Vegetable bras and other swell ideas

Cabbage leaf bikinis and the advance of science

By Nury Vittachi

*

A reader named The Fly wrote to ask: “How it was first discovered that a cabbage leaf bikini relieved nipple soreness for breastfeeding mothers?”

                Amazingly, I have never been asked this question. Nor did I have an answer, cabbage leaf bikinis being totally absent from my wardrobe (shameful, I know). 

I consulted a nursing mother. Did she favour cabbage leaves next to the skin on her upper body?

“Oh yes, definitely,” she said. “I wear chilled cabbage leaves in my bra two or three times a day. I was advised to do this by a friend, who said I would feel great. It really works. You should try it.”

I politely declined.

But this incident showed me just how little each sex knows about the other. It is hard to believe I have lived so many years without the slightest suspicion that women wore vegetables in their bras. What an innocent!

               That evening, I asked a doctor I met at a party whether men should wear cabbage leaves inside their underpants. He just gave me a strange look and hurried away. (But then I have this effect on people.)

                But you know what? When totally unexpected discoveries are made, it gives us a peek at the scientific processes that one has to go through to make significant progress. 

                Clearly, some scientist must have spent years inserting a wide variety of vegetables into women’s bras to see which ones had a positive effect, and if so, what.

                I wish I knew more details. Did he limit himself to vegetables, or did he try other foodstuffs as well? Steak? Blancmange? Thick-cut marmalade? How about noodles? I kind of like the thought of trying noodles for this purpose. At least it would be soft and comfortable, and it would leave your breasts smelling toothsome—which cannot be said for cabbage leaves.   

                He probably had massive charts of foodstuffs and women and their feelings. And then one day, he notices a positive correlation between nursing mothers and cabbage leaves and a major breakthrough is achieved.

All this leads to an extremely important question for the scientific community: how does one get a job like that, and how much would I have to pay?

Ever since I wrote about weasel-poop coffee (a drink made from beans that have been pre-digested by a species of Asian jungle cat), readers have been writing to me about unexpected discoveries with inexplicable histories.

Contraceptive tablets crumbled into your houseplants cause them to flourish, I hear from reader Rika Nauck. Who discovered this? Two guilty hyacinths trying to hide their illicit relationship? They must have got a shock.

                What about cigarettes? Somebody must have made a decision: “What shall I do today? I think I will put a tube of dried leaves in my mouth and set fire to it.”

                One wonders what other similarly wacky experiments this same guy did. “Now I think I will dip my head in cooking oil and set fire to it.”

                And who ate the first oyster? “Hmm, where shall I put this disgusting-looking, mucus-like thing I found in this brackish water? I know: in my mouth.”

                What this proves is that most important human discoveries are actually made by people who are at least slightly mad, if not completely round the bend.

There’s hope for all of us.
*

(Illustration: PETA and Alicia Mayer)

Comments

[fardel]

What does the study say about this experiment :what would taste better , the leaves or......?
Do you need an assistant?

[godiva]

my theory on this.. there was this cross-dresser gay (who hadn’t a silicon injection yet), who went to a party. He put on bra but needed it to look full, so he halved a cabbage and the rest is history…

[Saina]

Not a bad idea having wearable vegetables. They will be free of chemicals, they will be organic and biodegradable. Kindly put cabbage bras into general production.
In the meantime I am tempted to check out this theory by rubbing my salad on my breasts tonight.

[Vince A]

And of course there was the gal who one day, a long long time ago, decided to peel the husk off by hand, one-by-one, from 4,000 individual grains of rice to make the very first bowl of rice.

The Western expression: 'the best thing since sliced bread' shows how soft life is in the West. How unbearable life must have been back then, to have to pick up a knife and slice bread.

We Asians are less appreciative, otherwise we would have something like: 'the best thing since the rice huller'

[khirsah]

If Newton is behaving like any good nerdy boys these days, he would have given the apple to his teacher or simply ate it....pah! wat gravity?!?!

[karuna]

Khirsah
How many children these days, get a chance to sit under any tree, leave alone under an apple tree.
Should ask my son's school here in Hong kong to include it in their curriculum.
Today's class activity:
Activity #2 . Sit under a tree

The one before that would be

Activity #1. Find a tree.

Karuna

[tamanna obyed]

yeh true karuna.

and no wonder the price of vegetables is rising day by day!
this article has inspired me not to eat vegetables.specially cabbage.

[khirsah]

Hi Karuna,

Precisely! How many children actually get the luxury to explore, experiment and inquire? Most will probably be burying their heads in heaps of books, dictated by the education system as "must know facts", score in their exams, come to society as "intellects" and then engage consultants to con and insult them.

Oops, I'm taking a bit of serious tone here... sorry, Nury. My point is, I think we might be better off with a few more "nut cases" in order to make more great discoveries. :p

[fardel]

Really?there is no tree left in Hong Kong ?Is is no surprise if ants live on the 18 floor.
Talking about kids:a teacher I was working with, asked students to describe veal;
Out of 20kids, 15 described veal as being flat, pink, soft,wrapped in a foam tray , covered with clear wrap paper , and well lined up on the shelves of European supermarkets;
Each text would fill at at least a full page.
Those kids were so intellignet that they must be now in the news business; unless they are government officials.

[coach purse]

There’s a place in your heart and I know that it is love. This place could be much brighter than tomorrow and if you really try You’ll find there’s no need to cry.

[Chantelle bras]

Since commercial production of F, hybrid seed in vegetable bras- sicas including broccoli depends on crossing together two inbred lines.