Readers' answers to the swimsuit problem

The naked truth about those original Olympic athletes

By Nury Vittachi

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Japanese swimmers are secretly wearing Speedos to beat their best times by almost a second, the Asia business correspondent for The Times of London reported.

                Athletes fear that swimming costumes made by Asian firms such as Mizuni and Asics slow them down. This follows reports that swimmers wearing UK-made Speedos have an unfair advantage. Asian swimmers are hoping for technological breakthroughs by top Japanese swimwear firms such as Descente (which strikes me as a terrible name for a company which makes garments which wearers desperately hope will stay up).

               Don’t worry, lads. Readers of this column have come to your rescue. Vince A, writing from the Philippines, said: “Those of us in technologically backward countries have no chance to compete. I vote that all swimming henceforth be sans any swimwear to even things out.”

               Other readers supported this idea, and pointed out that it would boost television viewership and be more true to the original Olympics games, at which participants were naked.

Vince: your idea is perfect in every way, except for the fact that it just won’t work. Most television channels would simply refuse to show the Olympics if athletes appeared as nature intended.

It’s a strange thing. The human being is the only creature to think its own body is weird and disgusting. It is the only animal which will arrest itself for seeing itself naked. This is somehow taken as a sign of our sophistication as a species. Whoever it was among our forefathers who decided that what humans look like naked was some kind of secret clearly did not realize that anyone could blow it by simply undressing. As far as I know, seeing yourself naked in the privacy of your home is not yet illegal anywhere, except perhaps in more conservative parts of Singapore.

                On the subject of nudity, reader John Wilson received a letter while preparing for a stay at the Hong Kong Eye Hospital. “You may consider to bring your own clothes,” the letter advised. Perhaps patients, expecting the hospital to supply everything, have been turning up naked. “I’ll follow the advice,” he said.

                 I also heard from a historian who said that the Olympics were not originally naked, as widely believed. What actually happened was this. A runner called Orsippus of Megara, sprinting along at the Olympics in 720 B.C., lost his shorts in the middle of his race. This must have been horribly embarrassing for his clothing sponsor, which was probably some early Greek sportswear firm with a name such as Reebokos, Nikos, Pumos or Adidos.

                Orsippus stepped out of his shorts, kept on running—and won the race. From then on, everyone followed his example of competing naked.

              It’s also not true that women were not allowed to watch the original Olympics. The rules said that any married women found in the audience would be thrown off a cliff, but single girls were allowed to watch. Perhaps the organizers thought young women would find it educational.

                Anyway, this little history lessons leads us to a clear answer to the swimwear conundrum.

Swimmers who don’t have Speedos and have to wear slow, draggy swimming costumes, can take inspiration from Orsippus of Megara and “accidentally” lose their trunks after starting the race.

And since Japanese swimwear already has the word “Descente” printed on them, it will all seem rather apt.

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Comments

[duskfading]

My husband was bringing home The Standard newspaper for the last 2 months but I never read them. Until this article of yours caught my eye (I don't know if its just the naked word). So I read it over and totally enjoyed your witty sarcasm. Now I find myself backtracking your articles from that pile of old newspapers. Hoorah vittachi! Count me in as one of your readers.

[Vince A]

Duskfading's comments bring me back to when I first discovered Lai See (Nury's column in SCMP) back in 96, when I first landed and lived in HK.

I followed his column for a few months, then someone else took over as Lai See for a while (if I recall that correctly) and I lost interest and he faded from my scene.

Later I discovered he wrote books, such as the classic "Only In Hong Kong" and often gave them out as gifts (often to myself but sometimes to others).

I still remember that day when I saw him sitting by himself inside an MTR carriage, and uninvited,I sat down beside him and chatted with him a bit.

(To this day, I still swear he told me he was from Bangladesh, but every reference I come across says he's from Sri Lanka).

[Bushra]

Bangladesh???????pls tell me Nury is from Bangladesh....

[Nury]

Duskfading (you have to be a poet with a name like that), thanks for your comment, which gave me a warm glow.
Vince -- I am amazed to hear that we actually met. I hope we meet again so I can thank you properly for your contributions. I'm planning to quote you in another piece in the paper -- can I use your real name instead of just Vince A?
Bushra, I was born in Sri Lanka, but I have a soft spot for Bangladesh. The humor articles that this little community produces (I can't really take credit myself) are printed every day in the newspapers of that country, and I get some lovely letters from Bangladeshis.

[duskfading]

Just a self proclaimed poet, Nury. =)

[Gerry Marques]

Dear Nury,

How can guys swimming naked be faster than those who wear swimsuits?

Surely dragging an anchor slows them down...

[Mrs Wicking]

You are way too funny Mr Jam - keep it up.

PS I have a backlog of reading to do (on your blog). This is also a great avoidance strategy for what I am meant to be concentrating my efforts on!

[Yasapala Nanayakkara]

Running naked is good . Even if you loose spectators will watch you and appreciate if your dimentions are corresct