The language of business people
By Nury Vittachi
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I used to wonder what it would be like to work for a billionaire. Then I met three people who did—or at least, they did until last month, when two of them were sacked.
Having talked to them, I now realize that one can receive the same level of excitement and job satisfaction by simply staking oneself to the ground next to a large sign saying: "Human Trampoline. Have a go. Wear spiked shoes if you like."
Billionaires are tough to work for. They make you slave 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but if you are lucky, you get a reward: you are allowed to live.
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One of the biggest problems is that none of them speak English. They speak their own language, called Tycoonese. Anyone who is thinking of going to work for a business mogul will need this useful phrasebook:
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Tycoonese: We have a small problem.
Translation: You have a huge problem.
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Tycoonese: I want you to revise some paperwork.
Translation: I need you to set up a massive network of nominee companies to hide something.
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Tycoonese: I want you to be flexible in your thinking.
Translation: Switch off your conscience and put it in the bin.
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Tycoonese: You’ll adjust to my style of working very quickly.
Translation: I own you.
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Tycoonese: We always go by the book.
Translation: We have lawyers looking for loopholes on a full-time basis.
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Tycoonese: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.
Translation: We need to hide some mistakes and launder some money.
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Tycoonese: I want to emphasize that we value ethics above everything.
Translation: I am talking rubbish to get it out of the way so that we move on to some rule-bending.
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Tycoonese: What I prize most is our reputation.
Translation: What I prize most is not getting caught.
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Tycoonese: As you know, our company name is a byword for being above reproach.
Translation: Amazingly, no one has caught us yet.
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Tycoonese: I want you to feel you can say anything to me.
Translation: I want you to feel you can say anything to me as long as it is exactly what I want to hear.
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Tycoonese: My staff are intensely loyal to me.
Translation: My staff are terrified of me.
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Tycoonese: I have gone beyond the stage where making money is the key aim.
Translation: We both know I am talking rubbish, but you would be wise to nod anyway.
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Tycoonese: Let’s put on our marketing hats.
Translation: I need you to sell some toxic investments.
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Tycoonese: I’d like your buy-in on this.
Translation: I need someone to blame if this goes belly-up and you have been chosen.
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Tycoonese: You should have been more pro-active.
Translation: I have decided to blame you for my bad decisions.
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Tycoonese: We are going to leverage our resources.
Translation: You will be doing the work of six from now on.
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Tycoonese: I want you to interpret the financial model for me.
Translation: I can’t use Excel.
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I asked a money-manager friend who works for one of Asia's richest (as in "most unpleasant") men how he coped with it.
He said: "It's very stressful, but there's one Tycoonese phrase I really like: 'I put a little something extra in your paypacket.' The word 'little' is Tycoonese for 'massive'."
