Before and after families

A sentimental journey to the land of BF
By Nury Vittachi

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You know the terms BC and AD? Well, I would like to propose that new terms are introduced for a similarly dramatic historical event—but which only applies to people who have had children: B.F. and A.F.: Before Family and After Family.

Somewhere in my personal journey, I acquired a spouse and some children: and everything changed: my habits, my values, my way of life, and—most dramatic of all—the acreage of bags under my eyes.

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Before Family: A lie-in is when you stay in bed until noon
                After Family: A lie-in is when you stay in bed until seven am
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Before Family: A “short-break getaway” is a long weekend in a sun-soaked Thai resort.

After Family:  A “short-break getaway” is five minutes in the only toilet in the apartment with a still-working lock.

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Before Family: Gastronomic ecstasy means sampling recipes in the new Nigella Lawson cookbook.

After Family: Gastronomic ecstasy is when you manage to persuade a child to consume a piece of broccoli.

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Before Family: The perfect floor covering is imported hardwood maple planking in a satin-wax finish.

After Family: The perfect floor covering is pink and blue squares of textured rubber.

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Before Family: The ideal wardrobe is a range of elegant black outfits from Armani or Zara.

After Family: The ideal wardrobe is a range of factory outlet rejects that you can throw away after they acquire too many vomit stains.

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Before Family: The pinnacle of cinematic entertainment is Blade Runner: The Director’s Cut.

After Family: The pinnacle of cinematic entertainment is The Lion King, which actually moves you to tears.

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Before Family: The best summer vacation destination is an unspoiled tract of coastal wilderness far from civilization.

After Family: The best summer vacation destination is anywhere which has sterilized water, french fries and Pampers, oh, and a McDonald’s and a Starbucks, and—blow it, let’s just stay at home.

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Before Family: You thought you needed space, time and peace to work.

After Family: You discover you can type perfectly well with one child on your lap, another wrapped around your leg, and the third watching Barney videos at full volume one and a half metres away.

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Before Family: You thought the finest furniture was Philippe Starke designs in minimalist industrial chrome and leather.

After Family: You know the finest furniture is a big ugly sofa that can absorb orange juice, urine and milk, and double as a scratching board for the cat.

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Before Family: You thought your dream car would be a hand-built Morgan Aero 8 convertible.

After Family: You realize your dream car is a second-hand Toyota Previa with washable plastic seats.

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Before family: You thought the soundtrack of your life would be dreamy, experimental pop from an indie band like The High Lamas.

After Family: You realize that the soundtrack of your life is High School Musical 50 times a day.

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Before Family: You thought recyclable and reusable packaging was the unshakeable wave of the future.

After Family: You wonder how anyone could survive without bulk purchases of disposable 250 ml tetra-pak fruit juice boxes.

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When you consider all the changes to your lifestyle, it’s hard to avoid thinking that acquiring a family is seriously bad news.

But the interesting thing is that people who’ve been through this are adamant about one thing.

We wouldn’t have it any other way.

Comments

[Peter Emmett]

Spot on - especially the last sentence. It is amazing how adaptable many families become and how easily we can become comfortable with situations which we thought we would never be able to handle.

Both my daughters, for instance, love to spend time with me reading there books sitting on my lap when I'm sitting on the toilet taking a dump. Sometime they both sit one one leg each! - this previously inconceivable situation is now normal life (I just hope they grow out of it at some stage!)

I suppose though that this also explains that golf is predominantly played by married men with children (me included). It gives us a "legitimate" reason to do something by yourself for 4 hours a week - or per day if you are that privileged :-)

I suppose that might also explain my wife's need to do some urgent shopping for necessities on a regular basis when I am at home with the children - hmmm, I hadn't thought about that until now!

[Nury]

Peter: I couldn't help laugh at the image of you sitting on the toilet with one daughter on each knee!
Especially since they're both in their early twenties.

[Shanoners]

Totally hilarious! And with the comment above (courtesy of Peter Emmett), oh well I just died laughing ;)

[Peter Emmett]

Nury, although my daughters are only 5 & 7 (sorry to ruin the illusion) my fear is that they WILL still be doing it when they're twenty - but instead of reading books they'll be wanting to discuss their personal relationships or, even worse, the socio-economics of the lesser know fequarwi tribe!

[starringmoviesk]

hi i am new here just wana say hi to all members

[Amber Kelps]

Hello everyone...looking forward to using this site!