By Nury Vittachi
Scientists in Holland last week announced that they had for the first time mapped the complete DNA of a woman. The DNA of the human male was mapped in 2001, and boffins have also done a number of lesser beasts, such as the dog, the bear, the E. Coli bacterium, the fruit fly, the mouse, and finally, last and definitely least, the human female.
Humanity will at last be able to conclusively identify genetic differences between men and women, a spokesman said.
As usual, scientists have taken years to discover what the rest of us already know.
For example, I know from personal experience that men are genetically programmed to have no opinions whatsoever about the colour of curtains. I have spent years strenuously attempting to have an opinion on the subject, but it is simply not possible.
Unfortunately, women are genetically programmed to not notice that men have no opinion on this topic, and will ask their partners for one repeatedly throughout their lifetimes.
When I am on my deathbed, my wife will ask: “So: what colour curtains do you want at the crematorium?”
And my last words will be, “Er. Ah. Um. I don’t know. Uh, white?”
“White? Are you crazy? What about all the soot?”
Here’s another example of gender-specific programming. If a man puts something down and then cannot find it, he is genetically programmed not to look for it but to ask the nearest woman where it is. She will then find that it is exactly where he left it and she will hand it to him. It’s a kind of comforting ritual.
There are genetic differences in shopping, reader Sara Wan said. Men buy things according to how many unnecessary functions they have, which is why the world now has Internet-connected refrigerators and Bluetooth-enabled rice-cookers. “If we could calculate just how much money is wasted by men buying gadgets with functions they never use, we’d probably have enough to solve all the world’s problems,” she said. Good idea, Sara. I’ll see if I can find a gadget with that function for you.
A reader who did not want her name used said: “I am a married woman. My husband has several functions he does not use.”
Moving right along, a gentleman named Dan said he had seen statistics which said that married men live longer than single men. This could be true. Or maybe it just feels like it.
Men and women also have very different body-clocks. This can easily be proved by observation of The Midnight Conversation, which I’m sure all couples have.
Her: Do you think we have enough quality time, I mean, as a couple?
Her: I mean, when was the last time we really talked?
Her: We don’t talk enough.
Him: You do.
Her: What did you say?
Him: Nothing. Zzzz.
Anyway, I guess these scientists in Holland may come up with some useful information that guys can use. You know what they say. There are two periods when men don’t understand women: before marriage and after marriage.
I shall leave the last word to a female reader. “Imagine a world with no men. No crime and lots of fat, happy women.”