How to speak Taxi

By Nury Vittachi

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I have a friend who can speak ANY language fluently after ten minutes. Yes, he can chat comfortably with the natives in their own tongue, before his backpack has appeared on the airport luggage carousel. I've seen him do it. What’s his trick?

“Each language has literally billions of possible sentences and phrases,” he said. “But almost none of them are needed by the visitor.”

Languages are designed for complex thoughts such as: “Do Wagnerian scherzos or Liszt’s trills require superior virtuosity?” he explained.

But a visitor's needs are simple and can be subdivided into three sections.

First, you have to decide whether to learn Taxi, Restaurant or Bar. Being young, he favours the third option, and can speak Bar in the Philippines, India, Vietnam, Indonesia and other places.

"Then I get someone to teach me the ten most important colloquial phrases. Each takes only a second or two to say. I repeat them until I can say them fluently," he said. "Ten minutes is plenty."

Intrigued, I asked him what the phrases were.
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1. The colloquial greeting, the equivalent of, “Yo! Whassup?"
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2. The exchange of names: “Hi, I'm Dave. You are?”
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3. The world's most important phrase: “Two beers please.”
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4. The world's second most important phrase: “Same again.”
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5. The standard compliment: “I really like your country.”
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6. The phrase which shows you are discriminating but not elitist: “This bar is a dump, but it's also kinda cool.”
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7. The bonding phrase which shows you are an insider: “Your government is REALLY bad, isn't it?”
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8. The phrase which deflects complex conversation: “I'm too tired to talk, let's dance.”
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9. The seduction phrase: “Come with me, I want to show you something.”
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10. The polite farewell phrase: “Thanks, catch you later.”
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Gaps are filled in with nods, “mmm” sounds and English words which are understood in every country, such as "yeah", "okay", and "no problem".
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Bar is a great language for a young man who goes to new countries and then heads to the nightclub area to befriend (in the male sense of "seduce") locals.

                But older people may prefer to speak Taxi. I know a Hong Kong woman who has moved to Shanghai. She knows only the Chinese phrases she needs to get around: her home address, her office address, and a few directional phrases.  She also has one useful, all-purpose Chinese phrase to guarantee good behaviour: "My sister is married to the chief of police."

                Her husband speaks Restaurant. He knows the Chinese names of all his favourite foods and how to call for a bill.
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But limiting yourself to Taxi, Restaurant or Bar can be problematic.

A friend of mine was at an international conference where everyone was required to provide their names in English and Chinese. Most of the English-speakers only spoke Taxi or Restaurant.

                As a result, they had no trouble providing English names, but the Chinese names they gave themselves had to be selected from the small list of words they knew.

As a result, they became: Mr Go Straight, Ms Good Morning, Ms Two Beers, Mr Keep the Change, Ms Bring the Bill, and Mr Stop Here.

 The Chinese delegates had a good laugh at the list of visitors' names. But they saved the highest praise for one man who had named himself Mr Don’t Speak Chinese.

At least he was honest.
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(Illustration: bar and cafe by Didier Laurenco)

Comments

[paolo fom whatsikat.com]

hahaha! I worked in Singapore and I learned how to speak restaurant-- unfortunately when I tried to ask a lady in Mandarin "i'd like to eat prawn noodles", i ended up saying "i'd like to eat your bottom."
needless to say, that is when I stopped speaking restaurant. hehehe.

[Ria]

This is hilarious (as usual). I was told once that if you can say "thanks" "how are you" "sorry" and "excuse me" then you'll be fine for the rest of your journey. It's not enough. Now I learn that you can look like an insider if:
-you bring bags from the local supermarket and complain about the parking lot.
-you say good morning and how's your children/husband/mother in law doing to a local grocer
-you buy newspaper with the local language, doesn't matter if later on you use it for your mattres.
-in non-english speaking countries, you speak only two sentences in English, which are "It's OK" and "I love Coca-cola"
-you don't speak taxi, restaurant or bar. You own them!