By Nury Vittachi
The phrase generation gap may have been coined in the West, but the concept itself has been perfected in the east—or so I heard from some single Asian guys I was chatting with in a bar. Here’s a typical phone conversation from a modern Asian family.
Son: Hi Mom. I won’t be home for dinner tonight. I’m going out.
Asian Mother: Out? Who with?
Son: Just a friend.
Asian Mother: Fine, fine. You prefer slutty girls to the nice ones I choose for you.
Son: I’m not going out with slutty girls. I’m going out with a guy called Lee from work.
Asian Mother: So he can introduce you to slutty girls, I know this sort of man.
Son: He is not going to introduce me to any girls. He doesn’t know any. He’s a total geek.
Asian Mother: So now you prefer gay men to nice girls?
Son: He’s not gay. Lots of guys like computers.
Asian Mother: Only gay ones. I’m a mother. I know.
Son: Look, we’re just going to Tech City Mall to check out new computer games.
Asian Mother: Tech City Mall? There are girls there?
Son: It’s a computer arcade. It’s mostly guys—there are hardly any girls there.
Son: That’s not what I said
Asian Mother: You said a few girls hang around in a place for men. They can only be slutty girls.
Son: Mama, we’re just buying software. Games.
Asian Mother: I’ve seen these games. This Tomb Raider woman with the big chests. You prefer her to nice real life girls I choose for you. Can computer-game women provide an heir for me, I mean, you? What’s wrong with cousin Deirdre’s daughter
Son: There’s nothing wrong with Deirdre’s daughter. I’m not ready to marry anyone just yet. When the time comes I’ll marry someone, who may or may not be Deirdre’s daughter. Okay?
Asian Mother: Ah, so you are already considering possible dates for marriage. That’s good. The first week of December is auspicious. I’ll give Deirdre a call, see if it suits the family.
Son: NO! I didn’t say I would marry her. I said I might.
Asian Mother: I will make necessary bookings, just in case.
Son: Goodbye, mama.
Asian Mother: Wait. When are you bringing Lee home?
Son: I'm not bringing Lee home.
Asian Mother: You are refusing to introduce an employed, unmarried male to your own sister?
Son: You just said Lee was gay.
Asian Mother: Yes. Until he sees your sister.
Son: She’s only nine.
Asian Mother: We need to start somewhere. These days young people take time. Especially if she has to convert him.
Son: She doesn’t have to convert him. He’s not gay.
Asian Mother: Even better. Save time and effort. But first I need to phone your boss and get Lee’s salary estimate and career prospects.
Son: No. Please don’t do that.
Asian Mother: If he is going to join the family we need basic informations…
Son: Look, never mind. I think I’ll just come straight home after work tonight.
Asian Mother: Fine. I invite Deirdre and her daughter. After all, you are a young, single man. You know what is your problem? You need more social life.
(Illustration: Joi/ Flickr/ Creative Commons)