The Curious Diary of Mr Jam

Top quotes of the year

A period of amazing utterances

By Nury Vittachi

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I WAS SHOCKED to read the comments of Adalina Lo for the recent postings.

"Human existence is so miserable," she wrote. "Personally, the only way I can survive is to have a bunch of cash and pretend all this pain isn't all there."

Adalina, dear friend, it sounds like you had a REALLY bad week.

Which is a surprise, since it is Christmas week, and you are a young person (I think, judging by the tone of your postings), so you should be pretty happy--December 25 is a time for young people to feel the magic of Christmas and for older ones to be enjoy it vicariously.

Anyway, I'm sure I speak for everyone in this little community when I send you best wishes and hope that your life improves 100-fold from tonight onwards -- as the clock ticks away and 2009 begins.
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Personally, I am always cheered up by the absurdity of life. Life is so full of surprises that one can never predict what's coming up. And when everyone is predicting gloom, you can bet that something quite different is on the horizon. I mean, just consider the changes that took place in the year which is now finishing.

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I suspect none of us are likely to forget 2008. It was a year of extraordinary headlines.

Bill Gates is no longer the boss of Microsoft.

The US is no longer the world's financial model.

The world's biggest investment banks have vanished.

This columnist is still not rich and famous. (Just thought I'd slip that one in.)
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It was the year in which many of us heard things that we never thought we'd hear.

For example, I was stunned in September to hear this REAL quote from a US Treasury Department spokeswoman explaining how the US$700 billion number was chosen for the Wall Street bailout: "It's not based on any particular data point, we just wanted to choose a really large number."

                So THAT'S how they do it. The world's most powerful financial experts sit in a big room and make up a number.

"Er, how about seventy?"

                "Why seventy?"

                "It's my IQ."

                "Mine, too. No, wait, hang on. Maybe it should be bigger."

                "Okay, how about 700?"

    "Let's make it WAY bigger, in case we get a percentage."

    "Okay, 700 BILLION."

                "Yeah, that'll do. Let's adjourn for a drink. Saving the world financial system is thirsty work!"

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Or perhaps the most amazing quote of the year came from US Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson who proposed a law saying: "Decisions by the secretary…may not be reviewed by any court of law or administrative agency."

                I wonder how THAT conversation went? He must have phoned George W. Bush. 
                Paulson: "Hey, Dub? I need a favour. Can you pass legislation putting me totally above the law so I can do anything I like?"

                Bush: "Sorta like God, you mean?"

                Paulson: "Yeah, that's about right."

                Bush: "Sure! Anything for my ole buddy Hank."
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And it's not just international politics, either.  In our personal lives, we all heard people saying things that we couldn't imagine them saying a year ago, thanks to a range of unexpected news events, from the contaminated melamine milk scandal to the rise of Australia's Chinese-speaking leader Kevin Rudd.

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Here are the top 10 most unexpected utterances of 2008.
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1. Cleaner to investment banker: "Let's meet for coffee. Don't worry, I'll pay."
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2. Health-conscious parent to thirsty child: "Put down that milk. If you're thirsty, go drink Coke."
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3. Parent to child: "See that black guy on TV? He's just been elected President of the United States of America."
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4. Newscaster to audience: "A US court found OJ Simpson guilty."
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5. Adult to adult: "You invested in the world's largest banks? No wonder you lost your money. You should have opted for something less dodgy, like a teenage dotcom start-up."
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6. Chinese citizen to Chinese protestor: "Sure you can trust the government. Just ask a Tibetan."
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7. Contestant to quizmaster: "What's the capital of Iceland? Er, ten dollars?"
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8. Visiting Caucasian leader to Chinese leader: "Let's talk in Mandarin. And, no, I won’t need the interpreter."
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9. Parent to child: "No, darling, Captain Jack Sparrow is not a Somali."
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10. Richard Dawkins, who made a fortune with his anti-religious bestselling book: "Thank God I'm an atheist."
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Yes, 2008 has been a year in which the human race has shown itself to be weirdest species in the universe. Just like every other year.
                Roll on 2009.
 

Bulletproof your job

By Nury Vittachi

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Thanks for the comments on the "life is like driving" post. 
                A bit of humor is SO important in these depressing times. I bought the Financial Times on the way to the office this morning and was shocked by how many articles in it focused on how bad life is going to be in 2009 (mostly about job losses). What an awful way to start the year.

               The way I see it, it's all a matter of attitude. Look at it this way:

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A wild new game is gripping the world's workers. It is called "Holding Onto Your Job".

Anyone can play. And you don't need special equipment.

                The rules: The first round begins on Monday at 9 am. All you have to do is stay employed until Friday, 5 pm.

If you make it, you’re a winner! Feel free to leap around, punching the air.

Losers: empty your desks and file out.

                The following week, you play it again. And the week after. In fact, economists believe this will be the world's top hobby for employed people for the next TWO YEARS.
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As a special gift to readers, we hereby present a list of six clever ways to stay on the winning team.  
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1. Create a strong, personal bond with the boss. Ideally, marry his daughter. If you are already married, convert to a way of life that involves having multiple partners, such as becoming a traditionalist Muslim, a traditionalist Mormon, or a Frenchman. If she is aged 13 or less, take it slooooow.

Note: If your boss has no daughter, simply marry HIM instead. This may be a problem if you are both the same sex, but it is not insurmountable. Simply move to a country which recognizes same-sex marriages, such as the Netherlands. Why not organize a business trip to Amsterdam and surprise him with a bunch of flowers and a candlelit dinner the first night? He'll be thrilled!
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2. Be a champion backstabber. Make up vile tales about the disgusting personal habits of your fellow workers and ensure the boss gets to know about them.  If you are in law or journalism, you probably won't even have to invent the stories.
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3. Make sure you know at least one major company secret. I suggest a quick snoop through the company files when the boss is out of town. Better still, take the secretaries out and get them drunk.  As a last resort, marry a secretary. (Or several, see point number one.)
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4. Hide essential files. Work out which projects are crucial to the future of the company and put yourself in charge of the documentation. Bury them in the local park. Let people know what you have done by strutting around the office, dusting soil off your fingers and making provocative movements with your eyebrows. (I can show you how to do this if you need help.)
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5. Take credit for everything good that happens. And I mean EVERYTHING. If the chairman makes a comment about the nice weather, explain that you hired a small plane and seeded the clouds so that they rained themselves out. If the boss comments that he enjoyed a particular movie, tell him that you wrote the screenplay in your spare time under a pen-name.
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6. Blame your co-workers for everything bad that happens. If there is an earthquake in California, tell your boss you overheard your colleagues discussing the bombs they planted around the San Andreas Fault.
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7. If your boss does decide to sack you, quickly borrow money, buy the company and sack him instead. You'll end up with a huge debt. But your former boss will shortly work out that his best move is to marry your daughter. Let him. He'll inherit the company and you can retire while he sorts out the problems. Easy as pie.
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Follow the steps above and you will stay employed.

Or at least go out with a bang.

The 90/50 rule

Knowing this can change your life

By Nury Vittachi
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Panic! It was a holiday morning and we were ricocheting around the walls of the apartment like squash balls.

We HAD to leave the house by 8:30 am, otherwise terrible things would happen: we would be late for our first appointment, and thus all the ones thereafter, and, worst of all, we wouldn't have time to stop for breakfast on the way.

That would mean I'd have to get through a busy day without Vitamin C, G or S. IMPORTANT MEDICAL ADVICE: Always have a daily dose of the three most important food groups: Vitamin Caffeine, Vitamin Grease and Vitamin Sugar.

So there we are, grabbing coats, bags, keys and phones, and jamming random shoes onto random children's feet (some of whom may have been next door's).

At that point my wife turned to me and said: "I'm going to go wait in the car." And off she went.

Now I know what you are thinking: in your standard TV sitcom, it is the husband who goes and sits in the car, honking the horn, while the wife finishes getting the kids ready.

But for some unknown reason, in my household it's the other way round.

Actually, maybe I DO know the reason. It is because husbands in sitcoms (and the wife in my household) is not familiar with the 90/50 principle.

There are lots of business books about the 80/20 principle, but (no offence intended to the writers of those books) they're rubbish. The 90/50 principle is far more applicable to real life. It goes like this: When you've done 90 per cent of any job, you still have 50 per cent to go.

It applies in every situation. Baking a cake takes 40 minutes, but the finishing touches, such as icing it, decorating it, and disguising the bit where one of the kids stuck her finger in it, takes another 40.

Eating one of my cousin's super-hot vindaloos takes only 20 minutes but there's an extra 20 minutes in the toilet before the experience truly comes to a close. 

Knowing the 90/50 principle can make you rich. You go to a publisher and say: "Let's do a book. I’ll write the whole thing, and take 90 per cent of the profits. You do the last little bit, fact-checking and proofreading and layout, and you get 10 per cent." It sounds reasonable. Yet you both end up doing the same amount of work, and you get the money.

 Anyway, back to that particular morning. In the first seven minutes the children had been awake, we got their faces washed, their teeth brushed, their bodies clothed and their feet mostly shod. They were 90 per cent ready to go when my wife decamped to the car.

And sure enough, it took me another seven minutes to do the final 10 per cent of the preparations: find the missing shoe, the non-scratchy hairbrush, the piece of paper with the address on, the favourite hairband, and so on.

             Just as I was leaving the house, a Fedex man arrived with a document: a proposal from a publisher about our latest book project. He wrote that he would handle publishing matters and take 90 per cent of the profits, while I would write the thing and get 10 per cent.

            Yes, publishers also know the 90/50 rule.

Heavens smile as science goes out of fashion

By Nury Vittachi

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To get home from work, I catch three separate buses. (Yeah, I know, weep for me.) One night, a miracle happened and I got a seat, which meant I could sleep sitting down instead of wedged between strangers (though that can be surprisingly comfortable). I was in a deep coma when I felt I was being watched.

I looked out of the window to see a huge multicolored face in the heavens. In a jet black sky were two shining eyes, one yellow, one red, and a big white smile, glowing like a toothpaste commercial.

My first thought was: Oh, no, a huge toothpaste commercial! The Colgate people have purchased the solar system!

But the lack of a red logo made me realize this was no ad. There were only two rational explanations: (a) a planet-sized clown was hovering over Earth; or (b) the Earth had drifted off course into a Universe of Planet-Sized Circus Personnel.

As the bus rattled along the roads, scattering cyclists and pedestrians as normal, the giant face moved with us.

The next morning, I scanned the newspapers to learn that folk in many countries had seen the face, caused by a horizontal moon appearing under Jupiter and Venus in a clear night sky.

At breakfast, I asked two companions, one deeply religious and the other devoutly anti-religious, for their opinions.

Religious friend: "It's a sign from God. He is happy with us."

Anti-religious friend: "Well, I don't believe in God or any of that stuff, but I do think that when we really need something, we visualize it and the universe kind of makes it happen. The universe has affirmed us."

In other words, they both thought the same thing.

At my computer, I looked up the National Geographic website for a scientific interpretation.

"The heavens smiled down on Earth," the website said.

It was interesting that no one dismissed it as a coincidental intersection of lifeless, soulless, bits of gas and rock millions of miles away. Everyone preferred to see it as A Message.

Clearly, rationalism is out of fashion. Even atheists have decided that it is cooler to believe that there's more to heaven and earth than stuff we can touch.

Incidentally, in the "related items" column of that National Geographic web page, there was a headline which said: "Dimmest Stars in the Universe Found." I didn't click on it, because I could guess what it was about. Clearly someone watched the TV show Zoey 101 and saw Britney Spears' sister Jamie Lynn and her colleagues trying to act.

And talking of dim stars, several readers wrote to me about small-time criminal Darnell Frazier. Stopped by police in the US city of St Paul, he gave them a fake name--although his real one was tattooed in large letters on his neck. This definitely wins him a position in our Dumb Criminals Hall of Fame.

We'll put him right next to Broken-Tooth Koi. This gentleman (real name Wan Kuok-koi) was a gangster in Macau who pleaded not guilty to being a gangster. Unfortunately, his trial coincided with the opening of a full-length movie bio-pic he had financed, which recreated, in tedious detail, how he had risen from the streets to become a gangster. Oops.When real life is that wacky, believing in planet-sized clowns, smiling from above, is easy.

Everything I need to know I learned on the road

By Nury Vittachi

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A European friend was booking a winter holiday that would take her to several Asian cities. "Shall I bring my driving license?" she asked on the phone.

                "Sure, if you want," I said. "Meanwhile, I’ll organize the funeral."

                Europeans should NEVER be allowed to drive in Asia unless they have medical proof of Total Invulnerability, ie, they need to have been born on the planet Krypton.

                You see, in England, if a car flashes its lights at you, the message is: "Do go first, please; I couldn't POSSIBLY take precedence."

                If a car flashes its lights at you in Asia, the message is: "I'm coming through! Banzaaaaai!"
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But you know what? I recently realized that learning to stay alive on the roads in this region is actually an excellent way of acquiring life skills. In fact, I would go so far as to say (ooh, I feel an aphorism coming up):

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Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned Driving a Car in Asia.
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1. If you unexpectedly get close to someone, give them a BIG smile.
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2. If you get close to someone who hasn't noticed you are there, make a loud noise.
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3. There will never be as many direction signs as you need.
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4. If you have right of way, but the other party is a massive great thing, actually THEY have right of way.
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5. Rules of the game at night differ from rules during the day.
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6. If everyone slows down, resist the temptation to overtake. People decelerate when there's a useful pay-off, such as Not Dying.
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7. If you find yourself in a fast-moving cluster, be the one at the back with your foot over the brake pedal.
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8. Anger is a blindfold.
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9. Get a full check-up at regular intervals.
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10. Suspiciously kind strangers who offer to drive you round the bend will eventually drive you round the bend.
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11. Bright lights blind people.
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12. Whenever the road ahead seems calm and clear, you are about to encounter something incredibly strange which will require urgent, evasive maneuvers.
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13. The more uneventful your journey has been, the weirder the interruptions will be.
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14. Behave yourself, as you can't always see the cameras.
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15. Guys: Sometimes some silly cow will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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16. Gals: Sometimes, some hairy gorilla will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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17. Multi-tasking is never a good idea.
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18. Feng shui amulets, Buddhas, or statues of Ganesh all offer the same amount of immunity from disaster, ie, none.
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19. All journeys are bumpy ones.
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20. The fact that you believe in clearly signaling your intentions does not mean that anyone else will.
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21. Momentum is something you CAN have too much of.
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22. The driver's attitude is more important than the vehicle's physical condition in achieving successful forward movement.
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23. Always travel with friends. (Can I be one of yours?)
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24. Finally, despite the existence of this and other lists of rules, remember:  there actually aren't any rules.
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Life is a journey. The journey IS the destination. You don’t get points for getting to the end of it more quickly than the rest of us.
                Happy Christmas.

How to speak Taxi

By Nury Vittachi

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I have a friend who can speak ANY language fluently after ten minutes. Yes, he can chat comfortably with the natives in their own tongue, before his backpack has appeared on the airport luggage carousel. I've seen him do it. What’s his trick?

“Each language has literally billions of possible sentences and phrases,” he said. “But almost none of them are needed by the visitor.”

Languages are designed for complex thoughts such as: “Do Wagnerian scherzos or Liszt’s trills require superior virtuosity?” he explained.

But a visitor's needs are simple and can be subdivided into three sections.

First, you have to decide whether to learn Taxi, Restaurant or Bar. Being young, he favours the third option, and can speak Bar in the Philippines, India, Vietnam, Indonesia and other places.

"Then I get someone to teach me the ten most important colloquial phrases. Each takes only a second or two to say. I repeat them until I can say them fluently," he said. "Ten minutes is plenty."

Intrigued, I asked him what the phrases were.
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1. The colloquial greeting, the equivalent of, “Yo! Whassup?"
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2. The exchange of names: “Hi, I'm Dave. You are?”
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3. The world's most important phrase: “Two beers please.”
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4. The world's second most important phrase: “Same again.”
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5. The standard compliment: “I really like your country.”
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6. The phrase which shows you are discriminating but not elitist: “This bar is a dump, but it's also kinda cool.”
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7. The bonding phrase which shows you are an insider: “Your government is REALLY bad, isn't it?”
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8. The phrase which deflects complex conversation: “I'm too tired to talk, let's dance.”
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9. The seduction phrase: “Come with me, I want to show you something.”
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10. The polite farewell phrase: “Thanks, catch you later.”
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Gaps are filled in with nods, “mmm” sounds and English words which are understood in every country, such as "yeah", "okay", and "no problem".
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Bar is a great language for a young man who goes to new countries and then heads to the nightclub area to befriend (in the male sense of "seduce") locals.

                But older people may prefer to speak Taxi. I know a Hong Kong woman who has moved to Shanghai. She knows only the Chinese phrases she needs to get around: her home address, her office address, and a few directional phrases.  She also has one useful, all-purpose Chinese phrase to guarantee good behaviour: "My sister is married to the chief of police."

                Her husband speaks Restaurant. He knows the Chinese names of all his favourite foods and how to call for a bill.
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But limiting yourself to Taxi, Restaurant or Bar can be problematic.

A friend of mine was at an international conference where everyone was required to provide their names in English and Chinese. Most of the English-speakers only spoke Taxi or Restaurant.

                As a result, they had no trouble providing English names, but the Chinese names they gave themselves had to be selected from the small list of words they knew.

As a result, they became: Mr Go Straight, Ms Good Morning, Ms Two Beers, Mr Keep the Change, Ms Bring the Bill, and Mr Stop Here.

 The Chinese delegates had a good laugh at the list of visitors' names. But they saved the highest praise for one man who had named himself Mr Don’t Speak Chinese.

At least he was honest.
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(Illustration: bar and cafe by Didier Laurenco)

We are all robots

Everyone agrees that no one ever agrees about anything
By Nury Vittachi

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Every big, international newspaper I have looked at has carefully explained to readers that hitting someone with a shoe is an expression of disrespect in Iraq.

                Huh? So in the rest of the world, thumping someone with a boot shows love?

                This is so dumb. If an Iraqi hugged George W. Bush, no doubt correspondents will feel the need to tell us that hugging is a unique Iraqi expression of positive feelings.

                 Why are journalists so often unable to see how silly they sound? I actually have a theory which explains this: People can be incredibly stupid. (Sorry, were you expecting something deeper?)
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Below is proof that many humans have the intelligence quotient of boiled potatoes.
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In the wire report about the shoe-throwing incident, a man said "every Iraqi citizen" believed that throwing shoes was the right thing to do. This is despite the fact that you can clearly see other Iraqi citizens on the video stopping the shoe-thrower and beating him to a pulp.
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Asians in particular are often assumed to be entirely conformist.  Citizens are often presented as robots united in every thought, even though it would take mere seconds to prove this wrong.

                Here are some examples from my notebooks.
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In a speech last year in Hong Kong about stock market fever Professor Joseph Sung Jao-yiu said: "Every Hong Kong citizen is watching day and night on the TV monitor." (Er, actually, no, professor. Most of the audience consisted of students whose preferred screen was Nintendo.)
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An economic report from ANZ Bank executive Amy Auster said:  "Everyone in China believes the stock market is overvalued." (Everyone? Are 100 million Chinese babies gurgling in their prams: "Goo-goo, ga-ga, stock market over-valued"?)
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In the India Daily newspaper, a "special correspondent" wrote: "Every Indian believes they know English very well." On the Oh-Indian.com website, an article explains that sinners are published after death. "Each and every Indian believes this," it says. (Really? Even the atheists?)
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In a 2003 speech, Sri Lanka politician Milinda Moragoda talks about government attempts to fix his country's problems: "There is no doubt that every Sri Lankan believes it is our last opportunity to get things right." (What about the attempts in 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007 and 2008? Did every citizen get all those wrong too?)
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In the talkback columns of Singapore's stomp.com.sg website, we find: "Every Singaporean wants to own a car." (Yes, in that city even quadriplegics spend their time leafing through automobile catalogues.)
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The "everyone agrees" syndrome is Asia-wide. In a Kuala Lumpur newspaper we see a letter signed by Lt-Jen (retired) Datuk Abdullah Samsudin: "Every Malaysian agrees that we should have a disaster warning system." And here are the words of commentator Asma Akhter on a Bangladesh website: "Every Bangladeshi believes that the USA can play an effective role in bringing peace along the border." In a readers' forum on the web edition of the Jakarta Post, a reader named Sjeline writes: "Every Indonesian wants to be the President." 
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There are practical difficulties in reducing populations to single, united entities.  

                For example, leaders of the world's electric power utilities met in Macau recently for a conference. Before the event started, a reporter asked the organizing committee's chairman Franklin Willeyms for a comment. His reply: "We look forward into meeting everyone in Macau."

Everyone? Well, that should keep them busy.
 

An instruction manual for babies

By Nury Vittachi

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One of my workmates just became a father. He's in a state of shock.

I’ll tell you why men have difficulty coping with newborns. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, like other cool, portable accessories.

Hey! Guys need clear, detailed directions in a style we're used to. So here they are.
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The Baby Manual for Modern Men

Congratulations on acquiring Microswift Baby 0.1. Your Baby will give you years of fun if maintained properly.

But first, take a moment to register. Click here to register now. Or click here if you want Microswift to send a representative to your home who will pop up from under the sofa at regular intervals to say: “NOW would you like to register?”
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Be sure to read the following QUICK START instructions before using Baby 0.1.

                Your Microswift Baby 1.0 comes in a convenient container known as Microswift Woman 2.0. This container should be placed at a convenient working height. It is recommended that you use a soft surface such as a hospital bed, rather than the normal garage worktop.

Woman 2.0 is inherently unstable and can react in an unpredictable manner.
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First, take Baby 1.0 out of the container. In case of difficulty, you may use forceps. It is recommend that you do NOT use other metal tools, such as crowbar, screwdriver, or lobster-grip pliers.

You will find the following items.
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Baby 1.0

Placenta

Umbilical cord

(If any of these are not present, please see your dealer.)
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Once Baby 1.0 is out of the package, it should switch itself on automatically. If not, pick it up and pat it gently on the pair of touch sensitive pads you find on the underside (“the buttocks”). It will immediately respond with a wah-wah-wah sound. This is normal, and should not be considered a fault.

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Be sure to fully charge Baby 1.0 after unpacking. The charger is built into the container. On the upper side of Woman 2.0 you will find a storage device with a protruding jack, known as a teat. Two are provided on each container. Be careful to put it into the correct opening on Baby 1.0. The Mouth has a reddish outline. Warning: Your Baby 1.0 will not charge if the charger is connected to the Ear or Nostril.

                A single charge can keep Baby going for several hours, however, it should be topped up at regular intervals, including during the night.

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Always use the original container to recharge Baby 1.0. The use of random women for this purpose or other related purposes is strongly discouraged and will void the guarantee and ruin your life.

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If Baby 1.0 gets dusty or lightly smeared, do not put it into a washing machine. Simply wipe with a damp cloth. However, if it gets extremely dirty, or starts to smell bad, it is recommended that you do not attempt to correct the problem yourself. Place the product back on top of Woman 2.0 and leave the room for 10 minutes.

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Enjoy Baby 1.0 and show it off to your friends and family.

                We are convinced that you will have so much fun that you will soon want to more Microswift Babies.

                And if you don’t – well, there’s a no returns policy. So get used to it.

Why Brits in India are given buckets

By Nury Vittachi

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Warning: the following posting is extremely controversial and may result in rioting, looting of embassies, or international tension between nuclear powers. Or it just may make you feel hungry.

Whatever. You have been warned.
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First, many thanks to all the readers who wrote to me about curry. Clearly this is a subject of the utmost importance, unlike trivialities such as the world financial crisis or global warming.

West-east versions of curry have a long history, readers said. "English curry, a yellow-brown gloopy substance eked out with raisins and sugar, was on my grammar school menu in 1953," wrote Neil Thomson from Australia. And Jane Austen mentions curry in Mansfield Park, first published in 1812, he added.

But the saddest letter came from curry-loving British tourist Sam Yeung who visited India last year. "It was amazing. There was almost nothing on the menu in any restaurant that I recognized. No balti curries, no chicken tikka masala, and not one of the waiters knew what a vindaloo was," he said.

                I can see that the time has come to tell the whole truth.
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None of the popular international curries are from India.

                Those "Indian curry houses" that you see in every town in Britain are not Indian at all. The vast majority of them (in 1998 it was 85 per cent) are Bangladeshi. Staff come from a specific district of Bangladesh. Sylhet in the northeast of that country actually specializes in breeding British curry house waiters.
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Another myth: Vindaloo is a super-hot Indian curry.

                Fact: Vindaloo is not Indian. It's Portuguese. Sailors from that country arrived at the Indian city of Goa with a pork dish called vinha d'alhos, which means wine and garlic stew. The natives, filled with pity for people living on bland European food, fixed the recipe and shortened vinha d'alhos to vindaloo.

                The Portuguese agreed that the revised version was way better than the original and spread it around the world.

                But it wasn't good enough for India. Even today, asking for vindaloo outside Goa produces a diagonal head-sway, which is an Indian body-language for: "I don't know what you're talking about, idiot foreigner."
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Myth three: The top Indian curry dish is chicken tikka masala.

                Fact: it’s not Indian at all, but from Glasgow in Scotland. A drunken Scotsman ordered chicken tikka (a dry dish) instead of chicken curry (a wet dish) and demanded that curry sauce be poured over it.  
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Brits particularly like an Indian dish called balti.

                But there's no such food in India. Bangladeshi restaurateurs in the British city of Birmingham started serving food in tiny iron woks so they could serve less and charge more. Having no word for wok, they called it balti (bucket) curry. Believing this to be an exotic import, UK diners went crazy for it.

                The result is that vast numbers of British tourists go to India and have the following conversation.

                "I'd like a balti curry please."

                "You want a bucket curry?"
                "A balti curry."

                "Yes sir. Would you like your bucket on the bone or off the bone? Mild, medium or hot?"

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Several readers said their families discovered authentic curry thanks to products from an Indian goods export firm called Sharwoods.

                Actually, Sharwood's products come from the north of England and the company was started by a man named Jim.

                You may now riot.

 

Yum! Cold raw sheep's brain

By Nury Vittachi

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Thank you so much for the comments in the "follow your dream" discussion. I definitely have the world's best commentators. (I wonder if there is an award for commenting? Hmm. Thinks: Maybe I should start one.)

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I also got lots of mail on the curry discussion. It's odd--the most trivial of topics gets the most reaction. I think it is because food is one of our most basic, mundane needs. Yet it is something that we feel strongly about.

I used to think I was an adventurous diner. Until I went to a Uyghur restaurant where the signature dish was "Cold Raw Sheep's Brain".

                Suddenly I was filled with longing for instant noodles, and bitterly regretted the times I had maligned that simple, wholesome foodstuff.
*
I've had noodles on the brain lately, sometimes literally (I have children, you see).

                I wrote a column last week saying that curry was probably the world's most popular foodstuff. Readers rushed to correct me. An e-mailer named Hayat said noodles were far more universal.

Journalist Wyng Chow wrote to me and said: "I would personally argue that Sweet and Sour Boneless Pork is the world's most popular food.  Even my Jewish friends love it. They consider pork to be kosher as long as it's smothered in sweet and sour sauce." His Indian friends love it too.

                "No, the burger is the world's top dish," said another reader, showing me quotes to that end from magazines (all American).  Another reader said the pizza was the world's favourite food, and showed me two articles backing this claim from Italian publications.

Clearly, this is a matter of national pride.
*
I Googled "world's most popular food" on the Internet.

Wheat is the number one food, said the Discovery Channel website.

Cheese is the number one food, said a website promoting a book called The Cheese Bible.

Chocolate is the number one food, said a website selling boxes of chocolate online.

The incontrovertible answer to the question was: there is no incontrovertible answer to this question.
*
So I went to the see the smartest man I know, my mentor/bartender.

"Burgers, bread, cheese, pizza and chocolate are all recent arrivals in Asia, popular with the young," he said. "But if older Asians don't eat them, they're not on the chart. You see, Asians eat more food than any other group of people on the planet. That's because there are more of us. "

The world's top food is rice, he said, explaining that we eat rice even on days when we think we have not. "You eat rice for breakfast (Coco Pops), rice for lunch (rice noodles) and rice for dinner (sushi), and wash it down with a cup of rice (sake)," he explained.

He had a point--especially since noodles are often a sub-group of rice.
*
The other day, I saw my children slipping packs of instant noodles into their schoolbags.

                "Will the school supply boiling water and sterilized bowls and clean forks?" I asked.

                They looked at me as if I was from another planet. "You don't need all that stuff," said my daughter. "You just eat them."

                They simply open the packets and crunch their way through the dry, raw noodles. Each portion comes with a small packet of monosodium glutamate to sprinkle on for flavor.

 I'm not sure what this proves, except that young humans and old humans are actually unrelated species, one of which morphs miraculously into the other at a certain age.
*
 Anyway, I decided that this issue was pretty much settled, when I had an idea. My office is near a university canteen which serves thousands of meals a day.

I asked the staff's opinion. The number one dish among all diners, Chinese, south Asian and Western, was curry, they said. Back to square one.
*

Meanwhile, it's a freezing morning here, and I think I have the flu and I have the weirdest feeling that there is something I recognize between my ears: Yes, it's Cold Raw Sheep's Brain.

*
(Image: Akidude/flickr/CC licence)

Follow Your Dream

But watch out for the nuns

By Nury Vittachi

*

Follow your dream. Three times in the past month I have been at talks where I've been told that the most important thing I must do is Follow My Dream.

That's fine, but which dream do I follow? The one where I am naked in the supermarket? Or the one where a giant pre-schooler is chasing me with a cigar-clipper as I wade through a lake of noodles?
*
 I asked my colleague Eddie for advice.

                "I think they mean you should follow your DAYDREAM," he said. "Not the weird dreams you have at night."

                This made it even harder!  How do I arrange to be hotly pursued by a love-struck Scarlett Johansson? Or be tickled to a state of delirium by novitiate nuns?
                Achieving one's full potential is not easy, you know.
*
Anyway, why exactly should one follow one's dream? According to all three speakers, one NEEDS to do so to achieve true happiness.

Well, that's a major downer. I am destined to be miserable all my life. Unless some kind, well-connected reader can give me Scarlett Johansson's email address. (Or has a nun costume.)
*
Hearing about my dilemma, Eddie came up with a good idea: "Why don't you just change your daydream to something easy to achieve? And then you can get ultimate happiness."

                So I decided to spend that morning (I was at a boring business conference) daydreaming that I would have a cappuccino and a slice of carrot cake for lunch.

                I then found a café and purchased a cappuccino and a slice of carrot cake.

                Did I achieve ultimate happiness? Did I heck. I achieved a snack.
*
The fact is, this sort of modern philosophy stinks. Yet people like author Paulo Coelho ("The Alchemist") have made massive fortunes telling people to do this sort of thing.

                What about the downsides, huh? Huh?  Do they tell you about THAT?

                I once knew a lawyer whose fantasy was to be an actor. After more than 10 years as a barrister, he abandoned the law and signed up with the actor's union.

                After "resting" for a few months, he got a job—playing a lawyer. He was stiff and tall, he always dressed in black, and he had a crisp, deep, powerful voice: what else could he play?

                "I'm still striding around a court saying, 'your honour'," he mused.  "The only difference is that I have gone from the most secure, high-paying job in the world, to the least-secure, lowest-paying job in the world."

                But from Mr Coelho's point of view, he'd followed his dream.
*
On the last day of the conference, I was chatting to a young woman and I asked what her husband did. She replied: "Actually, you are living his dream."

                "You mean he wants to be a non-entity napping at a business conference?" I said, astonished.

                "Yes," she replied. "But a non-entity whose novels actually get published."

                Clearly this woman's husband had been talking to Eddie and had decided to aim low on the achievability index.

                "And what's your dream?" I asked.

                "Nothing much, really," she said. "But I would kill for a decent cup of coffee."

                I smiled and pointed at the coffee shop I had discovered earlier. "In that case, I can make your dreams come true," I said. "And manslaughter will not be required."

All about your head size

By Nury Vittachi

*

I was once described in the UK magazine Private Eye as a "brown-noser". I couldn't deny it. I'm Sri Lankan. I not only have a brown nose: I have a brown EVERYTHING.

*
A much more intriguing comment came from an article on the web which said I had a big head. Now this was worth pondering over. You see, in Western culture, "you're a bighead" is an insult, while in Eastern culture, it's a compliment.

                So how big should one's head be and what does it mean?
*

I decided to go and see Roger Ball, a world expert on head sizes. A few years ago, Roger, a designer, noticed that helmets and safety-hats did not fit Asian heads. And since Asians make up the majority of the world's population, he knew this was important.

                He measured thousands of heads, and discovered that Asian heads were a completely different shape to Western heads. (He limited his researches to humans, so space aliens such as Kim Jong-Il were excluded.)

Western heads are longer, front to back, and Chinese heads are wider, ear to ear. "And a hatmaker told me that Indian heads are 'little European heads'," Roger told me.

                As a Sri Lankan, that makes me not a big-head, but a small-head.
*
Talking to him solved a mystery that has puzzled me for years. Why do airlines hand out headphones which suggest they believe Asians listen to movie soundtracks through our jaws?  (Memo to self: ask a scientist: do we?)

                Roger has spent years measuring heads and has come up with data (see sizechina.com) that means we will all eventually be able to buy headgear that fits us.

                But before you start to sneer at me for having a small head, please take note. "Size doesn't matter; it's how you use it," as my girlfriends all felt obliged to say in my pre-marital years.  
*
I had dinner at a Malaysian food stall that night, and a woman told me about Alex, an African gray parrot who died a year ago at Brandeis University in the US. Alex had a brain the size of a peeled walnut, yet he had a vocabulary of 150 words and could do math. I was astonished. This is a higher level of intelligence than most of the Asian politicians I've interviewed over the years. AND he was too smart to ask for kickbacks, except for the occasional cashew nut.
*
This makes him way smarter than Illinois politician Rod Blagojevich, who kept on with his dodgy activities even though he knew he was being investigated. In his case, size did matter. The most notable thing about Blagojevich is his massive, helmet-like head of hair, which basically doubles the circumference of his head. Clearly, he is trying to cover up a tiny cranium.

I suspect his legal defense is going to be based on the fact that his hair has a life of its own, and set up a series of corrupt deals without his knowledge.
*
But the most astonishing fact I discovered studying head sizes was that Neanderthal men, who believed that the best way to handle women was to grab them and carry them back to their caves, had far larger heads than we have. 

What did they know that we don't?

 

Come and see me!

If you are in Hong Kong, come and see me on Saturday--tomorrow (Dec 13, 2008). I will be at Bumps to Babes, a family goods store in Central, from 2 pm to 3 pm. The shop is on the 5th floor of Pedder Building, which is above the MTR on Pedder Street. I'll be celebrating the launch of my new book, Wicked Christmas--a children's story about how global warming melts the North Pole and Santa Claus has to move to the Big City and discover what Christmas is really like. I'll be signing books and doing some storytelling, so bring kids if you have any. Or just come and say hello. Readers not in Hong Kong can of course pick up a copy from Amazon--and then invite me to visit you so that I can autograph it. The book has fabulous illustrations--that's one of them, above.

Economy will hit the wall

According to the bricklayers

By Nury Vittachi

*

What will the economy do in 2009?  Will it recover? Will it fall further?
We asked representatives of every major professional group to sum up their members' opinions in a single sentence. The results are in.
*

The Air Traffic Controllers' Association said: "We reckon the whole thing is up in the air."
*

The Archaeologists' Society said: "The economy will dig itself into the ground."
*
The Air Pilots' Association said: "We will shortly be encountering a period of turbulence."
*

The Automobile Association said: "We're giving it the green light."
*
The Society of Blacksmiths said: "We're going to get hammered."
*
The Botanists' Society said: "The problems extend right down to the roots."
*
The Bricklayers' Union said: "It's going to hit a wall."
*
The Chiropractors' Association said: "The important thing is to relax and let everything click into place."
*
The Clockmakers' Society said: "It will tick over at first, but then wind down."
*
The Association of Courier Companies said: "It'll get there, but take longer than you think."
*

The Society of Dancers said: "We see it taking steps in the right direction."
*
The Dentists' Association said: "Now this won't hurt a bit."
*
The Electricians' Union said: "Sparks are going to fly."
*
The Entomologists' Club said: "Our members say they can detect a buzz."
*

The Farmers' Association said: "We see it growing organically from the ground up."
*
The Fire-Fighters' Union said: "It’ll crash and burn."
*
The Society of Florists' said: "It'll blossom at first, but will then wilt."
*
The Funeral Directors' Society said: "It's dead and buried."
*
The Geologists' Union said: "It's as solid as a rock."
*
The Hairdressers' Association said: "We're going to go long at the top but definitely short at the back and the sides."
*
The Herpetologists' Club said: "It'll snake about a bit."
*
The Human Resources Managers' Union said:  "We see it downsizing."
*
The Jockey Club said: "After lagging for a length it will beat the odds by a short nose."
*
The Journalists' Union said: "It'll be SENSATIONAL."
*
The Librarians' Society said: "Returns will be late coming and will incur penalties."
*
The Lift Technicians' Union said: "We foresee a smooth descent to zero."
*
The Glider Pilots' Association said: "It'll stay up for longer than most people think."
*
Members of the Golf Club said: "It's going to be below par."
*
The Explosive Materials Institute said: "It'll go with a bang."
*
The Union of Miners said: "We see it falling into a big black hole."
*
The Musicians' Association said: "After a slow start, it will rise to a major crescendo."
*
The Union of Lumberjacks said: "Successive cuts will weaken the structure until it falls slowly to the ground with a loud crash."
*
The Flight Engineers' Union said: "There be a short delay for technical reasons."
*
The Interpreters' Club said:  "The economy will fall, tomber, vallen, jatuh, cadere, falle or cair." 
*
The Financial Analysts' Society said: "It may go up, it may go down, or it may stay the same. Can I have my bonus now please?"
*
The Marine Biologists' Institute said: "It's heading underwater."
*
 The Meteorologists' Association said: "The outlook is gloomy spells with scattered storms."
*
The Petroleum Importers Society said: "It'll run out of gas."
*
The Nanotechnology Institute said: "There will be improvements, but they will be very very very VERY small."
*
The Nuclear Scientists' Union said: "Don’t worry, nothing can go wrong. Just keep repeating that."
*
The Union of Nurses said: "It'll be a bitter pill to swallow."
*
The Oceanographers' Institute said: "Trouble is coming, wave after wave of it."
*
The Opthalmologists' Union said: "It's hard to forecast as the top is clear but the bottom is a bit blurry."
*
The Piling Contractors' Association said: "The most important thing is to lay a firm foundation."
*
The Pilots' Society said: "We will shortly be beginning our descent."
*
The Police Officers' Club said: "It will proceed straight ahead in a westerly manner before encountering disturbances counter to the maintenance of further onward progress."
*
The Property Sales Association said: "It's as safe as houses."
*
The Expectant Mothers' Society said: "You're laboring under a misconception."
*
The Society of Public Relations Officers said: "There's going to be another massive fall, or what we prefer to call a 'negative rise'."
*
The Psychiatrists' Union said: "You're all bonkers."
*
The Association of Quality Control Inspectors said:  "It's a reject."
*
The Unlicensed Bus Drivers' Union said: "Hold tight, it's going to be a wild ride."
*
The Skaters' Association said: "It’s on thin ice."
*
The Society of X-Ray Technicians said: "We can see right through this one."
*
The Storytellers' Society said: "It will grow like Topsy."
*
The Taxidermists' Union said: "It's totally stuffed."
*
The Teachers' Union said: "Fail. Re-take. Must try harder."
*
The Union of Time Signal Announcers said: "At the beep, the economy will go from recession to depression: Bip. Bip. Bip. Beeeeep."
*
The Urologists' Conference said: "The notion of recovery just doesn’t hold water."
*
The Veterinary Surgeons' Union said: "Anyone expecting good news is barking mad."
*
The World Council of Churches said: "Heaven only knows."

 

 

The day of the curry

 

The moment Asian food went mainstream in the west

By Nury Vittachi

*

So, Europe's famous Michelin Guide critics have now arrived in Asia.

           But you know, the key event in the globalization of food occurred a long time ago—in 1966, in fact. I know. I was there.

Yes, your humble narrator was present at the precise moment Asian food arrived in the West.

         Now I'm not talking about the first individual spring roll or poppadum which travelled out of the East in some journeyman's pocket. That momentous event goes tragically unrecorded.

No, I am referring to the moment when the world's most popular food, curry, first nosed its way into MAINSTREAM Western society.
*
The time: Early summer, 1966.

The place: North London. A few miles down the street, the Beatles were recording Sgt Pepper on a four-track tape machine. I had been assigned to attend a local school, wearing shorts and a green cap.

That summer, London officials decided that the primitive, scattered tribes of Britain had developed enough to cope with curry—a strange and exotic dish from Asia—on the School Dinners List.
*
That morning, teacher had an announcement to make. "You will be having a new item for lunch today—curry. I hope you will all be very adventurous." (I noticed she had brought a packed lunch that day.)

           The children turned to stare at me. "Curry," a girl called Abigail said. "That's YOUR type of food. Disgusting."

           "Have you tried it?" I asked.

           "Eww, of course not!" she said, outraged at the suggestion.

           "Then how do you know it's disgusting?"

           "Because EVERYONE knows it's disgusting," she said. The rest of the class nodded fiercely at this indisputable logic.

I was gripped by foreboding. "You may not like it," I conceded. "It's not like English food. It has a taste."

            "It's a hider," concluded Abigail.

           School lunch items were divided into hiders and others. The non-hiders list was very short, and for many children consisted of only one item: fried potatoes.

Everything else was a hider. There were no meal choices and we were forbidden to leave anything on our plates, so we had no choice but to hide unwanted food items in our clothing, desks or satchels.

           By experimentation, my classmates had discovered that the relatively thick material of our green felt jackets was a more watertight container than our thin trouser pockets.

           Being a typically obedient Asian child, I ate pretty much anything I was ordered to eat. I would have eaten bones, bugs, gristle or stones, and indeed, frequently did.
*
Anyway, when lunchtime of that historic day finally arrived, most of the class members were busy lining their jacket pockets with scrap paper.

And then the curry was wheeled in. I stared at it.

           It was a sort of thick yellow-green sauce. It smelled of sugar. The main ingredients were sultanas and gristle.

           "What's that?" I asked.

           "Curry," the dinner lady said.

           "No, it's not," I said.

           "Yes it is," she said, pointing to the label on the serving tray. "That's wot it says 'ere."

         I ate it. There was no chili in it, but I told the other children that they would not be able to eat it, as it was much too spicy for them.

           Stung into action by this comment, several of the boys tried it.

           And the takeover of Western tastebuds by Asian foods began. 
 

Beer and other safe investments

 

These you can trust

By Nury Vittachi

*

Someone tried to sell me some investments the other day. "A downturn is the best time to buy," he said.

I reminded him that a year ago he had told me that an upturn was the best time to buy.

"I used to think that, but I have wised up," he replied.

"I wised up too," I said, escorting him to the door with the sole of my size seven Doc Martens.
*

Learning from your mistakes is important.

Consider this. The financial authorities had to put US$170 billion of public money into American International Group, better known as AIG, which fell 97 per cent in value.

                However, had the same sum been spent on cans of Carlsberg, the buyer would have received 180 billion 440 ml cans of beer. Each beer can contains 15 grams of aluminum. This makes 2.7 billion kilos of aluminum. Assuming a price of US$2 a kilo, that's US$5.2 billion profit. And they would STILL have the beer—which itself has gone up in price eight per cent this year.
*

  A similarly smart investment is chocolate. If you spent US$170 billion on chocolate, you would have 140 billion bars, each of which is wrapped in similarly valuable aluminum foil.

                You get a profit AND consuming 140 billion bars of chocolate makes you incredibly happy. I know this for a fact, as my wife has actually done it.

*
What about art? This is a question I hear all the time, especially from my neighbor, whose son is called Art, short for Arthur.

                Modern "art "is tricky to value. There are a number of reasons for this, but the main reason is that it is rubbish.  

                Readers often write in to ask me to explain why a dead animal in a box, if autographed by Damien Hirst, is worth millions of dollars.

                Well, what can I say? It is all a matter of presentation. I’ll give you a real-life example.

                Some kind of buffalo-type beast died near the home of a friend of mine, who lives in a rural village. It was smelly. His neighbours demanded he move it. The local mafia tried to charge him a large sum of money to move it for him. He called the government and found that there was a municipal department dedicated solely to remove decomposing beasts (with the exception of those serving on government committees).

                After days of misery for all concerned, the foul-smelling pile of rotten meat was carted off to a landfill, whose managers were delighted I'm sure.

                Now had Damien Hirst found a dead water buffalo outside his apartment in Chelsea or wherever he lives, the story would have been very different.

                He would have dragged it back to his studio and put it in a box.  He would then have phoned Christie's or Sotheby's and said, "Hey, lads, I got this dead cow-thingy."

                There would have been a televised global auction and he would have received US$100 million.
*

So what do you do if you have a dead cow and want loads of money for it but you are not Damien Hirst? Simple. Bribe some pliable, corrupt, greedy reporter to write an article about you as "THE ASIAN Damien Hirst". Then sell it for US$50 million.

                I await your email.

Tainted products from the West

Contaminated traffic moves both ways

By Nury Vittachi

*

Buyer, beware. Tainted products are heading back into the headlines. But this time they're moving from West to East.

Massive numbers of items exported from North America and Europe to Asia contain more than DOUBLE the permitted dosage of Western permissiveness, according to a joint communiqué issued yesterday by the Asian Societies Summit, an organization based in this reporter's imagination.

                The erupting scandal appears set to dwarf the Chinese melamine-milk scare of the autumn.

"These Western items corrupt the minds of a whole generation of young people, whereas the tainted milk we produced merely kills them," a spokesman from the Chinese Ministry of Diary Products and Other Industrial Poisons said.
*

The problem was identified after a spot test on a shipment of Baywatch DVDs moving through South Asia on its way to Singapore.  "Every one of them had excessive amounts of liberal Western ideology," said cargo inspector Anand Chowdhury. "Members of the inspection panel hyperventilated after seeing images of people in bikinis, and several conservative members from Islamic nations fainted when they were informed that many of these were in fact women."
*

So far, "unacceptable" rates of permissiveness have been found in Western DVDs, computer games, magazines and tourists from France.

Indian economist Deepak Bakpak said the single worst offender so far was MTV, a channel running videos of young people cavorting in a decadent manner in luxurious surroundings. "Our analysis showed that a single day's viewing contained 88.9 per cent unrealizable expectations, against a United Nations-recommended limit of 2.6 per cent."
*

American trade officials fought back, arguing that the tariff-free export of Baywatch videos, MTV broadcasts and magazines such as Maxim was protected under World Trade Organization laws allowing the unrestricted distribution of items of intellectual property.

But a joint Asian trade panel unanimously overruled this claim. "It's plainly ridiculous to use the word 'intellectual' in connection with Baywatch, MTV or Maxim," a spokesman said.

*
Meanwhile, conservative nations such as Malaysia are experimenting with ways of digitally "adjusting" shows such as Baywatch to make them more suitable for Asian viewers.

                "Using digital technology, we have added a full-length burqa to Pam Anderson," said Ahmad Madman, a Kuala Lumpur professor of digital media. "In scenes where David Hasselhof appears topless, we have superimposed a bikini top."

The Malaysian experiment is proving a surprise success, with pirated copies selling at high prices across the United States.
*

 However, Asian commentators are most intrigued by political elements in the debate.

                The communiqué condemning the imports from the West said: "We, the leaders of Asia, deplore the way US movies, TV shows and other items show people taking drugs, shooting weapons, being promiscuous, and openly changing their leaders from time to time."

                Privately, delegates spoke in stronger terms. One Myanmar general said:  "How on earth are Asian leaders supposed to keep our peoples in a state of subjugation when they are faced with movies which give the impression that Westerners live in rich, free societies?"

                A North Korean delegate, who gave his name as Kim, echoed this view: "Our people are told daily that they are living in the richest country in the world. Movies from the West should reflect this. Otherwise we will have no alternative but to lose control of our society, which would be a total pain in the butt."

 

GET LOST (in a book)

Easterners can spin yarns too
By Nury Vittachi

*

THIS WEBSITE STARTED life as a discussion about the globalization of books. Today, I am going to return to that topic.

*
One summer a few years ago, I read six novels. The first was a "tense, chilling" geopolitical thriller about a man who uncovers a fiendish plot to destroy the American way of life. Toenail-biting stuff.

                The second? Well, it was also a tense, chilling geopolitical thriller about a man who uncovers a fiendish plot to destroy the American way of life. In fact, so was the third. And the fourth. Actually, all of them were tense, chilling, geopolitical thrillers about men who etc, etc.

                I felt totally inadequate! I often go for days without uncovering a single plot to destroy the American way of life. What's wrong with me? Can I get medical help?
*

Seeking more relevant entertainment, I borrowed books from a female friend known for her literary taste.

 Hers were very different. The first was a "wickedly funny" comedy-drama about an independent American woman's disillusionment with life and her search for meaning which eventually leads her to finding fulfillment (ie, a tall man). The second was also a wickedly funny comedy-drama about an independent American woman's disillusionment and her discovery of a tall man.  In fact, all were wickedly funny comedy-dramas about independent American women locating tall men.

                Who believes this stuff? The women I know invest as much emotional energy in men as they do in their disposable razors (ie, half-hearted attention, two minutes a week).
*

At about that time, I bumped into bestselling author Matthew Reilly, an Australian. I asked him: "Why did you write a tense, chilling thriller set in America?"

                "Practically every thriller is set in America," he replied.

                He was right. Most books in stores and airports are set in the West - - - yet the vast majority of human beings on this planet, four billion out of six and a half billion, live in the East.
                Our lives are WAY more interesting than those of Westerners.  We have coups, earthquakes, insurgencies, typhoons and despots coming out of our trousers. Sometimes LITERALLY. And in Asia, that's a slow news-day.
*
This autumn, your humble narrator was involved in an effort to correct this anomaly. I was chief judge of a panel handing out A$110,000 to the best book set in Asia-Pacific. (This is more cash than America's Pulitzer Prize and about the same as the UK's Man Booker prize, depending on exchange rates.) Our prize was called the Australia-Asia Literary Award, because people in the Western Australian community organized and financed it.

 And you know what happened? We received fabulous books to read from all over Asia-Pacific, from Haruki Murakami, Thomas Keneally, Su Tong and others. The cash eventually went to a brilliant Melbourne man called David Malouf whose book was a collection of 31 stories - - and not one of them was a tense, chilling geopolitical thriller about a man who uncovers a fiendish plot to destroy the American way of life.

                Having said that, none of them were about a puny, bald Asian guy who fails to uncover fiendish plots to destroy anything, but hey, give him time. Maybe his next book will be.
*
In the meantime, do yourself a favour. Throw out your Daniele Steele books. Support an Asian author. And I don't just mean buy our books. I mean allow us to move into your homes and eat everything in your fridge. You'll soon discover what "tense and chilling" really means.

*

BOOKS TO READ

In addition to those authors mentioned above, here are some other gems to try.

*
Jamaica by Malcolm Knox is a story about a group of adult males on holiday. He's a wonderful writer and captures the anguish of modern, stressful lives so well that the simple plot gradually becomes utterly gripping.
*

Orpheus Lost by Janette Turner Hospital is an amazingly impressive work, about a culturally mixed man (an Australian with a Middle Eastern ancestry) who gets caught up with a girl in America. It is a love story, but it is also a thriller, and it is a 9/11 terrorism book, and it is a fable, and it contains shades of the genre of literature known as "magic realism". The remarkable thing is that it works on all those levels at once.
*

The Reluctant Fundamentalist by Mohsin Hamid is a clever book. The whole book consists of one side of a conversation between two men at a food stall in Pakistan. Sounds like an odd format for a book? It is, but from this half-heard discussion tells the fascinating story of how east and west are in danger of drifting apart.
*
Read any brilliant books you'd like to share?

 

 

               

               

 

Reasons to get writing

Tales of Two Continents Make for a Prize Catch

By Victoria Laurie

"The Australian" newspaper

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THE Australia-Asia Literary Award had its own little victory on Friday night, less than an hour after author David Malouf stepped forward to accept the inaugural A$110,000 prize - the richest literary award in Australia - for his collection, The Complete Stories.

As guests at Fraser’s Restaurant in Perth’s Kings Park admired the splendid night view of the city below, West Australian Arts Minister John Day seemed to be feeling pleased and magnanimous about the whole proceedings.
            "Based on how the night has gone and the presence that it's had in the literary world, it adds strong weight to the argument to keep this award going as an annual event," Day enthusiastically informed The Australian.
            This will be music to the ears of literary fans and award organisers who feared that WA's first high-profile annual literary award might be its last.

Day is a member of Premier Colin Barnett's new Liberal state government, which since coming to office eight weeks ago - and despite the state's vast income from resource royalties - has initiated cost-cutting across government sectors.

The Australia-Asia Literary Award was a legacy from the former Carpenter government, part of a $73 million dollar Ignite arts package that Carpenter personally launched last December.

Already, Day has announced that another generous prize in that package, the annual $50,000 Western Australian Indigenous Art Award, is subject to review and may be reduced to a biennial event.

But Day made a gracious speech on literary prize night, acknowledging the Carpenter government's role in bringing together Australian and Asian culture in the award. Day stressed it was highly desirable we had not just an economic relationship with Asia but a strong cultural one as well. This award has been important in starting that.

Day said he understood why the prize money was generously set at $110,000, to top the new $100,000 Prime Minister's Literary Award launched by Kevin Rudd, also last December.

So, The Australian asked, was it fair to assume that Day was contemplating leaving the annual prize in its present form?

"If it works well, I agree: why change it?" he replied.

Day may well have caught the infectious enthusiasm of one of his own appointed literary judges, chairman of the Australia-Asia Literary Award Nury Vittachi.

Sri-Lankan-born, Hong Kong-based Vittachi has had a big presence in Asia's literary scene as founding editor of Asia's journal of prose and poetry, the Asia Literary Review, and as a founding member of the Man Asian Literary Prize.

Vittachi is also author of a comedy-crime series The Feng Shui Detective (published by Allen and Unwin in Australia) as well as writing tongue-in-cheek newspaper columns syndicated across Asia to more than a million readers.

"I've been following book prizes all my life and have been involved in setting them up before, but I'm particularly honoured to be involved with this one," he says.

"It's important because it's forward-looking. There's a massive change coming up and Asia will be the world's hot spot.

"The bulk of the world's consumers are here in the Asia-Pacific, and they're going to need books set here. Asia on its own can't climb on to the world contemporary literature stage easily and neither can Australia. Put the two together, and they're unbeatable. People are not recognising this. But this award does, so I do hope they continue it."

Vittachi says he applauded the award's broad entry criteria, which stipulate that eligible books (published in the preceding year) must be from authors who either come from, live in or write about Australia and Asia in their novels.

"The setting of the book is relevant to its eligibility, so I could write a book sitting in London and if it's about Australia and Asia or both, I could enter it," he says. "I took a while to get my head around the concept, but it's very smart. If you think about stories on the world stage set in this part of the world, they're actually very rare. Why should all the thrillers be about mid-Western lawyers running off with jurors, or young people's stories be set in Britain?

"You've got this fabulous market right here: there are four billion Asians, they're all obsessed by education and almost all of them studying English. So what do they do? They go out and buy English books."

Most appealing to Vittachi is that the award encourages reflection about Australia and Asian countries from authors who live inside or outside their communities. He says a panel at a Sri Lankan literary festival last year, which included Man Booker Prize-winner Kiran Desai, discussed the question, "Do you produce great novels from inside a country, or outside?"

"The conclusion was that you need an inside voice and an outside voice to write about a community, its society and events."

Vittachi says Australian and Asian cultures are a great mix; put them together and something wonderful will happen. The conviction comes of personal experience, he says.

"My best-selling book is one with two characters: an old, skinny, bald Asian guy, feng shui master Mr Wong, and an Australian female, Joyce McQuinnie. They work together, even though they can't communicate at all and only when they exchange ideas do they solve the mystery."

Vittachi's involvement in the Man Asian Literary Prize (based in Hong Kong and funded by the Booker), ended last year when he was famously left off the inaugural opening party list.

It's for work unpublished in English, so some publishers delayed publication of their big author's work in English so they could slide in. The prize was meant to encourage emerging authors, but they ended up going head-to-head with big name authors.

Another hitch, in Vittachi's opinion, was related to the selection of judges. "They didn't have any Asian judges resident in Asia, which I complained about. As soon as I said that, the chairman said it was racist to suggest this was a problem and they basically decided they didn't want me on the panel. It's still going and they now have Asian judges."

The Australia-Asia Literary Award has had no such hiccups with its choice of judges: Vittachi was joined on the judging panel by Kamila Shamsie, Pakistan-born author of five novels and judge of the Orange Award for New Writing, the Guardian First Book Award and the Geoffrey Faber Memorial Award. The third judge on the panel is Australian literary critic, Peter Craven.

Winner Malouf, whose book of short stories was described by the judges as "always moving and universal", says the literary prize was interesting because it is different to other prizes in a way that is very useful and very imaginative".  

Vittachi himself adopts a jocular approach to literary awards. "My first book did not win the Vogel, my second failed to win the Booker, and I am hoping to make a clean sweep by not winning the Pulitzer next year."

 

US economy to be outsourced

High-flying village in Asia to take control

By Nury Vittachi

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Woohoo! Money markets are tipped to soar tomorrow. This follows US President-Elect Barack Obama's surprise announcement that the management of the US economy will be outsourced to Asia next year.

From midnight on the day of his inauguration, January 20, 2009, all US treasury-related decisions will be made by the leaders of the most successful economy of the past two decades, Yumin Village in Guangdong, southern China.

                "We need to be outward-looking and seek best practices worldwide," Obama said at a White House briefing. "Our researchers have found the best."
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Yumin Village was a peasant hamlet in 1980. Today it is one of the wealthiest villages in China, with a gross domestic product greater than Australia and approaching that of Oprah Winfrey.

                The remaining Wall Street bankers, both of them, responded with a decisive: "Huh?"

                But the most vociferous response came from the Republican advisors to the US Federal Reserve, who issued a joint statement saying: "We feel there is a massive, unseen danger in outsourcing economic decision-making to Asia: namely, the place is full of Asians, people who are also known, with all due respect, as Gooks, Commies, and Reds Under the Beds."

Among the highest officials to express reservations was Vice-President Dick Cheney, who said: "We have no way of knowing whether they have the same values as we have. For example, do they share our beliefs in the importance of keeping US defense contractors extremely wealthy? These are the core values of every true American, by which I mean me and my buddies."
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But the Chinese government welcomed the move, saying that it recognized the latent financial talent of their country. "This proves what we have said all along, which is that capitalism is merely a brief diversion on the world's glorious advance towards being a totalitarianism communist paradise."
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But who in Yumin Village will make the actual decisions?  The most likely candidate is retired female Cantonese opera singer Chew Sum-Fat, in view of the fact that she has more teeth (three) than any of the other village elders.

                "We already know a lot about life in the United States, since I have been in the pirate DVD business for many years," spluttered Chew. "For example, I know about the US citizens' favoured method of commuting to work, known as The Car Chase."

                Chew says that US DVDs have given her a more accurate view of America than the hostile propaganda in the Chinese newspapers. "For example, the People's Daily says that a large proportion of Americans are obese. But I've seen in the movies with my own eyes that almost all Americans are slim, muscular people who spend most of their time jumping from building to building with hand guns. Indeed, a number of them can fly."

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At a video-link press conference, top US economist Paul Krugman asked village elders whether they would steer the economy by fine-tuning the federal funds rate.

                "No. We will use advanced Asian economic tools," Chew replied. "These include feng shui, bone-weighing, Chinese numerology, and the study of patterns left on the bottom of bowls after the consumption of fried noodles."

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In Washington, Obama was adamant this would get the US economy back on track. "Yumin Village is our best hope," he said. "And they also provide excellent fried noodles."