They are all written by women
By Nury Vittachi
*
Your humble narrator was thrilled to be invited to be the humour columnist for Reader's Digest. But the job of advice columnist went to a woman.
I did some research, and discovered that ALL 'Dear Auntie' columns in ALL newspapers and magazines around the world are written by women. This is unfair. Men should be allowed to write advice columns too.
*
Dear Uncle,
My son is interested in nothing except the Manchester United football team. He missed his grandma's funeral to watch the recent cup final on TV. When we came home from the cemetery he was dancing with joy over a goal. It was most inappropriate and the mourners were deeply shocked.
Despairing Widow.
*
Dear Despairing Widow,
It is clear you have a serious problem here. No right-thinking person would celebrate a goal which was so obviously off-side. The ref must have been TOTALLY blind. Ask your son to check the action replays and he will see the final was STOLEN from AC Milan.
*
Dear Uncle,
I believe my husband is trying to kill me. The brakes on my car stopped working and it looked like the brake lines had been cut. I can't report it to the police, since my husband is police chief. What shall I do?
Worried Wife.
*
Dear Worried Wife,
This is an interesting problem. While a loss of control can be caused by cut brake lines, it could also be a problem with your brake fluid or the pads. Check all three. The economic downturn has intensified competition in the car industry, so you should be able to obtain a first class repair service at 30 per cent below list price.
*
Dear Uncle,
20 minutes after my son Jason went to school, a message popped up for him on the family computer. His teacher invited him to meet her after school at a hotel. She signed the note 'smoochykins'. He is 17, and his teacher is around 30. What should I do?
Concerned Mother.
*
Dear Concerned Mother,
Instant message programs should automatically log out after five minutes of inactivity. Upgrade to MSN version 7.0 to prevent this problem reoccurring.
*
Dear Uncle,
My husband bought a home security video system last year. I came home early yesterday and noticed it showed two people kissing in the back garden. Although the picture was fuzzy and grainy, I could clearly make out the faces of my husband and my neighbour. I haven't said anything to him yet. We have been married 18 years. What should I do?
Broken-Hearted Wife.
*
Dear Broken-Hearted Wife,
This problem is easily fixed. Replace the wiring with a high impedance cable, set the camera to 'High Definition' and consider getting an NVidia graphics card. Fuzzy and grainy images will be a thing of the past, and you will get crystal clear images from your back garden!
*
Dear Uncle,
My husband spent the money we had saved for our children's education on a Rolex watch. He says it is vital for his image. But surely he has done wrong?
Penniless Housewife.
*
Dear Penniless Housewife,
Yes, your husband has done something very wrong and you should tell him so. Look him in the eye and say: 'Rolex is so yesterday. James Bond wears an Omega. Why did you not consider buying an Omega?' (This answer sponsored by Omega watches.)
