An instruction manual for babies

By Nury Vittachi

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One of my workmates just became a father. He's in a state of shock.

I’ll tell you why men have difficulty coping with newborns. Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, like other cool, portable accessories.

Hey! Guys need clear, detailed directions in a style we're used to. So here they are.
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The Baby Manual for Modern Men

Congratulations on acquiring Microswift Baby 0.1. Your Baby will give you years of fun if maintained properly.

But first, take a moment to register. Click here to register now. Or click here if you want Microswift to send a representative to your home who will pop up from under the sofa at regular intervals to say: “NOW would you like to register?”
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Be sure to read the following QUICK START instructions before using Baby 0.1.

                Your Microswift Baby 1.0 comes in a convenient container known as Microswift Woman 2.0. This container should be placed at a convenient working height. It is recommended that you use a soft surface such as a hospital bed, rather than the normal garage worktop.

Woman 2.0 is inherently unstable and can react in an unpredictable manner.
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First, take Baby 1.0 out of the container. In case of difficulty, you may use forceps. It is recommend that you do NOT use other metal tools, such as crowbar, screwdriver, or lobster-grip pliers.

You will find the following items.
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Baby 1.0

Placenta

Umbilical cord

(If any of these are not present, please see your dealer.)
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Once Baby 1.0 is out of the package, it should switch itself on automatically. If not, pick it up and pat it gently on the pair of touch sensitive pads you find on the underside (“the buttocks”). It will immediately respond with a wah-wah-wah sound. This is normal, and should not be considered a fault.

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Be sure to fully charge Baby 1.0 after unpacking. The charger is built into the container. On the upper side of Woman 2.0 you will find a storage device with a protruding jack, known as a teat. Two are provided on each container. Be careful to put it into the correct opening on Baby 1.0. The Mouth has a reddish outline. Warning: Your Baby 1.0 will not charge if the charger is connected to the Ear or Nostril.

                A single charge can keep Baby going for several hours, however, it should be topped up at regular intervals, including during the night.

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Always use the original container to recharge Baby 1.0. The use of random women for this purpose or other related purposes is strongly discouraged and will void the guarantee and ruin your life.

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If Baby 1.0 gets dusty or lightly smeared, do not put it into a washing machine. Simply wipe with a damp cloth. However, if it gets extremely dirty, or starts to smell bad, it is recommended that you do not attempt to correct the problem yourself. Place the product back on top of Woman 2.0 and leave the room for 10 minutes.

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Enjoy Baby 1.0 and show it off to your friends and family.

                We are convinced that you will have so much fun that you will soon want to more Microswift Babies.

                And if you don’t – well, there’s a no returns policy. So get used to it.

Comments

[Adalina Lo]

"Woman 2.0 is inherently unstable and can react in an unpredictable manner."

Not an exclusive female trait.

Let me send you the posts of this Modern Version 1 of Early Man in another forum I frequent. However, his inherent instability is awfully predictable.

[fardel]

Sir
I opened the microswift 1.0 package yesterday.
I have read your manual with a lot of attention , and I have followed your instructions to the letter;
I have to address a complaint since my microswift 1.0 does not operate according to your manual
1 It is hanging on the charger all the time :the two chargers are already running dry,
2 It has another malfunction not explained in your manual : it seems like it is leaking both sides PERMANENTLY. with a brown soft substance stinky smell flowing off the back , when a more liquid yellow substace leaks in front, the liquid does not smell much better than the other one, and I was “showered” when I tried to change the protecting pads recommended by your instruction manual.
3 I run out of protecting pads as well, not expecting such a consumption;
There is no warning about that

4 instead of the WAW WAW I expected, I get a permanent high pitch noise which kept the whole neighbourhood up all of last night.
I do not know how to stop it since your microswift1.0 comes without reset/ stop switch
I read the instructions again and again to find what I did wrong , but your manual lacks explanations about these malfunctions

I called a friend who just received his microswift ;he told me that he does not know how to hold the little thing , which moves almost permanently.
Otherwise he got the same problems as me.
Since this product seems unfinished/ untested ,I have to call for a refund ,or a replacement .
Because I am a nice guy and I do not like long term involvement with trouble ,I could consider a discount on the next edition of you microswift

If you do not send me a better manual , or a replacement microswift1.0 ,I shall have to sue your Company

Fed up father

Note :Is there a recycling facility for microswift , where I could dispose of my malfunctioning product?

[Woman 2.0]

Dear Microswift,
I received Man 2.0 yesterday.
However, the system appears to have frozen.
It just sits on the sofa with a beer in one hand.
Is this a system crash or is this normal?

[Santox]

If I were a newborn, I would 'say' Cheers to you on your momentarily-mind-musing manual for modern men. And if I were a newborn who could read, I'd like to have this as a Christmas present: "A Father Manual for Modern Newborns "

[Nashua]

My baby 1.0 keeps exercising his freedom of movement. Is there a way to discourage this? the usual methods (highchair, buggy, rope, duct tape, imprisonment) are no longer effective. :)

I first read the above article in playtimes and have saved it for a couple of expecting friends. The poor fools. Thank you for the signed books last sat Nury, I'm sure you've just made this a Christmas to remember (I giggled reading Wicked Christmas before wrapping it -- loved the end!)Catch you around HK I'm sure.
nashua

[R.V.Ramani]

Ha Ha Ha ! Real cool hilarious stuff!
RVR

[Microswift]

Dear Woman 2.0

Regarding your problem with your Man 2.0 which appears to have frozen:

Our technical support recommends that you do the procedure known as a "reboot".

Use a size 10 boot with a steel-capped toe, and kick as hard as you can.

This should get Man 2.0 moving again.

[Deepak]

Dear Woman 2.0,

Please be aware that just as pirated versions of Man 2.0 are rampant among Beijing returned womenfolk of Asia, there are also unauthorized "authorized" sounding Microswift experts on the net. In this age of spam tsunami and huge latest generation of fishers (fresh out of losing their regular jobs in finance), there are many masquerading as MCP (Microswift Certified Professional). Please do not fall prey to these fishers. Seems to be influenced by recent episode of our President in Iraq.

Here is a correct procedure for reviving your Man 2.0 when it appears to be frozen.

1. Stop nagging your Man 2.0. It is found that Man 2.0 instantly freezes with the first smell of nagging. We are working on this bug and we will release a new patch after Christmas.

2. If you have recently acquired our other successful product Microswift Baby 0.1, please be aware that most of Man 2.0 are incompatible with the chores of fatherhood. We are working on this to improve our product. You will normally find that your Man 2.0 works very well when you upgrade yourself with Boy 2.0 or Girl 2.0 and higher.

Caution: Your Man 2.0 may gang up with Boy 2.0 or Girl 2.0 and completely neutralize your WMD (Weapon of Man Destruction) UltraNagger.

3. We have found that a late waking up with a cup of his favourite Tea or Coffee served with daily unopened Newspaper in the bed works perfectly.

Sincerely,
Microswift Certified Professional,
Redmond, Washington.

[Microswift]

We'd just like to point out that the comment above is from the MALE department of Microswift. The FEMALE department would like to point out that it has completely different guidelines.

A quirk (we prefer not to use the word 'fault') is observable in all versions of Man 2.0.

The problem lies in the self-lubricating program. While originally designed to fetch a lubrication from the kitchen, this function can lock, causing Man 2.0 to perform the function repeatedly.

Typically, a Man 2.0 will self-lubricate with four to ten cans of beer, causing a major slowdown in cognitive and physical functions.

The good news is that most Women will not notice the difference.

Our advice is to take a handy Microswift Securing Device and chain Man 2.0 to the table.

[Chamin]

My problem is that unlike all the other cool gadgets, babies have large random emissions of fluids or semi-fluids from a number of ports. I generally prefer to enjoy other people's baby gadgets after they become more stable with Service Pack (birthday) 3.0 or 4.0.