directions to the boss's office, referring to him in a familiar way. "So where does Fat Boy JJ sleep these days?"
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3. When you reach his office, march past his secretary, noting her name from her desk, and saying: "Hi, Connie, I need to see JJ RIGHT NOW." She'll assume you're the chairman's nephew.   
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4. Go in without knocking and sit down immediately, saying to the boss: "We need to talk." The boss will be wondering who you are, but since you are acting as if you own the place, he will be unwilling to ask directly, in case you DO.
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5. He'll probably be on the phone to someone, so pass the time by pulling a tape measure out of your pocket and measuring his office, nodding to yourself. This will focus his attention wonderfully.

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6. When he lowers the handset, pick up the photo of his wife, grimace at it, and then replace it with the words: "Time for a trophy wife. Leave it with me. I’ll get it sorted." Wink.
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7. At this stage, he will probably ask a few questions to try to work out who you are. "Remind me, what are we supposed to be meeting about today?" he will say. Respond to all such questions by laughing uproariously, as if he has made the best joke you've heard for days.

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8. After he has subsided into confused silence, lean over his desk. Refer to him by his family name. Use the plural pronoun for yourself. "Listen, Lee, old man, we think it's best for me to be on your payroll at the moment. Until we sort things out 'upstairs', know what I mean? What have you got available?"

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9. In response to this, he will name one or more vacant positions. Choose the grandest one, and then add the word "executive" to the front of it, as in "executive financial controller", "executive communications officer" or "executive toilet cleaner". (In modern Businessese the "executive" prefix indicates that the possessor of the title does no actual work.)

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10.  He will then try to use the "Necessary Bureaucracy" technique to try to find out who you are.  "Sure, but we'll need to sort out your paperwork," he'll say. "Is your resume on file?"

                My recommended answer is: "Be a good little man and make something up for me." At this point, you may wish to pat him on the head.

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Then stand up abruptly, telling him you will be back the following day and you expect your desk to be ready.

                On the way out, give the secretary your name and your new job title. "Get some business cards made for me, gorgeous. I'd like them on my desk first thing tomorrow if it's no trouble."

                This technique guarantees you will get the job.

Or at least die trying.

Comments

[fardel]

Hi Nury
What an idea to go to Europe on one of the coldest winter in years?
I feel sorry for you,
Holland is a beautiful country.Take the time to visit it, and enjoy it ,
But please !do not die freezing!

[Starched Brown]

I was in The Hague just a week ago! You must visit Madurodam the miniature city and Indonesian food is big news there!
have a fun stay or at least fake it till you make it!!! ;)

[Starched Brown]

I was in The Hague just a week ago! You must try and visit Madurodam the miniature city. Indonesian food is big news there!
Have a fun stay or at least fake it till you make it!!! ;)

[alberthahaha6]

Hi Nury, I'm constantly perusing your blogs, and yes, by far, I think there's nothing that isn't OK. I mean, you're a darn good writer! And just a query: Where can I buy your books here in the Philippines? I'd appreciate it much if you respond sooner than later.

[Mr Jam]

Thanks for the good advice, guys. You're right -- it's really cold. But Europe is lovely, too -- clear blue skies, nice buildings, good coffee. And as long as you are wrapped up warmly, the temperature doesn't matter. Thanks for the advice about what to see, Starched Brown -- we get a day off tomorrow, so I'm in need of good ideas.

As for your request, Albert, writers usually have no idea at all about book distribution. I assume some of my books are in your country, but I have no way of telling where they are, I'm afraid. When I get back to my office next I will ask the distributor. Otherwise, you can always go via Amazon. Actually, my new book is getting good reviews. It's called Mr Wong Goes West and you can get it on www.allenandunwin.com , as I am not sure whether it is on Amazon yet. Thanks so much for showing an interest.

[Starched Brown]

Oh dear! It must be about 4 pm there...which means you are either out there already or waiting for my good ideas (which I doubt!)...hmm if you manage to read this then I suggest some museums although I didn't get to do that. Besides madurodum I think you could catch a train to amsterdam and visit the anne frank museum? I went there. stood there and cried. It was overwhelming. and the van gogh museum. the dam square. the red light district and a canal ride. also try to get your hands on their wonderful pancakes--i still dream about those.

hope this helps!
cheers!