All rather taxing

Time to return to the simplest tax system of all

By Nury Vittachi

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With the financial crisis in full flow, we’re going to talk about money. Our topic today, boys and girls, is “tax and tax-collectors”.

              The word “tax” comes from the word “attacks”, and refers to what tax-collectors do to taxpayers. They attack us and take our money.

                Now I know what you’re thinking. Isn’t it against the law to attack people and take their money?

                Yes it is—but it all depends on the weapon. If you use a gun to relieve someone of their money, you are classified as a robber, and end up in jail.

However, if you thrust a form at people, you are classified as a tax-collector, and you receive an office, a fat salary, a team of personal assistants, and a nasty nasty gleam in your eye.

                The earliest recorded tax policy was written by a man called Joseph in Egypt three thousand years ago and was just one sentence long: “When the crop cometh in, a fifth part must be given unto Pharaoh.”

                Unfortunately, his spiritual descendants made it more and more complicated until you get to the current situation where doing your tax paperwork takes so long you are left with no time in which to earn any money. If this happens, the entire financial system grinds to a halt, and tax collectors dance in the streets.

                For believe me, this is war.

                I had a friend once who worked for an inland revenue department. He was completely devoted to relieving people of money they earned. His motto was:  “We are living in a free society. Everyone has the freedom to become a taxpayer.”

                He and his bosses used to sit around thinking up new taxes which they would list on a whiteboard under the title “capital punishments” (get it?).

                When we went out to social events, he would never tell people what he did until the very end of the evening. “In Asia, people always boast about how much money they make,” he would snigger on the way home. “And then you tell them you’re a tax collector and they suddenly become incredibly modest about their earnings.”

                I once asked him for some unofficial tax advice. He looked at my bank statements and shook his head. “You earn too much to escape being hit with tax bills, but too little to have anything left over to pay them with them,” he said. “You’re totally stuffed.”

               But I don’t mind paying tax. It’s the paperwork I hate. Can we not be more creative about taxes? I’d like to point out that over the years there have been many examples of innovative schemes used in place of income tax.

                In Russia, Peter the Great instituted a tax on beards.

                In the UK, William Pitt the Younger implemented a tax on windows.

                In Rome, Emperor Vespasian introduced a tax on urine.

                In Tennessee in the United States, a tax was instituted on lawsuits.

                So there’s definitely a precedent for getting rid of all the receipts and stuff. In many countries in the world, people are campaigning to simplify the tax system, so that all the rules are thrown out, and everyone pays the same flat rate. Which of course was Joseph’s original idea three thousand years ago.

                In his honour, this year I will pay my tax entirely in corn.
               

Comments

[vickna]

hahahhahha!!! i might actually be doing just that this year...

[Bharat]

Hey Nury I am laughing reading your tax article, a very refreshing one. Despite living in a land of no taxes (Dubai)- a third kind of taxes exists here - that through price regulation!

[Beancounter]

One day the tax systems of Dubai and Hong Kong will be adopted all around the world as the models we should follow, clear and simple. But until that day, I find it amusing that the richest countries are the ones with the most labour intensive tax systems, USA and Germany.

[Rika]

Oh, tell me about it! I had the pleasure to live together for about a week with a husband who looked like a broom from all this hair tearing and dust from digging through age old papers. And this moaning and huffing and puffing... Imagine: living in England but still having bits and pieces in Germany and now the rules between countries have changed....
Not a nice sight, not nice at all...
I definitely will firstly suggest the payment in corn and secondly a move to Dubai! It's warmer there anyway.

[fardel]

I read about a guy who paid with ten thousand five-cents coins.
it could not be refused, takes weeks to count;
He got his revenge,and became the tax collectors's nightmare

[Jay]

You obviously didn't hear about the New Simplified Tax Form Nury. Comes with only 2 sentences.

1. How much money did you make last year?
2. Send it to us.