Bulletproof your job

By Nury Vittachi

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Thanks for the comments on the "life is like driving" post. 
                A bit of humor is SO important in these depressing times. I bought the Financial Times on the way to the office this morning and was shocked by how many articles in it focused on how bad life is going to be in 2009 (mostly about job losses). What an awful way to start the year.

               The way I see it, it's all a matter of attitude. Look at it this way:

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A wild new game is gripping the world's workers. It is called "Holding Onto Your Job".

Anyone can play. And you don't need special equipment.

                The rules: The first round begins on Monday at 9 am. All you have to do is stay employed until Friday, 5 pm.

If you make it, you’re a winner! Feel free to leap around, punching the air.

Losers: empty your desks and file out.

                The following week, you play it again. And the week after. In fact, economists believe this will be the world's top hobby for employed people for the next TWO YEARS.
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As a special gift to readers, we hereby present a list of six clever ways to stay on the winning team.  
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1. Create a strong, personal bond with the boss. Ideally, marry his daughter. If you are already married, convert to a way of life that involves having multiple partners, such as becoming a traditionalist Muslim, a traditionalist Mormon, or a Frenchman. If she is aged 13 or less, take it slooooow.

Note: If your boss has no daughter, simply marry HIM instead. This may be a problem if you are both the same sex, but it is not insurmountable. Simply move to a country which recognizes same-sex marriages, such as the Netherlands. Why not organize a business trip to Amsterdam and surprise him with a bunch of flowers and a candlelit dinner the first night? He'll be thrilled!
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2. Be a champion backstabber. Make up vile tales about the disgusting personal habits of your fellow workers and ensure the boss gets to know about them.  If you are in law or journalism, you probably won't even have to invent the stories.
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3. Make sure you know at least one major company secret. I suggest a quick snoop through the company files when the boss is out of town. Better still, take the secretaries out and get them drunk.  As a last resort, marry a secretary. (Or several, see point number one.)
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4. Hide essential files. Work out which projects are crucial to the future of the company and put yourself in charge of the documentation. Bury them in the local park. Let people know what you have done by strutting around the office, dusting soil off your fingers and making provocative movements with your eyebrows. (I can show you how to do this if you need help.)
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5. Take credit for everything good that happens. And I mean EVERYTHING. If the chairman makes a comment about the nice weather, explain that you hired a small plane and seeded the clouds so that they rained themselves out. If the boss comments that he enjoyed a particular movie, tell him that you wrote the screenplay in your spare time under a pen-name.
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6. Blame your co-workers for everything bad that happens. If there is an earthquake in California, tell your boss you overheard your colleagues discussing the bombs they planted around the San Andreas Fault.
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7. If your boss does decide to sack you, quickly borrow money, buy the company and sack him instead. You'll end up with a huge debt. But your former boss will shortly work out that his best move is to marry your daughter. Let him. He'll inherit the company and you can retire while he sorts out the problems. Easy as pie.
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Follow the steps above and you will stay employed.

Or at least go out with a bang.

Comments

[Rae]

This is a good one ! I love it !

[martel]

The thing about marrying the bosses daughter is so right. I know so many useless useless useless people who are thriving because of their family connections. you know we are supposed to be living in a classless society these days but the money and the jobs are handed around to family and friends just as much as they ever were. time for a revolution.

[Adalina Lo]

We will never live in a classless society. People are not created equal, nor should people with varying talents, attitude, and skill be treated equally. Mystics would disagree but thank god the world isn't run by them.

"Love should be shown to all without discrimination." Bleh. Again, how many mystics do you know. When with a loving mystic, act like a loving mystic. When with Saddam, act like Saddam.

(Unless the Age of Aquarius will really arrive and that won't be likely unless human beings change the depths of their DNA.)

Sometimes playing good politics (i.e. marrying the boss' daughter whose breath you can't stand) is all it takes to lead a "successful" life and what successful is certainly subjective and dependent on the individual.

[Santox]

Wonderful, your name is Wit!

[Leo]

Nice try...
What if your boss is already married?
Or for the worst...
He's a MACHINE?

And even worse, you are the boss but the head boss lives overseas...
What can you do?

[fardel]

Is keeping a job that important that you have to marry the boss's daughter?
When something goes wrong on the job ,will it get into the house?
If you cannot perform at home, will it be reported to your job as well?

[Izzy Wong]

What if your boss pulls a fusion of 1 and 2?

Say, he lets you marry his daughter, gets the company into huge debt, then gives you the company? Then what?

[anonymous]

Marry another person
that is rich.