Everything I need to know I learned on the road

By Nury Vittachi

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A European friend was booking a winter holiday that would take her to several Asian cities. "Shall I bring my driving license?" she asked on the phone.

                "Sure, if you want," I said. "Meanwhile, I’ll organize the funeral."

                Europeans should NEVER be allowed to drive in Asia unless they have medical proof of Total Invulnerability, ie, they need to have been born on the planet Krypton.

                You see, in England, if a car flashes its lights at you, the message is: "Do go first, please; I couldn't POSSIBLY take precedence."

                If a car flashes its lights at you in Asia, the message is: "I'm coming through! Banzaaaaai!"
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But you know what? I recently realized that learning to stay alive on the roads in this region is actually an excellent way of acquiring life skills. In fact, I would go so far as to say (ooh, I feel an aphorism coming up):

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Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned Driving a Car in Asia.
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1. If you unexpectedly get close to someone, give them a BIG smile.
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2. If you get close to someone who hasn't noticed you are there, make a loud noise.
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3. There will never be as many direction signs as you need.
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4. If you have right of way, but the other party is a massive great thing, actually THEY have right of way.
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5. Rules of the game at night differ from rules during the day.
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6. If everyone slows down, resist the temptation to overtake. People decelerate when there's a useful pay-off, such as Not Dying.
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7. If you find yourself in a fast-moving cluster, be the one at the back with your foot over the brake pedal.
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8. Anger is a blindfold.
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9. Get a full check-up at regular intervals.
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10. Suspiciously kind strangers who offer to drive you round the bend will eventually drive you round the bend.
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11. Bright lights blind people.
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12. Whenever the road ahead seems calm and clear, you are about to encounter something incredibly strange which will require urgent, evasive maneuvers.
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13. The more uneventful your journey has been, the weirder the interruptions will be.
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14. Behave yourself, as you can't always see the cameras.
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15. Guys: Sometimes some silly cow will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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16. Gals: Sometimes, some hairy gorilla will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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17. Multi-tasking is never a good idea.
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18. Feng shui amulets, Buddhas, or statues of Ganesh all offer the same amount of immunity from disaster, ie, none.
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19. All journeys are bumpy ones.
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20. The fact that you believe in clearly signaling your intentions does not mean that anyone else will.
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21. Momentum is something you CAN have too much of.
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22. The driver's attitude is more important than the vehicle's physical condition in achieving successful forward movement.
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23. Always travel with friends. (Can I be one of yours?)
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24. Finally, despite the existence of this and other lists of rules, remember:  there actually aren't any rules.
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Life is a journey. The journey IS the destination. You don’t get points for getting to the end of it more quickly than the rest of us.
                Happy Christmas.

Comments

[Deepak]

Life skills? You have got it 101% right.I am convinced, it actually gives a good physical exercise to your heart muscles. Trains your heart to follow traffic light like signals. It makes it to stop the heart, and start again.

[Fellow Traveller]

25. Some people progress aggressively, some defensively, some competitively, some confidently and some just crawl.

[Farah]

26. Never follow the men in uniform with no sense of direction aka the traffic polices.

[Santox]

Although trees and plants add green to one's journey along highways and by-ways; they dangerously veil the roads with their leafy greens, rendering one life's journey a merry-go-round, when one misses a turn. Of course, vehemently, one still wants to arrive at one's destination by making a U-turn but mother nature so decides then, to shower her timely blessing with a moonsoon-thunder-storm and the road now becomes a river of life. Come to think of it, Santa didn't have any driving problems,did he? Merry Christmas

[Bharat]

Ha! true enough. Some of the worlds best drivers are found on the roads of Mumbai!

[Dan]

>>Feng shui amulets, Buddhas, or statues of Ganesh all offer the same amount of immunity from disaster, ie, none. <<

Reminds me of a comic routine some 40 years ago. The set up is a guy doing a scale of protection for Catholic drivers:
0-30 miles per hour: ROsary in the pocket
30-50 miles per hour: Statue of Jesus on dashboard
50-70 miles per hour St. Christopher medal attached to sun visor.
70+ miles per hour: Pray.
And we've been losing a lot of Catholics lately as they fold their hands and close their eyes in prayer at 70 miles per hour.

[fardel]

I drove 2400 km in and around Manila in three weeks, without a scratch on the rental:
Here is the secret
1 Drive faster that anybody AND everybody:you will only have to worry about the dangers if front of you;
2 When having no choice , brake hard until your tyres start screaming:the obstacle will first change color (to a paler shade) then get out of the way, really fast ( Beware , you have to give the obstacle one or two seconds to react, otherwise...)
3 If the obstacle screams louder than your tyres , he looses and you too.
4 You will have to judge the reaction time by the speed at which blood drains off the face of your obstacle
WARNING Rules #2 and #3 do not apply to:
- drivers with horns ( buffaloes or elephants)
- Truck drivers ( they fly so high and fast that they cannot see you)!
- drivers with long hair ( horses and some .... driver), they panic and are unpredictable!
4 Never drive downhill in front of a truck , or uphill behind one
5 If you want to overtake , do it at a speed which will lift a cloud of dust:other drivers will think that a typhoon or tornado is on its way ,they will take cover
6 if your is obstacle is European,drives faster or crazier that you, while smiling , relax, let him pass . He must be French
7 If your obsacle is European,drives faster or crazier that you, while blowing the horn , relax, let him pass , he must be Italian
In case of rule #6 and # 7, you are no match,Quit or else...
Now that I have given you the rules, let's see if you understood the lesson, with a little math:
What was my average speed, considering that I was driving an average of one hour and a half each day?
How does it compare to your average driving speed?

For free lessons , come and drive in Paris !

[Ricardo]

"...in England, if a car flashes its lights at you, the message is: "Do go first, please; I couldn't POSSIBLY take precedence."
Yes, but...!
I worked in England for a while. To prepare myself for driving I read the Highway Code. It said that flashing lights should only ever be used as a warning. This is the same as most other countries, ie "I'm coming through. Keep out of the way."
Later, I was driving on a dual carriageway. A woman in a Rover 3500 started to pull out of a side road as I approached at the speed limit (I'll admit to no more) of 70 mph. So, as one would do anywhere and as the Highway Code advised was correct procedure, I flashed my lights to warn her of my approach.
And she pulled out in front of me!
With much demon braking and evasive manoeuvring I managed to miss her - just.
Obviously, English drivers don't read or follow the Highway Code published by their own government. This practice of flashing lights to advise people to go, totally at odds with the rest of the world, is very dangerous. But it did add some excitement to my day.

[Fellow Traveller]

the various comments above are interesting enough but in my view almost all of them miss the point of the discussion, which is not about driving at all. surely the topic is really: lessons about how to live.

The original list is life lessons disguised as traffic advice, ie, "bright lights blind people" is not really about dimming your headlights, but is really about the dangers of glamor and glitz, am I right, nuri?

[Mr Jam]

I agree with your Ricardo, that in most of the world, flashed lights mean "get out my way" unlike in England.

But I definitely do not think England should convert to the international system. The rest of the world should convert to the English system, where flashed lights, mean You first.

I love driving in England. There are exceptions, but in general, the drivers are genteel and will always allow you to merge (unless you jump a queue, in which case they will run you off the road without mercy).

[Mr Jam]

Dear fellow traveller, yes, you are right, the discussion is not about driving at all, but philosophy of life. But i quite like the comments on different driving styles from around the world: they are quite educational, don't you think?

[Ricardo]

I agree with Mr Jam's comment about driving in England. With the exception of the idiosyncratic interpretation of flashing headlights which, as I said, almost caught me out, the UK is the easiest country in the world in which I have driven. People drive fairly fast but follow the rules more than in most other countries. If you have the right-of-way you're expected to take it and, if the other fellow has it, then you're expected to give it. In many other countries people take the right-of-way when not entitled to it or, every bit as dangerous, wave someone else through when the waver has the right of way. In either case, you never know what to expect. Not so in the UK.

[fardel]

I believe that these columns are not more about life style than driving style.
It is more about the fun we can have , telling true or not so true stories when the present times are so hard on everybody.
We all need a strong medecine against stress:Nury's medecine is the best,it is free and does not have side effects ( as long as your boss does not catch you taking it)
Thank you so much for it

[Leo]

Boy, the lovely driving experience reminds of something...
I actually got an "F" word from a UK girl who was sitting next to the driver as a greeting. The driver offered me his middle finger kindly and nodded his head as a greeting...

Do all Asians get greetings from young UK drivers while they were walking along the pedestrian path?

I kind of enjoy the experience I had in Singapore, the taxi driver got big smile and talked on for hours to keep you entertained...

Taxi drivers in Hong Kong are quite efficient. I can guarentee that they can get you to anywhere in time. But you'd better have the safety belt on.

[truck rental]

Hehe! Number 14 is so true :) I would say it is true even in Europe- and as you said, in life! Great blog post! I feel exactly the same way about driving in London though hehe :)

[Jerry]

when everything in life is coming at you, you're in the wrong lane.

a woman was watching the news and saw a car going the wrong way down interstate 40. she called her husband [who was on that road] and said, "watch out! there's some rebel going the wrong direction down interstate 40!"
the husband said, "It's not just one, it's 50!" It was then that she noticed the car going the wrong way looked strikingly like her husbands...