I got the public speaking blues

How not to introduce a speaker, human or otherwise

By Nury Vittachi

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These days, everyone is a public speaker. There are now more Lions Clubs, Rotary Clubs, Ladies’ Circles, et cetera on this planet than there are people. So speaking invitations routinely go to all members of the human race plus a smattering of the more intelligent household pets.

               But whatever it is, there is one thing that you can depend on. You will be introduced by a human being with a brain the approximate weight and volume of a sesame seed.

I know about these things. Somewhere on earth there is an “Institute of Introducers” at which citizens have all detectable grey matter surgically removed. They are then released back into the wild as certified Masters of Ceremonies.

                Minutes before I was due to give a talk last week, the introducer rushed up to me and said: “I need to check your details.”

What this means is: “I’ve done no preparation and have no idea who you are.”

                How to reply? Should one tell the truth? “I’ve been invited to speak because I am intelligent, charming and well-informed, not to mention the single humblest human being who ever lived.”

                The trouble is that it is difficult to make such claims about oneself unless one is a totally self-obsessed egotist, or a senior Malaysian politician (yes, I know that’s tautology).

                So I decided to be self-deprecating: “Oh, I’m a complete nobody really, and I have no idea why I have been invited to speak. Don’t worry—I won’t talk for long, ha ha.”

                Well, lo and behold, that’s exactly what she told everyone: “Okay, sorry to interrupt the fun, but it’s time for the speaker. He’s the first to admit that he’s not exactly famous or anything, but he’s promised to be quick, so we can get on to the really important part of the evening, dessert and the raffle.”

                This introduction produced a general groan and the audience sneaked out to chat in the corridor.

                A few days later, I found myself in a similar situation. A Master of Ceremonies, with the mental capacity of an unusually dull kidney bean, raced up and told me she wanted to “check your details”.

                I gave her a printed list of glowing tributes to myself, each one carefully balanced by self-effacing humour: “He is the top-selling author in the city—but also the only author in the city! He gets more letters than any journalist in Asia—but unfortunately half of them are lawsuits! He is worshipped by women—but only those in his own household! He is incredibly good-looking—but only according to his friends at the Institute for the Blind!”

                Anyway, she got up on stage, peered at the piece of paper—and then decided to read out only the first half of each sentence: “Our speaker claims to be the best-selling author in the city. He says he gets more mail than any other journalist in Asia. He reckons he is worshipped by women. He is convinced he is incredibly good looking. Anyway, that’s how he told me he wanted to be introduced.”

                At this point, the audience decided that I was not just a jerk but such a raving egomaniac that I was dangerous to be in the room with. As one, they raced onto the balcony to smoke, drink and chat instead.

                Okay, Rotarians, next time I’m sending a household pet.
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(Illustration courtesy of Florida Centre for Educational Technology)

Comments

[Ricardo Cabeza]

Some years ago I arrived in Newcastle upon Tyne off an overnight flight from Hong Kong, connecting in London. As soon as I arrived in the office I was visiting, I was told I was to attend the annual dinner of the north-eastern region of the Institution of Mechanical Engineers that evening.
Some hours later I found myself, dinner-jacketed, seated at a round dinner table with assorted worthies; university professors, senior people in local industry, etc. The first thing said to me after the introductions was, "Alright, get your pound in."
To pass a dull evening of speeches, these pillars of the community had organised a pool on how long the speeches would take and everyone was to put in a pound.
It certainly did much to enliven the evening, which was even more enlivened when one of the speakers started off by saying that she would try not to spoil the result of the pool by running on too long.
One shouldn't take these things seriously.

[public speaking tips]

hi,

thank you for the feast of tips that surely will bear fruit when it comes to speaking in public.

[isman]

I once got introduced by an MC who actually read a piece of paper on the stage and didn't believe it. "Our next speaker is a... humor writer?" And then he had to do a double take at me, as if to make sure I'd put on something like a donkey hat.

[Quentin]

Nury, as President of the Rotary Club of Darwin Sunrise you're always welcome as a speaker, and I'll introduce you any way you want. There is a chance that half our club may appear comatose - this is normal, but at least they'll stay in the room while you're speaking!

[TOBI DOERINGER]

Dear Mr. Vittachi,

I have actively ignored your column since I came across this one several months ago. Before that I held you in quite high esteem, especially after the interesting speech you held in promotion of one of your books a few years back at the GIC AGM. If you introduce yourself as above, what do you expect? Even a humorist can not only give, but also has to be able to receive and reap what he has sewn. Rather than mention what good things that organizations like Rotary – for those interested please visit www.rotary.org – do, you decide to put them down. I can not see how this can make you a man of stature in any sense.

TOBI DOERINGER
Past President
Rotary Club of Hong Kong South

[C_K]

Lighten up Tobi. My message to other readers is that Rotarians are mostly not like Mr Doeringer above, they are more like Quentin, also quoted above. We are self-deprecating and we DO have a sense of humor!!

Vittachi is not attacking the rotary organization. He is simply saying that people who do a lot of public speaking, like he does, are often introduced extremely badly. Ionly do public speaking myself abotu twice a year but i agree with him. I was once introdced by someone who clearly had looked up a different person of the same name on the internet!!!

And to prove that we can be selfdeprecating, i actually did the same thing myself once!!

[Nury]

Dear Mr Doeringer, thanks for your note, and sorry if I upset you. No offence intended.
What is GIC? I wonder if you are thinking of someone else. I don't do "book promotion" talks, except possibly at literary festivals. I usually talk about the news, or the lighter side of business in Asia, or something like that.
Thanks for your suggestion that I write about the good things that Rotary does. I agree that it does lots of good things. However, this (a daily humor diary) is probably not the place to list them. if you have a funny anecdote about a Rotary event, that might be suitable.
To be entirely fair, I am happy to admit that I have spoken many times at Rotary club meetings, and the general standard of introductions is higher than the norm -- although there have been exceptions.
So well done, you and your fine teammates. The Rotary Club is a fabulous organization.I was once awarded a Paul Harris medal from the Rotary Club in HK and was thrilled to bits. Everyone: Support Your Local Rotary!

[TOBI DOERINGER]

Dear Nury,

GIC is the German International Chamber. We are still not very good at PR in Rotary, I must admit. The Standard is a 'free newspaper' and this article may be read by a lot of people that may not have known about Rotary before and gotten a negative view of Rotary. I understand the text 'between' the lines as well, as noted by CK anonymus(?). I know you do a lot of good work for good causes as well - thank you!

TOBI

[No name]

Sewn = stitches
Sown = "Reap what you sow."
Hmm, I wonder if the difference matters.