By Nury Vittachi
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A European friend was booking a winter holiday that would take her to several Asian cities. "Shall I bring my driving license?" she asked on the phone.
"Sure, if you want," I said. "Meanwhile, I’ll organize the funeral."
Europeans should NEVER be allowed to drive in Asia unless they have medical proof of Total Invulnerability, ie, they need to have been born on the planet Krypton.
You see, in England, if a car flashes its lights at you, the message is: "Do go first, please; I couldn't POSSIBLY take precedence."
If a car flashes its lights at you in Asia, the message is: "I'm coming through! Banzaaaaai!"
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But you know what? I recently realized that learning to stay alive on the roads in this region is actually an excellent way of acquiring life skills. In fact, I would go so far as to say (ooh, I feel an aphorism coming up):
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Everything I Need to Know in Life, I Learned Driving a Car in Asia.
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1. If you unexpectedly get close to someone, give them a BIG smile.
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2. If you get close to someone who hasn't noticed you are there, make a loud noise.
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3. There will never be as many direction signs as you need.
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4. If you have right of way, but the other party is a massive great thing, actually THEY have right of way.
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5. Rules of the game at night differ from rules during the day.
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6. If everyone slows down, resist the temptation to overtake. People decelerate when there's a useful pay-off, such as Not Dying.
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7. If you find yourself in a fast-moving cluster, be the one at the back with your foot over the brake pedal.
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8. Anger is a blindfold.
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9. Get a full check-up at regular intervals.
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10. Suspiciously kind strangers who offer to drive you round the bend will eventually drive you round the bend.
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11. Bright lights blind people.
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12. Whenever the road ahead seems calm and clear, you are about to encounter something incredibly strange which will require urgent, evasive maneuvers.
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13. The more uneventful your journey has been, the weirder the interruptions will be.
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14. Behave yourself, as you can't always see the cameras.
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15. Guys: Sometimes some silly cow will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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16. Gals: Sometimes, some hairy gorilla will get in your way and interrupt your journey. Deal with it.
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17. Multi-tasking is never a good idea.
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18. Feng shui amulets, Buddhas, or statues of Ganesh all offer the same amount of immunity from disaster, ie, none.
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19. All journeys are bumpy ones.
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20. The fact that you believe in clearly signaling your intentions does not mean that anyone else will.
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21. Momentum is something you CAN have too much of.
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22. The driver's attitude is more important than the vehicle's physical condition in achieving successful forward movement.
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23. Always travel with friends. (Can I be one of yours?)
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24. Finally, despite the existence of this and other lists of rules, remember: there actually aren't any rules.
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Life is a journey. The journey IS the destination. You don’t get points for getting to the end of it more quickly than the rest of us.
Happy Christmas.
