India moonward bound

Where the Asian space race is really headed

By Nury Vittachi

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Why did India’s first space rocket recently blast off with no people on board? It was just a test run. The country’s next space flight WILL carry human beings, although it may not be a smooth ride. I can reveal full details in this exclusive report from the future:

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An Indian manned space mission to the moon ran into trouble yesterday when a mystery explosion rocked the capsule. “Delhi, I am thinking we are having a problem,” said senior astronaut Ashok Kumar.

On Earth, the head of Mission Control rocked his head diagonally and replied: “Achcha.”

Experts at Mission Control, an open-air stall in a crowded bazaar in Old Delhi, gathered around tumblers of milky tea to discuss the problem.

“We have narrowed it down to one of three things,” said Hankipank Navjot, chief spokeswoman for the Asian Superpowers Space Exploration Society (ASSES).

• Theory one:  A package of extra-spicy chili sambol smuggled on board exploded.

• Theory two: A tandoor oven smuggled on board exploded.

• Theory three: A double-hot vindaloo eaten to celebrate a successful take-off caused an explosion from the nether regions of a crew member.

Critics castigated the Indian authorities for allowing astronauts to take unlisted items onto the craft.

“It wasn’t our fault,” countered Ms Navjot. “They brought huge families with them. While we were unloading relatives, they slipped sundry items on board, including foodstuffs and several household appliances, including a portable tandoor, two peons and a punkah-wallah.”

Reached by satellite phone, senior astronaut Ashok Kumar maintained that he and his men had a right to eat what they liked. “We’re Indians – it is our basic human right to eat food spicy enough to blow our heads off,” he said.

Asked about the presence of servants on the craft, Kumar replied irritably: “We have reached the stars, we are pinnacle of society, you expect us to live without staff? Aiyo, man.”
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Space-watchers say the main difference between this incident and the 1970 Apollo 13 explosion is that there has been no panic. Delhi’s Mission Control staff, all of whom are government workers, knocked off work as usual at 4.30 pm.

“In India, we can take a 1940 Morris Minor car and keep it going for 70 years using only common household items such as ghee and stockings,” said Ms Navjot. “Our astronauts are needing to keep their spacecraft going for one week only. They’ll be fine.”

True to her prediction, news almost immediately emerged that Ashok Kumar’s peon had managed to fix the spacecraft by fashioning a patch made of poppadums and tikka masala sauce.

A spacewalk is expected to go ahead as planned, although one member of the crew is arguing that he doesn’t need to wear a space helmet as he has a turban.
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Meanwhile, there has been much discussion at the United Nations about what the Indians plan to do when they get to the moon.

Concern has centered around leaked documents which showed that they intended to mine the moon for a rare substance known as “isotope curranium 235”. US intelligent experts believe it is a highly addictive substance that has made curry the most popular food on planet earth. Spectrographic analysis showed the moon has significant curranium deposits.

The mission’s slogan is: “One small snack for a man, one giant biriyani for mankind.”

Comments

[raj]

being an indian, i can say
that was best article on indian mentality.
- everything happens in india is nothing but miracle (when india is occupied with so many problems)

[fardel]

Nury !You are defffiiniiteeely not serious!
Once more ,one has to tell the truth about Space race.
Indians have the best technology, matched by the best space scientists one can have ,at the cost of a western bus driver;
Bankrupt nations will be using space rockets to send their outcast financers, future ex presidents and so on,(like Europeans did in the XVIII century to settle the "New World") to settle the new "New World".
Rocks from the moon will reach high values.
Financers will then take over ;
they will sell moon property at low interest rates
Because of the costs of transportation to the moon , only the richest will be going , leaving the poor ones ( us, in this scenario) on planet Earth.
Over there , they will huff and puff to impress Rika in their short pants (oops, Sorry, Rika, you are staying with us);
The bosses of bankrupt airlines will recycle their old cargo planes to bring back the rocks, and send more rich people out
A new cycle starts again.....
Wait a minute!
Hold on!!!!
I got it!
I started to read your stories a while ago !!!
Mundane talk , you say! but my.... my ...
Everything is clear now!!!
financial crises!!!!!
flight to space (India, China...;
Jogging with financers .....
raising ants on 18th floor !!
practicing zero gravity on cows!!!!!
Meeting with Computers gurus......

You smart .... !!!!!!
You are the mastermind behind the WHOLE MESS!!!!!!
You are in for trouble ....Mister

[karuna]

Nury...you are the best !

[laughing girl]

Nice to see a bit of South Asian humor.... its surprising how rare it is to see any sort of humor from Asia... i hope we hear more about the Asian Superpowers space exploration society!

[Vince A]

I heard that due to the rampant smuggling of relatives and curranium, India operates the only rocket launch centre with an Immigration and Customs counter.

[Rika]

I'm pretty sure the Indians were on the moon already - just using turban and spices to fuel explosions from the nether regions of the astronauts. All it needs is a backback with enough food for the journey up and back again.

The only reason why nobody realised so far is that when asked if having been on the moon the Indians shake their heads to say: Yes! What from the rest of the world gets misunderstood as 'No'

So Westerners lost interest and the Indians got frustrated that nobody cares a toss, hence now trying it the traditional way using a rocket and announcing it in the news.

[Lasse]

Interesting that making fun of India's space mission just elicits positive remarks from Indians, they clearly have a good sense of humor. But I notice you didn't make fun of China's recent space mission. They are very sensitive about national pride and would not have got the joke.
And I must admit. Your vision of the personality of Indians in space rings true, how relaxed and resourceful they are, and how their main interests are family and food. These are really quite positive messages.

[Christyn]

Nepal will be going to space soon also whether it's by excess consumtpion of rice wine or celebrating shivaratri (otherwise known as marijuan-nesday)everyday. In the last decade, we invented the pressure cooker bomb or stole the idea from Mdm India next door. Again. I mean, its not like anyone's going to receive a prize for reaching the space 1st so it's perfectly ok to be the last. We excel in that. Hey, we got the tallest mountain, ok, if it not debated at times that it might belong to Tibet. Whatever.