Why men don't write advice columns

They are all written by women

By Nury Vittachi

*

Your humble narrator was thrilled to be invited to be the humour columnist for Reader's Digest. But the job of advice columnist went to a woman.

                I did some research, and discovered that ALL 'Dear Auntie' columns in ALL newspapers and magazines around the world are written by women. This is unfair. Men should be allowed to write advice columns too.

*
Dear Uncle,
My son is interested in nothing except the Manchester United football team. He missed his grandma's funeral to watch the recent cup final on TV. When we came home from the cemetery he was dancing with joy over a goal. It was most inappropriate and the mourners were deeply shocked.
Despairing Widow.
*
Dear Despairing Widow,
It is clear you have a serious problem here. No right-thinking person would celebrate a goal which was so obviously off-side. The ref must have been TOTALLY blind. Ask your son to check the action replays and he will see the final was STOLEN from AC Milan.
*
Dear Uncle,
I believe my husband is trying to kill me. The brakes on my car stopped working and it looked like the brake lines had been cut. I can't report it to the police, since my husband is police chief. What shall I do?
Worried Wife.
*

Dear Worried Wife,
This is an interesting problem. While a loss of control can be caused by cut brake lines, it could also be a problem with your brake fluid or the pads. Check all three. The economic downturn has intensified competition in the car industry, so you should be able to obtain a first class repair service at 30 per cent below list price.
*
Dear Uncle,
20 minutes after my son Jason went to school, a message popped up for him on the family computer. His teacher invited him to meet her after school at a hotel. She signed the note 'smoochykins'. He is 17, and his teacher is around 30. What should I do?
Concerned Mother.
*
Dear Concerned Mother,
Instant message programs should automatically log out after five minutes of inactivity. Upgrade to MSN version 7.0 to prevent this problem reoccurring.

*
Dear Uncle,
My husband bought a home security video system last year. I came home early yesterday and noticed it showed two people kissing in the back garden. Although the picture was fuzzy and grainy, I could clearly make out the faces of my husband and my neighbour. I haven't said anything to him yet. We have been married 18 years. What should I do?
Broken-Hearted Wife.
*
Dear Broken-Hearted Wife,
This problem is easily fixed. Replace the wiring with a high impedance cable, set the camera to 'High Definition' and consider getting an NVidia graphics card. Fuzzy and grainy images will be a thing of the past, and you will get crystal clear images from your back garden!
*
Dear Uncle,
My husband spent the money we had saved for our children's education on a Rolex watch. He says it is vital for his image. But surely he has done wrong?
Penniless Housewife.
*
Dear Penniless Housewife,
Yes, your husband has done something very wrong and you should tell him so. Look him in the eye and say: 'Rolex is so yesterday. James Bond wears an Omega. Why did you not consider buying an Omega?' (This answer sponsored by Omega watches.)

 

Comments

[godiva]

this is so vintage Nury.Reading your column is the best way to start the day... thanks...

[Adalina Lo]

Men do have emotions and have subjective experiences. Way more than women.

They sublimate their angst by creating technological monstrosities that are painfully complicated to operate.

That's why I still haven't figured a way to fix my toilet or to use 99% of my MacBook functions.

[fardel]

Everyday brings a new load of fun; thanks;
I read the text in the newspaper yesterday (5pm) when it was still on the press in your country) and just saw the picture going with it.More laugh;it adds a new dimension to this article;
I am disappointed though; your columns are so well thought , written and so true to our times that I was expecting a lot more comments;but when you can get six comments to a story it is a lot.
Is it considered bad beahaviour to answer you, or is it THAT DANGEROUS!

[Rika]

I don't think that a lot of people visit certain sites regularly, and I only tend to write here when I have something to say that could be recieved as funnier as Nury - one has at least to try and take on the challange.

On Thursdays one should actually see a steep increase of hits on this site with comments going through the roof - that is when I have the publishing day of my website, where I always have one of Nury's coloumns linked in: Yes I do demand some praise!

But apparently my two fans refuse to pop over and have a look...
...or...
... I don't even have two fans.

[anon]

Quote from an earlier column on this site:
Q: Why don't men talk about their feelings?
A: They don't have any.

[fardel]

Yes , you are right, it is about time that men can take over these columns in the newspaper
Let's call it ( for the West) the Family shrink's corner:
Dear worried wife:
Nobody should have such suspicions;It could be your lover's wife too.
Dear concerned mother;
You should be proud that your son has been picked as the best student for advanced private classes, by his female teacher .
Didn't you wished your husband had received advance classes, too?
Dear broken hearted wife
Maybe you should invite your neighbour's husband to use the front garden with you.
It might breaks your marriage,but it will repair you heart.
Dear penniless Housewife;
I am sorry to hear that; you should have invested in L .B shares like everyone else.

Note: if you can read the first and last lines of my comments only, it means that my advises did not pass the censor's scrutiny

[Sharanya]

You forgot Cary Tennis of Salon, though! :)

[May]

Haha...Mr. Jam, Women are very keen to express their feelings while men would choose to keep silent (columnist excepted)....Hey, Penniless Housewife, you should praise your husband instead as the price of Rolex has been increased dramatically. Talking about watches, I'm a fan of Omega too

[Smiling]

Of course, womens use feelings and brain, mens don't.

[TMJ]

Generally, men doesn't like to do advices, they prefer action.

[Perfect Smile]

Due the traditional "self-made idea" that these kind of men haves.

[sej]

Men don't write advice columns, because we would simply say something along the lines of...

Nury, where the bloody hell is your next column!!

[Rika]

Agree with sej! Can hardly opperate the keybord due to shaking physiognomy, head is spinning and just fell off the chair. Am on Nury deprivation turkey.

Hope our humble narrator is well and up and running, tho...?!

[Angela]

What's going on????

I am starting to get the shakes and can't concentrate on work as I keep checking back to see if new column is posted.

Definitely exhibiting symptoms of vittachi-ritis.. :(

I need my medication..soon..else my colleagues may have to call the ambulance..

[Karuna]

http://www.thestandard.com.hk/news_detail.asp?we_cat=5&art_id=89644&sid=25844214&con_type=1&d_str=20091027&fc=2

today posting on The Standard

[fardel]

I believe that it is good to read old columns once in a while.
Hey Nury
Did the Immigration people anywhere , hold you for your last columns about them, or did your try a joke at an airport,against my advice?
Did your brain freeze in Germany and need thawing ( like it happens to me when I go to Europe?

[Buy Viagra]

It's a good question, I wonder why they don't write.

[Arsinoe Faust]

This is so funny! It really made me smile after a hectic, tiring school day. ^^