Make them a bit scarier, please

Fani, Bubul and Titli are girls you really don’t want to get to know

By Nury Vittachi

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Every time the wet season comes, I ask myself the same question. Why are the largest, most terrifying things on the planet given the sweetest, cutest names?

No, I am not talking about Naomi Campbell’s ego. I’m talking about things which are even more frightening—but okay, maybe not quite as large. I refer to typhoons and hurricanes.

Now I flatly refuse to blame those poor people who declined to get out of the way of Hurricane Katrina. I mean, the name Katrina conjures up an image of a cute, frilly, skipping, 20-kilo girly bundle of ribbons and curls. Had they called it Hurricane Deathbringer or Planetcrusher or Killermonster people may have paid attention.

And look at the names of the typhoons that hit Myanmar and Hong Kong recently. Nargis sounds like a Buckingham Palace dog. Fengshan sounds like a Sichuan restaurant. There was even the name Nuri nominated for a typhoon in Asia last year. What more cute, adorable name is there on the planet? Not that I’m biased.

No, the only way the authorities can get people to take typhoons seriously is to give them horror-inspiring names. Such as “Mrs Niblet”, for example. Mrs Niblet was the strictest teacher at my primary school, and even now, several decades later, any word that sounds remotely like her name (giblet, tablet, nibble, goblet) sends me gibbering under the table (from where I will write the rest of this column). Mrs Niblet was an elderly, Gestapo-trained supply teacher who moved from school to school, so there are probably generations of people across many cities who feel the same as I do.

                I’m told that the tradition of giving typhoons cute female names came from the days when meteorological experts were all guys and it was okay to make jokes suggesting that twisters and women had identical characteristics: both were unpredictable, irrational, and could rip up tall buildings and throw them across the city. (This certainly sums up the women in my life.)

                But now men are rightly prevented from making such discriminatory gags, because in these days of equality it is no longer acceptable to demean any tropical cyclones.

                So the rules have been changed. Now different countries are allowed to nominate names of either sex for storms.

                And what do we choose? We still have a load of girly monikers coming up.

                Bangladesh has nominated Nisha, Helen and Fani. Pakistan has nominated Bulbul and Titli. Sri Lanka has nominated Abe and Priya. Laos has nominated Leepi and Phanphone, which sounds to me like a telecoms brand.

                You’d think that the Philippines, which gets some of the deadliest typhoons, would give them suitably violent names, but no. They’ve nominated Nina, Kiko, Henry, Ramon, Queenie, Jerome and Felipe (if there is a wimpier, more delicate name on this planet than Felipe, I would like to hear it).

                The United States has learned nothing from mis-naming Katrina, and have decreed that their country’s first storm in the summer of 2012 will be called Hurricane Bud.

But the prize for silliest name for a killer storm should go to Hawaii. They’ve nominated the name Hurricane Lala. Yo, Hawaiians: listen up good. The weather angels, known for their sense of irony, are going to getcha for that one.

It will be horror beyond imagination. Those of us taught by Mrs Niblet know what that means.
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(image: Nature Explorer/ Creative Commons)

Comments

[catterpillarboy]

It'd be cool if they at least named hurricanes like they name US military missions...I mean Operation Impending Freedom of some other nonsense...

[Jayesh]

Wasn't Nargis an Indian actress?

[Nury]

Nargis is a fairly common name in India, and there are certainly actresses with that name--but none of them are scary and lethal and city-destroying like the typhoons I have survived (or the women I have survived, come to think of it)

[Mahboob Hossain]

Nargis is not only an indian female actress, it is a very common female name in the subcontinent, definitely doesnt sound like Buckingham Palace dog to me. But regarding cyclones having female names, we should ask this question to French Speakers, as they term all objects on planet earth either as female or male, so is cyclone female to them, and the rest of the world following that??

[fardel]

No ,the French did not name the hurricanes /typhoons by girls names; check across the Channel river with the British: they refer to their cars, their airplanes , and boats by using "she"or " her".
They must be the ones who started it.

But the typhoons are capable to feminine fury;
i should know
I survived eight hurricanes and three marriages

[eleanor rose]

am wondering if sharukh or amitabachan will be the next name's candidate for the next typhoon in india?

and why not, Muscular Hurricane or Orgasmic Hurricane since it's big and shakin?

[Nury]

Fardel -- you survived eight hurricanes and three marriages?! Which were more deadly? Did they all blow your roof off and your possessions out of the windows?

[fardel]

The first one , Luis , (4)Category four to five did.( a wind speed indicator was destroyed , reading 260 MPH)
A piece of wood ,hit the window, with was blown into the house , with a piece of the wall , supposed to hold the window,then a vacuum cleaner sucked out everything from the office,except the phone ( the wall did not want to let it go);then it was the living room, then the bedroom;of course the doors and window went as well.(exactly like in those airplane movies , when the passengers are sucked out of the flight)
we ended up ,four of us in the bathroom, with the fridge, the stove, pillows and raincoat, and food ; this hurricnae sat on us for 36 hours,1400 boats were destroyed 90 % of houses were destroyed, some of them torn off the ground;
As for human loss ,officillay 2 and three , but we think that official had lost their counting capability in the weather, forgetting zeros to theirfigures;
One week later , Marilyn (3)visited us, finishing off what Luis had forgotten.
The island economy ( tourism only) started to pick up in June 96, to be dealt a blow by Bertha (at3)in July, then, there was José(cat3), George(cat3), Debby (cat3) ,Lenny (cat3) ,Omar(cat3) , Frances(cat1 ) then I forgot one , but it brought only floods with no loss of life
Of course , here we are counting only the ones which did some serious damage;
For marriages, it is mostly internal damage, it cannot be evaluated,the furniture had already taken off by themselves in weather
But to make the long story short, I am as rich and as free as I was at age 20 ;And that's the good part,
I still have a life, a passport and last but not least a 16 years old daughter,(that's the tough, but sometimes very funny part)
The difficulty is to prevent her from turning into a hurricane;
Do you have the receipe, anyone?

[karuna]

Fardel, interesting to read about someone on the other side of the world.
what kind of job or work do you do ?

[fardel]

It depends on the weather, barometic pressure, financial crisis, and worldwide politics ;, and most important , it depends if all butterlies in china fly at the same time or not.
I had a flight school until after Luis, and I am station manager for a small airline , but I also push luggage carts , to keep in shape .
I produce aviation memorabilia, and train young people to the ground job for airline operations. (I gave up flight training last year ) it was getting dangerous:I was so good that after one hours' briefing , for their first flight,my students could take off , fly maneuvers by themselves. The problem is that they were screaming when about to land, I did not teach it to them yet , and i was sound asleep.
I live in a small ,very small Caribbean island

[Gina]

Nargis is my mother's name...

[Uli]

Fardel, that sounds like a very colourful life! I love gliding btw. :-)))

[Ecotech]

Nury, i like you! I like your style of writing. Where did you learn how to write like that? Your post made smile and laugh inside. Thank you. I only have one line for those kind of typhoon - "Welcome to Life!". By the way, can you give Mrs. Niblet a chance to change - from typhoon to fresh showers of rain? :-)

[Hong wai yat]

I guess it would make those people who evacuated their homes less panicky , They would go " oh dear , nina is coming , its time we get to grandpa's house ... "

[fardel]

I found out lately why girls' names were given to hurricane:
They come wet and wild and they leave with the house and the car

[Sara L]

good one fardel!!!! lol

[Angela]

Is someone speaking from his personal experience? :)

Remember the French saying, don't be like a broken glass...

Bonjour!

[duskfading]

Yup! The Philippines experiences the deadliest of typhoons. And the recent deadly ones are named ONDOY and PEPENG.
My gahd... how could the names be more pathetic! I would name Ondoy SOUL REAPER, and Pepeng BONECRUSHER.

Thumbs up, Nury!

http://duskfading.wordpress.com/2009/10/25/postmortems/

[grandpa]

This is what happens when a maid is too energetic in sweeping off the dust.;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8W4Cx44XKZ4&feature=topvideos_news