Tycoonese for beginners

The language of business people

By Nury Vittachi

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I used to wonder what it would be like to work for a billionaire. Then I met three people who did—or at least, they did until last month, when two of them were sacked.

               Having talked to them, I now realize that one can receive the same level of excitement and job satisfaction by simply staking oneself to the ground next to a large sign saying: "Human Trampoline. Have a go. Wear spiked shoes if you like."

                Billionaires are tough to work for. They make you slave 24 hours a day, seven days a week, but if you are lucky, you get a reward: you are allowed to live.
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One of the biggest problems is that none of them speak English.  They speak their own language, called Tycoonese.  Anyone who is thinking of going to work for a business mogul will need this useful phrasebook:

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Tycoonese: We have a small problem.

Translation: You have a huge problem.
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Tycoonese: I want you to revise some paperwork.

Translation: I need you to set up a massive network of nominee companies to hide something.
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Tycoonese: I want you to be flexible in your thinking.

Translation: Switch off your conscience and put it in the bin.
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Tycoonese: You’ll adjust to my style of working very quickly.

Translation: I own you.

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Tycoonese: We always go by the book.

Translation: We have lawyers looking for loopholes on a full-time basis.
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Tycoonese: Our business is going through a paradigm shift.

Translation: We need to hide some mistakes and launder some money.
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Tycoonese: I want to emphasize that we value ethics above everything.

Translation: I am talking rubbish to get it out of the way so that we move on to some rule-bending.
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Tycoonese: What I prize most is our reputation.

Translation: What I prize most is not getting caught.
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Tycoonese: As you know, our company name is a byword for being above reproach.

Translation: Amazingly, no one has caught us yet.
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Tycoonese: I want you to feel you can say anything to me.

Translation: I want you to feel you can say anything to me as long as it is exactly what I want to hear.
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Tycoonese: My staff are intensely loyal to me.

Translation: My staff are terrified of me.
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Tycoonese: I have gone beyond the stage where making money is the key aim.

Translation: We both know I am talking rubbish, but you would be wise to nod anyway.
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Tycoonese: Let’s put on our marketing hats.

Translation: I need you to sell some toxic investments.
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Tycoonese: I’d like your buy-in on this.

Translation: I need someone to blame if this goes belly-up and you have been chosen.
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Tycoonese: You should have been more pro-active.

Translation: I have decided to blame you for my bad decisions.
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Tycoonese: We are going to leverage our resources.

Translation: You will be doing the work of six from now on.
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Tycoonese: I want you to interpret the financial model for me.

Translation: I can’t use Excel.
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I asked a money-manager friend who works for one of Asia's richest (as in "most unpleasant") men how he coped with it.

He said: "It's very stressful, but there's one Tycoonese phrase I really like: 'I put a little something extra in your paypacket.' The word 'little' is Tycoonese for 'massive'."

 

 

Comments

[sabotagekatt]

Thank you Mr Vittachi!
I'm having an especially tough day with my ex-banker boss, and this really put a smile back on my face.

[Adalina Lo]

Thanks for speaking up, Nury!

I don't know billionaires in person but I've known "mere" multi-millionaires. Even they are just as bad.

Sadly, I find your article to be funny as I always do, but this time, it's too true and *realistic* to be funny. I find it painful that the world does have such people running the show and controlling the fate of others.

Hopefully, reincarnation, karmic retribution, the afterlife, etc. do exist exist, because otherwise these guys are really going to get away from it all!

[fardel]

Tycoon:I hear that you can solve any problem:can you work for me, two or three hours a day?
Me ( proud ) :"sure "!
Next day:Phone company at day break:Tycoon wants to find you when you are not at work;
Aug 25, Tycoon: “I need to open hotel dec 1”;
me:(stupid) "sure".
Tycoon: “the garden was not planted yet.Take these checks ,find grown up trees”;
Me :(not any smarter)”sure,How many?”
Tycoon :”1000 trees ,3000 bush trees, 4000 plants,AND do not forget the lawn”
Me “How big ? the trees”
tycoon :”20 feet minimum”
Me :”How big, the lawn ?”
Tycoon :”3 acres”
Me :(After two months all over the Caribbean , looking for trees, boats , trucks, gardeners..)”Here we are ,1000 trees,3000 bush trees,4000 plants”
Tycoon:”There is no water for the garden,pipes will arrive november 20.Take these checks;Get water:do not forget !I need to open hotel dec 1 ,with grown up trees,and a beautifully trimmed garden.”
Oct 20 Tycoon:”I bought a motor boat in the US,will be ready nov 1,take these checks,go get it.”
Me(:stupid fool,in the garden, planting and watering trees, by hand,planting grass like you plant rice in Asia ):“sure”
Nov 1, Me (still, stupid, in front of a wreck.)” boat not ready ,I'm coming home”;
Nov 20,Tycoon , :”My wife wants to see the boat, take these checks,take her with you”
Me (not so sure) “sure”
Tycoon:”Business trip , not pleasure trip”
nov 20 ,11 am Me ,( really stupid,in front of a wreck, with tycoon’s wife)"Boat not finished,I'm taking your wife shopping in Miami."
Nov 20 , 1pm, 2pm, 3pm 4pm 5pm....8pm ....Tycoon:”How is shopping with my wife?”
Me (unsure ,and crumbling under tons of useless things) :”I would prefer the company of trees”.
Tycoon:”she wants the boat for Christmas present ,take these checks, have the boat ready for Christmas”
Dec 20 Me , ( in front of a beautiful boat): “Boat not ready,electrician disappeared before finishing the work, I'm coming home”
Tycoon :”Take these checks, you stay there”.
Dec 25 Me , (in front of tv , in unfriendly territory) “the boat will be ready dec 27 ”
tycoon:”Take these checks,you stay there, I am coming”
Jan1 Me (getting smart) in Disney World “the boat will be ready jan 2 ”
Jan 3 3 am : Me ,(hanging to the railing ,like a bait for sharkfishing behind the boat,in a storm, boat without electricity, running on one engine ):”If I make it to harbor, I go home”
Tycoon ( seasick in cabin):”take these checks, take me to harbour, in one piece,you save the boat”
Feb10 :Tycoon ( from the boat,still in Miami 2 pm);”I hear that you spent the day visiting gynaecologists with my wife”
Me, (embarassed):”her pregnancy is not good,I thought she was dying!”
Tycoon:”Take these checks,send her to France; we discuss that later”;
March 20: Me (on my knees) I cannot run any longer,I am drained.
Tycoon:"My account is not . Take these checks, I want you to build a town with airport in the jungle in Central America.Ii want it ready next year
Me ( finally smart):”You keep your checks;I keep my life”
Tycoon, (with checkbook in hand). "How much do you want?"
Nov 18, 20 years later
Me :still free and alive, not rich yet
Tycoon: released from jail, still rich

[Nury]

I can see that tycoons on your side of the world are just as bad as the tycoons in the east!
I would rather be poor and me than rich and have that sort of personality.

[fardel]

me too, but nobody is perfect , not even us!

[fardel]

Tycoon's official speech
With only XX million people in the Caribbean,THERE IS ROOM FOR ONLY ONE AIRLINE :mine.

Tycoon incentive
I GIVE BETTER SALARIES to any Caribbean airline employee joining my airline

Tycoon's advertising
I BEAT THE COMPETITION WITH LOWER PRICES
25 Dollars less than the competition on any ticket
( comments:EC dollars)

One year later
ANY EMPLOYEE JOINING A UNION WILL BE SACKED

two years later
this old airline will not make it till the end of the year

Three years later
tycoon ( through a puppet minister)
This old airline will not be allowed to buy this other old airline; we have approved that only Mr tycoon can buy it, due to his commitment to local sports, and to his generosity (sic)

four years later (in the newspaper)
Mr Tycoon's airline LAST FLIGHT TOMORROW , leaving xx hundreds employees on the ground

Five years later on National media:

TYCOON IN HIDING?

Tycoon's attorney after Police finds him
NO COMMENT

For more comments or news about Mr Tycoon
Turn on your TV , worldwide.

Aviation comments
what goes up in the air , must come down .
It is the basic law of gravity.

Tycoon's daughter :
Who will marry me, now?

Tycoon's official speech
With only so little million people in the Caribbean,THERE IS ROOM FOR ONLY ONE AIRLINE :mine.

Tycoon incentive
I GIVE BETTER SALARIES to any Caribbean airline employee joining my airline

Tycoon's advertising
I BEAT THE COMPETITION WITH LOWER PRICES
25 Dollars less than the competition on any ticket
( comments:EC dollars)

One year later
ANY EMPLOYEE JOINING A UNION WILL BE SACKED

two years later
this old airline will not make it till the end of the year

Three years later
tycoon ( through a puppet minister)
This old airline will not be allowed to buy this other old airline; we have approved that only Mr tycoon can buy it, due to his commitment to local sports, and to his generosity (sic)

four years later (in the newspaper)
Mr Tycoon's airline LAST FLIGHT TOMORROW , leaving xx hundreds employees on the ground

Five years later on National media:

TYCOON IN HIDING?

Tycoon's attorney after Police finds him
NO COMMENT

For more comments or news about Mr Tycoon
Turn on your TV , worldwide.

Aviation comments
what goes up in the air , must come down .
It is the basic law of gravity.

Tycoon's daughter :
Who will marry me, now?

Tycoon's official speech
With only so little million people in the Caribbean,THERE IS ROOM FOR ONLY ONE AIRLINE :mine.

Tycoon incentive
I GIVE BETTER SALARIES to any Caribbean airline employee joining my airline

Tycoon's advertising
I BEAT THE COMPETITION WITH LOWER PRICES
25 Dollars less than the competition on any ticket
( comments:EC dollars)

One year later
ANY EMPLOYEE JOINING A UNION WILL BE SACKED

two years later
this old airline will not make it till the end of the year

Three years later
tycoon ( through a puppet minister)
This old airline will not be allowed to buy this other old airline; we have approved that only Mr tycoon can buy it, due to his commitment to local sports, and to his generosity (sic)

four years later (in the newspaper)
Mr Tycoon's airline LAST FLIGHT TOMORROW , leaving xx hundreds employees on the ground

Five years later on National media:

TYCOON IN HIDING?

Tycoon's attorney after Police finds him
NO COMMENT

For more comments or news about Mr Tycoon
Turn on your TV , worldwide.

Aviation comments
what goes up in the air , must come down .
It is the basic law of gravity.

Tycoon's daughter :
Who will marry me, now?

Tycoon's official speech
With only so little million people in the Caribbean,THERE IS ROOM FOR ONLY ONE AIRLINE :mine.

Tycoon incentive
I GIVE BETTER SALARIES to any Caribbean airline employee joining my airline

Tycoon's advertising
I BEAT THE COMPETITION WITH LOWER PRICES
25 Dollars less than the competition on any ticket
( comments:EC dollars)

One year later
ANY EMPLOYEE JOINING A UNION WILL BE SACKED

two years later
this old airline will not make it till the end of the year

Three years later
tycoon ( through a puppet minister)
This old airline will not be allowed to buy this other old airline; we have approved that only Mr tycoon can buy it, due to his commitment to local sports, and to his generosity (sic)

four years later (in the newspaper)
Mr Tycoon's airline LAST FLIGHT TOMORROW , leaving xx hundreds employees on the ground

Five years later on National media:

TYCOON IN HIDING?

Tycoon's attorney after Police finds him
NO COMMENT

For more comments or news about Mr Tycoon
Turn on your TV , worldwide.

Aviation comments
what goes up in the air , must come down .
It is the basic law of gravity.

Tycoon's daughter :
Who will marry me, now?