Things kids say

The in-house comedian supplied free to families

By Nury Vittachi

*
My youngest child tried sniffing up one nostril. Then she tried the other.

                "Oh no," she cried. "I must have a really bad cold—both my noses are blocked."

                I couldn’t help but laugh. And then I raced off to get our quotes book to write it down so that I could use it to embarrass her with in 20 years time when she has a PhD in nuclear physics and is trying to impress people.

                 Then there was the time she noticed a security guard at a store. "They have guards in shops to catch weightlifters," she explained in a serious voice.
*
Children really do say the funniest things. Here are some of my favourite child utterances, some from my family, some sent in by readers.
*
Dad: So what's your favourite food?  
Child: Rice. You can eat it and the rest you just stick under the table.
*

Mum: What comes after eight?
                Child: Nine.

                Mum: Good. What comes after nine?

                Child: Ten.

                Mum: Excellent. What comes after ten?

                Child: Jack.

*
Seven-year-old: Computers are for games. Except when Dad does them, then it’s called work.
*
Teacher: Now, children, this is the Bishop, the Very Reverend John Lee, who is visiting our school. Can anyone tell me what a bishop does?

                Child: He moves diagonally.
*

 Mum (to a child busily writing on a computer): What are you doing?

                Child: Writing a story.

                Mum: What's it about?

                Child: I don't know. I can't read.
*

Teacher: What's the capital of France?

                Child: F.
*

Small girl: Simon kissed me in the playground.

                Mum: He did? How did that happen?

                Small girl: Two girls helped me catch him.
*

Six-year-old: Confucius said lots of things that he did not actually say but no one minds. He still gets paid.
*
Six-year-old (as the donations bag is passed in church): You don't have to pay for me, Dad, I'm under seven.
*

Sunday school teacher: Can anyone tell me what Jesus' followers were called?

                Child: The 12 decibels.

                Sunday school teacher: What are the epistles?

                Child: The wives of the apostles.
*

 Dad: Do you know how to stop a nosebleed?

                Child: Yes, you put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

*
Dad: Can you name the four seasons?

                Child: Salt, pepper, ketchup and I forget the last one.
*

Sunday School teacher: Can I get into heaven by doing good works?

                Child: No.

                Sunday school teacher: So how do I get into heaven?

                Child: You gotta be dead.
*
Melanie, aged five: How old are you, Granny?

Granny: I'm so old, child, that I don't even remember any more.

Melanie: You should look in the back of your knickers. Mine say: "Age 5 to 6".
*
Brittany, aged 4, was trying to open a medicine bottle to get her pill.

Brittany: I can't open it.

Mum: That bottle has a child-proof cap. I'll have to open it for you.

Brittany: (Intirgued) Oh. How did it know it was me?
*
DJ, aged four, stepped on the bathroom scale: "How much do I cost?"
*

 I urge all parents to write down all the funny things your children say. When it's time for them to choose your nursing home, a little bit of blackmail might make all the difference.

 

 

Comments

[Suki]

Hilarious :D

[Meg]

Great! Loved today's. Don't stop!!

[Alpha]

Four-year-old: Grandma, where is your daddy?
Grandma: He died already.
Four-year-old: Grandma, then where is your mummy?
Grandma: She also died.
Four-year-old: Why did they die?
Grandma: Because they were old, so they naturally died.
Four-year-old: Oh? But grandpa is old, why isn't he dead yet?

[godiva]

Children are really a wellspring of joy and wisdom. If we listened to them closely enough, we could learn a lot from them. This was well demonstrated in a now defunct (I think) TV show called Kids Say the Darndest Things.

Just today, I received an email entitled Letters to God – Through a Child’s Eyes. It contained a collection of letters from kids written in their childish scrawls, two of which are personal choices:

From Larry: “Dear God, maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother”

And from Jane “ Dear God, instead of letting people die and haveing to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you got now?”

I’m still not sure whether I’d like God to say “yes, good idea” to Jane…

[fardel]

As soon as I get a break I rush to pick up a burst of laughter from your funny column.
This time I got injured, falling off the chair, when I read the last line.
My doctor prescribed no laughing for the next 10 days.

[Adalina Lo]

This isn't directly translatable from Cantonese to English. I'll do my best.

Once upon a time, my grandmother and my cousin (aged 10 or so at the time) were arguing. Yes, the old woman argues with children with a seriousness and anger that adults normally reserve for each other.

So my cousin responds, "When you die, I won't burn the candles and paper money for you!" (gadgets for ancestor worship)

Imagine how the average Chinese grandparent would respond to such a threat! How unfilial and unmentionable!

My cousin won of course, followed by my grandmother's bitching to her sisters and any unfortunate passerby.

[fardel]

After second thought.Thanks for the tip,Nury.
I shall blackmail my daugther in my old days:When introduced ( 6 year old ) to a nice a lady I just met after my divorce:"Who are you AND what do you want?"
Please do not laugh!it is not funny!
That was 10 years ago .She gave me such a reputation ( here he comes, with his watchdog) that if I want to marry again , I shall to emigrate to a far away land.

[Nury]

Fardel, your daughter sounds really smart -- "Who are you and what do you want?" is, according to Freud, the two questions that all of us are working through in our lives!

Adalina -- wow, I guess that particular Cantonese tradition provides you with the ultimate revenge: not only will I be mean to you in this life, but I will make your life a misery in the after-life too...

[Mel]

Heard this from a friend,
Sunday School Teacher: Kids, for your homework this week, please draw any scene from the Bible.
The following week, the children submitted their drawings and 1 stood out.
Teacher: Kelly, you have drawn a picture of a plane with 3 adults and a baby. Which part of the bible did you get this from?
Kelly: Oh it's the flight to Egypt.
Teacher: (Looking puzzled) Then dear, please explain the 3 adults and the baby.
Kelly: Oh, that's Mary, Joseph & baby Jesus.
Teacher: And the 3rd person, who is that?
Kelly: (getting annoyed with the teacher's limited Bible knowledge) Teacher that is Pontius the Pilot!

[Vince A]

We taught our young children to pray each night before bed. One part of the Lord's Prayer goes: "And give us this day our daily bread".

Weeks later, after the prayer has become part of their routine, I noticed that my daughter didn't quite catch the right words.

Her version: "And give us this day our daily breath"

[rowena]

a good dose of a laughing pill after a very exhausting week. more power.

[Deepak]

This happened 3 years ago. My son, who was 5 year old then was running around the house, screaming and making loud noises, playing with his another friend.

Me: What are you doing my son?

Son: Dad, we are playing, don't you see?

Me: Playing? You don't have to scream and run and wake up the whole neighborhood. Why you have to scream?

Son: (With all seriousness personified) But dad, we are children! We play like this only.

I had no answer for that!

[Nury]

Deepak, your child is a GENIUS.

[R.V.Ramani]

Quite hilarious!!
RVR

[shawn]

good lord i died laughing reading this one
my son who is half thai says some of the strangest things because hes trying desperately to learn english to talk to me and thai to talk to his mom , and it comes out very very garbled but funny

[Leo]

Nury, check this one out:
(Chinese to English)

6 yrs old kid: Dad, buy me that.
Dad: No, I bought you a toy the day before.
6 yrs old kid: Dad, if you don't, I am not to going to let you kiss-kiss!!
Dad: What the? No, I still won't buy you that toy.
6 yrs old kid: Why did it work for mom... Mom got 2 diamond rings in 3 days, that's not fair!!!

[Chamin]

These are from My nephew and niece.

1. I was calling home, a day after I left the country for the first time and landed in Singapore. My then 4-year old nephew wanted to talk to me.

Nephew: are you still in that plane?
Me: no, I landed.
Nehpew: then why can't you come home?

2. A question from my 5 year-old niece.

Niece: Why are our arms and legs hanging down from the body while only the head is sticking up from it?

I think I gave a reasonable answer, but I'm sure you guys have really good answers to that question.