Truth in personal ads

By Nury Vittachi

*

Looking over a friend's shoulder recently, I read a personal ad on a Hong Kong dating website:

"Tall Guy, Age 36. Are there any nice guys left? After me, I'm not sure."

      "How arrogant," I said. "There are three billion men on this planet, so there MUST be a few other nice unmarried guys."

      My friend considered this point. "There aren't," she said. "I checked."

*
I had a look at the women's page of the same website. Female ads seemed more honest, such as this one:

"Hong Kong female, age 38, seriously looking for a good and sincere man for marriage. I am fun to be with sometimes." The presence of "sometimes" on the end of that sentence means that's a girl you can trust.
*
But the most blisteringly honest personal ads in the world come from Ireland. Here are three: 
       "Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancée, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches."

      "Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon."

       "Limerick man, 26, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 24 between 8 pm and 11:30 pm."
*
You occasionally get honest ads from Asia, such as this recent one from Bangladesh: "Male, 34, Dhaka. I am a fighter looking for who will fight with me. Interests: Chess, cricket, cooking something special, jokes, singing, fighting with someone special."

*
Here's an honest one I saw last week in an Indian newspaper: "Female, 22, non-veg. I am very emotional as 70 per cent of Indians are."

*
For me, ads in US publications are a little bit TOO honest, as this real example shows: "Desperate lonely loser, SWM, 32, miserable, apathetic, tired of watching TV and my roommate's hair fall out. Seeks depressed, unattractive SWF, 25-32, no sense of humor, for long talks about the macabre." (SWM is single white male and SWF is single white female.)   
*
Some advertisers ask for too much. This is from a personal ad I saw recently on a Sri Lankan dating website: "Male, 20, from Ettampitiya area. I'm looking for a girlfriend who should be a friend, a sister, a mother and a lover to me. That's all."

*
The first personal ad ever appeared in the UK's Manchester Weekly Journal in 1727. Helen Morrison wrote a tiny note indicating that she wished to make the acquaintance of a pleasant gentleman with whom to pass the time. She was arrested and committed to an insane asylum for four weeks.

*
Meanwhile, a friend of mine who regularly answers personal ads, gave me lessons on how to read them.

"I am 40-ish" means "I am 49."

"Average-looking" means "I am hideous."

"I am feminist" means "I am fat."

"I am cuddly" means "I am very fat."

"I am voluptuous" means "I am a human whale."

"I am fun" means "I am really annoying and I talk all the time."

"I am gentle" means "I am incredibly boring."

"I am young at heart" means "I am an ancient, wizened crone."

"I am good-looking" means "I am arrogant."

*
You know what's really scary? Out of all the ads quoted above, "Devil-worshipper" sounds the most appealing.

Comments

[Ariel]

You need to look up the London Review of Books for some of the quirkiest personal ads ever...

[Apprentice of Life]

Absolutely hilarious. Some 20 years ago I read a personal ad in the New Yorker magazine (I worked it out that the ad had to have cost somewhere close to $1000 at that time) where a woman wrote about all that she could offer - Ivy league education, world traveller, stunning good looks, great body, poise, class, etc, in turn, she asked for: CEOs or millionaire equivalent, and that she could make a great home for the guy and in return, the lucky gentleman will have an arm candy with a brain and credentials to boot. That is ballsy!

[fardel]

Overheard on my job ,from a 20+ young lady in search for Prince Charming:
--How is it that all the nice beautiful guys are gay,
What a waste ?
That was six years ago; she is still looking.....
I can imagine her ad;
young pretty , rich-to-be woman, looking for beautiful man, for long term commitment;
Yes that's you , hurry up.... You cannot miss this offer;
The clock is ticking.....

[Nury]

Thanks, Ariel and Apprentice -- you've given me some ideas for follow-ups, much appreciated.

In the meantime, Fardel, I've just noticed your name is in Hamlet's speech - To be or not to be. What is a "fardel" and what is Hamlet talking about?!

[fardel]

That IS THE question;

[tc]

Ariel - thanks for the tip on LRB. Some of the ads are brilliant, and some are just plain strange. Excellent!

[fardel]

Nury
I Just spoke with my ancestors; they confirm that they never met this Hamlet chap, never talked to him either.
They do not know what he means either.........

When I finish "only in Hong Kong" , I shall read Hamlet again, but in English this time
Maybe I shall have your answer

I imagine that you have been searching why I would use this name , and how to relate it to my comments,do I?

In the old gaelic language a fardel was the package one tied to a stick before travelling, containing all of one's belongings.
The answer is not there;

I did not choose the word, it was given to an ancestor,very long time ago;

[Ricardo]

FARDEL

See http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/fardel?view=uk, the on-line Oxford, or http://www.thefreedictionary.com/fardel, the Free Dictionary, for a definition of "fardel" - "bundle","pack", "burden".

Hamlet asks who would carry a burden (fardel) when he could end the whole thing with a "bare bodkin", ie a large needle or a stiletto. Or, to put in modern terms, "who would put up with this crap when he could top himself?"

[fardel]

Thank for the explanation.
Does it mean that I should wear an armor if I keep posting comments?

[Nury]

Are you sure a "bare bodkin" is a large needle? It sounds like something rather more indecent to me!

Meanwhile, the word "fardel" could have many meanings.

"to fardel": to caress someone or something in a sensual way

"a fardel": small explosion of intestinal gas

"you fardel": an insult

"they fardelled": a type of winter sport similar to skiing

[fardel]

Thats it, thats it!
I surrender ,I give up , I quit !

I am too busy for fardelling the worldwide web to verify if these definitions are true or if you made it up.
They are mostly bad news
Before somebody bare-bodkins my backside, for fardelling the idea of getting rich and famous,without working too much,I quit.
I cannot chance to poison the planet with a fardel of great magnitude;
I cannot chance be called a fardel for my comments by some bad tempered reader
Therefore I announce officially that as a fardel ,I stop writing in your columns as of ........ right now

By the way
while searching for definitions I found the following in the 2009 edition of the funster Dictionary
Hong Kong translates in English as :Manhattan-in-Asia
Workaholism : the second addiction in which one can make money .
Aviation is the first one, by a high margin

Nury, I like the new presentation of your website ::

Nury and his gang : wow!!!!

[Jan]

A friend and I once got detention for getting the giggles whilst watching a film of Hamlet at school [with, I think, Olivier hamming it up wildly] when he came to this speech - we envisaged a 'Fardels Bear' and were busy drawing pictures of a cute cuddly teddy when the English teacher caught us! So, Fardel, be happy to be a cuddly bear!

[ledraf]

Jan
Detention for laughing at Hamlet?
I am not surprised that you are part of Nury's gang of funsters

Thank you for your kinds words.
Never imagined myself as a bear, even a cuddly one

[Ismsons]

i just read in a Bangladeshi news paper:
A doctor, tall , dark and handsome,is looking for a bride, Brides qualifications: Goodlooking,Tall, Fair, Slim,and must have a foreign passport.

[Dating Hong Kong]

This is an excellent post that really made me laugh. It's quite amazing to see how people describe themselves and how brutally honest and downbeat they can be. You have to wonder why they haven't tried to change considering they know about their bad traits. I agree that the devil worshipper seems to have some nice hobbies, shame about the cat slaughtering really!