The hidden rules of modern life
By Nury Vittachi
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Waiting for ages at a bus stop in a rainstorm the other day, I realized that all transport systems are governed by a network of hidden laws, such as: “If it’s raining, cold or both, the bus will be late.”
And as soon as I abandoned my wait and marched off, another rule of life came into play: “Buses hide around corners until you start walking home—at which point they roar past you, laughing.”
On the subject of transport, a reader from London noticed a truism about his city’s railways: “Your train always leaves late, except for the time you desperately need it to.”
And there was a night-owl friend of mine whose life was ruined by a rule which said: “The last train has always left the station two minutes ago, whenever you arrive at the station.”
Meanwhile, here’s one for people who travel by taxi: “The days you have no change, neither does the taxi driver.”
Readers sent in loads of rules for modern life, inspired by our previous collection, so here are the 12 best ones (with thanks to Nainil Shah, Dave King, Rika, Wendy Tong and others):
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1. Dipping your hands into any yucky substance will immediately cause your nose to itch.
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2. Letting any mechanical object know that you are in a hurry is a mistake.
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3. The probability of meeting someone you know increases exponentially when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
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4. People with seats furthest from the aisle in the theatre arrive last.
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5. Fed up with getting busy signals? Simply dial a wrong number, for they are never engaged.
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6. The severity of an itch correlates exactly with its inaccessibility.
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7. When a job is 90 per cent complete, the most difficult half is still ahead of you.
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8. Everybody wants to lend you money, until the time comes when you need to borrow some.
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9. Junk mail filters let every piece of spam sail past but will energetically shoot down the urgent email from your client.
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10. Pimples know your social calendar and hide beneath your skin, ready to burst out at major life events such as prom nights, graduations and weddings.
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11. Spiders enter houses when husbands go on business trips.
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12. Any contact between the human body and hot water will cause the telephone to ring.
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And while we are in a philosophical mood, reader Dave King also sent in these unanswerable questions, source unknown.
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1. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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2. Why do people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake and cry every two hours?
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3. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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4. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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5. Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
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6. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns toast black?
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7. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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8. If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to buy all that ACME junk, why doesn’t he just buy dinner?
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I guess what this all proves is the truth of Bertie Wooster’s dictum: “Life. There’s really nothing quite like it.”
