Tainted products from the West

Contaminated traffic moves both ways

By Nury Vittachi

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Buyer, beware. Tainted products are heading back into the headlines. But this time they're moving from West to East.

Massive numbers of items exported from North America and Europe to Asia contain more than DOUBLE the permitted dosage of Western permissiveness, according to a joint communiqué issued yesterday by the Asian Societies Summit, an organization based in this reporter's imagination.

                The erupting scandal appears set to dwarf the Chinese melamine-milk scare of the autumn.

"These Western items corrupt the minds of a whole generation of young people, whereas the tainted milk we produced merely kills them," a spokesman from the Chinese Ministry of Diary Products and Other Industrial Poisons said.
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The problem was identified after a spot test on a shipment of Baywatch DVDs moving through South Asia on its way to Singapore.  "Every one of them had excessive amounts of liberal Western ideology," said cargo inspector Anand Chowdhury. "Members of the inspection panel hyperventilated after seeing images of people in bikinis, and several conservative members from Islamic nations fainted when they were informed that many of these were in fact women."
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So far, "unacceptable" rates of permissiveness have been found in Western DVDs, computer games, magazines and tourists from France.

Indian economist Deepak Bakpak said the single worst offender so far was MTV, a channel running videos of young people cavorting in a decadent manner in luxurious surroundings. "Our analysis showed that a single day's viewing contained 88.9 per cent unrealizable expectations, against a United Nations-recommended limit of 2.6 per cent."
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American trade officials fought back, arguing that the tariff-free export of Baywatch videos, MTV broadcasts and magazines such as Maxim was protected under World Trade Organization laws allowing the unrestricted distribution of items of intellectual property.

But a joint Asian trade panel unanimously overruled this claim. "It's plainly ridiculous to use the word 'intellectual' in connection with Baywatch, MTV or Maxim," a spokesman said.

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Meanwhile, conservative nations such as Malaysia are experimenting with ways of digitally "adjusting" shows such as Baywatch to make them more suitable for Asian viewers.

                "Using digital technology, we have added a full-length burqa to Pam Anderson," said Ahmad Madman, a Kuala Lumpur professor of digital media. "In scenes where David Hasselhof appears topless, we have superimposed a bikini top."

The Malaysian experiment is proving a surprise success, with pirated copies selling at high prices across the United States.
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 However, Asian commentators are most intrigued by political elements in the debate.

                The communiqué condemning the imports from the West said: "We, the leaders of Asia, deplore the way US movies, TV shows and other items show people taking drugs, shooting weapons, being promiscuous, and openly changing their leaders from time to time."

                Privately, delegates spoke in stronger terms. One Myanmar general said:  "How on earth are Asian leaders supposed to keep our peoples in a state of subjugation when they are faced with movies which give the impression that Westerners live in rich, free societies?"

                A North Korean delegate, who gave his name as Kim, echoed this view: "Our people are told daily that they are living in the richest country in the world. Movies from the West should reflect this. Otherwise we will have no alternative but to lose control of our society, which would be a total pain in the butt."

 

Comments

[Adalina Lo]

I have hardly seen a Baywatch show in its entirety. But with Baywatch bimbos wearing burqas and jimbos wearing bras, I would love to watch it! I'd love to see all that sexual tension sizzle behind burqas. Oh yeah!

Nury, what would Hong Kong do without your daily reminder of what is true?

[Nury]

Thanks for your kind words, Adalina. I like your use of "jimbos" for male airheads, very clever. I have also seen the phrase "bimbos and manbos" to mean airheaded but beautiful women and men, but jimbos rhymes better.

Funny how the word "bimbo" originally was used for men. In my old PG Wodehouse books "Jeeves" etc, a bimbo is always a male.