The in-house comedian supplied free to families
By Nury Vittachi
"Oh no," she cried. "I must have a really bad cold—both my noses are blocked."
I couldn’t help but laugh. And then I raced off to get our quotes book to write it down so that I could use it to embarrass her with in 20 years time when she has a PhD in nuclear physics and is trying to impress people.
Then there was the time she noticed a security guard at a store. "They have guards in shops to catch weightlifters," she explained in a serious voice.
Children really do say the funniest things. Here are some of my favourite child utterances, some from my family, some sent in by readers.
Dad: So what's your favourite food?
Child: Rice. You can eat it and the rest you just stick under the table.
Mum: What comes after eight?
Mum: Good. What comes after nine?
Mum: Excellent. What comes after ten?
Seven-year-old: Computers are for games. Except when Dad does them, then it’s called work.
Teacher: Now, children, this is the Bishop, the Very Reverend John Lee, who is visiting our school. Can anyone tell me what a bishop does?
Child: He moves diagonally.
Mum (to a child busily writing on a computer): What are you doing?
Child: Writing a story.
Mum: What's it about?
Child: I don't know. I can't read.
Teacher: What's the capital of France?
Small girl: Simon kissed me in the playground.
Mum: He did? How did that happen?
Small girl: Two girls helped me catch him.
Six-year-old: Confucius said lots of things that he did not actually say but no one minds. He still gets paid.
Six-year-old (as the donations bag is passed in church): You don't have to pay for me, Dad, I'm under seven.
Sunday school teacher: Can anyone tell me what Jesus' followers were called?
Child: The 12 decibels.
Sunday school teacher: What are the epistles?
Child: The wives of the apostles.
Dad: Do you know how to stop a nosebleed?
Child: Yes, you put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
Dad: Can you name the four seasons?
Child: Salt, pepper, ketchup and I forget the last one.
Sunday School teacher: Can I get into heaven by doing good works?
Sunday school teacher: So how do I get into heaven?
Child: You gotta be dead.
Melanie, aged five: How old are you, Granny?
Granny: I'm so old, child, that I don't even remember any more.
Melanie: You should look in the back of your knickers. Mine say: "Age 5 to 6".
Brittany, aged 4, was trying to open a medicine bottle to get her pill.
Brittany: I can't open it.
Mum: That bottle has a child-proof cap. I'll have to open it for you.
Brittany: (Intirgued) Oh. How did it know it was me?
DJ, aged four, stepped on the bathroom scale: "How much do I cost?"
I urge all parents to write down all the funny things your children say. When it's time for them to choose your nursing home, a little bit of blackmail might make all the difference.