World's Oldest Jokes

Yes, they're back again

By Nury Vittachi

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There was an article in the press the other day saying that the world's first piece of humor had been found: an ancient riddle composed in Sumeria, now called Iraq.

What rubbish. A riddle is an intellectual puzzle. Humor is a completely different thing altogether. It is a SITUATIONAL exchange and grows out of relationships. (Remind me to write an academic paper on this.)

                To set the record straight, we hereby publish below the REAL oldest jokes in the world.
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The Very First Piece of Humor Ever:

            God: "Good morning, Eve. Fancy a joke?"

Eve:  "Sure."

God: "See that thing over there?"

Eve: "You mean that hairy creature amusing itself by lighting its own gaseous emissions?"

God: "Yeah. Well, you're married to it."
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The Very First Piece of Husband and Wife Humor:

Adam: "Ow! I feel like my guts have been ripped out."

Eve: "Hello, my name's Eve, and I'm here to tell you that you better get used to that feeling."
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The Very First Piece of Cave-dweller Humor:

Early cavewoman to another early cavewoman: "Men. They're just a load of bloody Neanderthals."

Neanderthal Men: "We can't help it. Really."
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The Very First Joke in China:

Confucius: "Now I want you to write down everything I say and hand in your papers at the end of each day."

Disciple: "You're not thinking of publishing our work and making yourself immortal, are you?"

Confucius: "Hey! Would I do a thing like that?"
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The Very First Animal Joke:

Noah: "Now if you dinosaurs don't stop larking about, I'm going to leave you all behind."

Dinosaurs: "Oh yeah? You're full of crap, Noah. You wouldn't dare."

Noah: "Oh yeah?"
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The Very First Joke in Africa:

Pharoah: "How's the skyscraper going?"

The First Architect: "The foundations went down fine, but inflation has caused havoc with our estimates for rocks and slaves. We may to taper the design as it goes up."

Phaorah: "Meaning?"

The First Architect: "Listen, Ramses. How'd you fancy a pyramid?"

Pharoah: "I don't know. Will it still have a duplex penthouse on the roof?"

The First Architect: "Well, best I can do is a flattish rock up top where you can sit and have a nice view of the dunes, and the other dunes, and the other other dunes."
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The Very First Joke in the Middle East:

Moses:  "Look, I've got these ten commandments."

The First Lawyer: "Hey, hang on, you'd better let me take a look at those. I might want to add a line or two."
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The Very First Joke in India:

Buddha:  "Ouch. I got cramp."

Mrs Buddha: "Not surprising, the way you sit on the floor all the time. I'm getting you a proper office chair for your birthday."
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The Very First Jewish Joke:

Abraham: "I am going to have as many children as there are stars in the sky."

Sarah: "Good luck, buster, I am SO outta here."
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 The Very First Joke in America:

                Running Bear: "Good morning, Big Chief Sitting Bull—hey, what happened to your hair?"

                Big Chief Sitting Bull: "Damn. Must have left my wig in the wigwam or toupee in the teepee."

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Now I know that historians among you may be saying: where's the proof that these people above originated humor?

                Well, the proof is the fact that where there are people, there is humor.  With only four exceptions.
1. US airports.
2. Australian airports.
3. Singaporean sitcoms.
4. China.
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(image: www.allposters.com)

 

Comments

[fardel]

The first seafarer’s jokes
Christopher Columbus:
“By sailing West I shall find India.”In modern words:looking for a V Ta Shi , found a far Del ”
Captain Cook: “I shall discover the islands and sample exotic cuisine” Also the origins of the word “cooking”
Fletcher Christian:“Let’s throw Captain Bligh in a canoe and find ourselves a nice tropical island”
The first explorer’s joke:“They listened to a Bush and wandered in the deserts for 40 years”
Alexander the Great, to his soldiers
“We are the best army in the world ,we shall crush Porus in no time”
also, the origin of the word "stampede”

First Australian airport joke
“Call the kangaroos!See if they can kick a V Ta shi out of the country in less than five minutes”

First joke from a very serious lady to her daughter:
“Good news, I finally found a very serious young man for you .
Bad news ,he is a colunmist, in a local newpaper”

[Jan]

Fardel : NB there are NO Australian airport jokes - not allowed!

[fardel]

There is no joke on my airport either.
Only the Police can issue, patent and use ( undercover )jokes;
It is called national security prerogative;
It is coded like carrying and using a weapon so that common passengers cannnot recognize them as jokes.
It can be used only against Aliens
Same rules applies worldwide ( ref IATA rule 1-225-327 dated sept 11 2001 , modified sept 12 , 12 14 15 and 20 2001)