Everyone agrees that no one ever agrees about anything
By Nury Vittachi
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Every big, international newspaper I have looked at has carefully explained to readers that hitting someone with a shoe is an expression of disrespect in Iraq.
Huh? So in the rest of the world, thumping someone with a boot shows love?
This is so dumb. If an Iraqi hugged George W. Bush, no doubt correspondents will feel the need to tell us that hugging is a unique Iraqi expression of positive feelings.
Why are journalists so often unable to see how silly they sound? I actually have a theory which explains this: People can be incredibly stupid. (Sorry, were you expecting something deeper?)
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Below is proof that many humans have the intelligence quotient of boiled potatoes.
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In the wire report about the shoe-throwing incident, a man said "every Iraqi citizen" believed that throwing shoes was the right thing to do. This is despite the fact that you can clearly see other Iraqi citizens on the video stopping the shoe-thrower and beating him to a pulp.
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Asians in particular are often assumed to be entirely conformist. Citizens are often presented as robots united in every thought, even though it would take mere seconds to prove this wrong.
Here are some examples from my notebooks.
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In a speech last year in Hong Kong about stock market fever Professor Joseph Sung Jao-yiu said: "Every Hong Kong citizen is watching day and night on the TV monitor." (Er, actually, no, professor. Most of the audience consisted of students whose preferred screen was Nintendo.)
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An economic report from ANZ Bank executive Amy Auster said: "Everyone in China believes the stock market is overvalued." (Everyone? Are 100 million Chinese babies gurgling in their prams: "Goo-goo, ga-ga, stock market over-valued"?)
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In the India Daily newspaper, a "special correspondent" wrote: "Every Indian believes they know English very well." On the Oh-Indian.com website, an article explains that sinners are published after death. "Each and every Indian believes this," it says. (Really? Even the atheists?)
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In a 2003 speech, Sri Lanka politician Milinda Moragoda talks about government attempts to fix his country's problems: "There is no doubt that every Sri Lankan believes it is our last opportunity to get things right." (What about the attempts in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008? Did every citizen get all those wrong too?)
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In the talkback columns of Singapore's stomp.com.sg website, we find: "Every Singaporean wants to own a car." (Yes, in that city even quadriplegics spend their time leafing through automobile catalogues.)
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The "everyone agrees" syndrome is Asia-wide. In a Kuala Lumpur newspaper we see a letter signed by Lt-Jen (retired) Datuk Abdullah Samsudin: "Every Malaysian agrees that we should have a disaster warning system." And here are the words of commentator Asma Akhter on a Bangladesh website: "Every Bangladeshi believes that the USA can play an effective role in bringing peace along the border." In a readers' forum on the web edition of the Jakarta Post, a reader named Sjeline writes: "Every Indonesian wants to be the President."
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There are practical difficulties in reducing populations to single, united entities.
For example, leaders of the world's electric power utilities met in Macau recently for a conference. Before the event started, a reporter asked the organizing committee's chairman Franklin Willeyms for a comment. His reply: "We look forward into meeting everyone in Macau."
Everyone? Well, that should keep them busy.
