The 2008 Olympics jump the gun

Games begin early but nobody notices

By Nury Vittachi
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Contrary to foreign devil media speculation, we are pleased to announce that absolutely everything related to the 2008 Olympic Games is going brilliantly well. As proof of this, we have decided to begin the games early.

Indeed, the first set of races has already been completed! This was the international leg of the Torch Relay, a complex tournament with each round involving six teams. The event works as follows.

Team one tries to carry a flaming torch through a city centre. Team two tries to intercept the torch. Team three stands on the side and shouts abuse at team two. Team four stands on the side and shouts abuse at Team one.

Teams five and six are news media. Team five makes news reports that are incredibly biased in favour of team one. Team six makes news reports that are incredibly biased in favour of team two.

We are pleased to report that the Torch Relay went so well that it has received more media coverage than any other event in Olympic history.

               Now, here are the results.

Team one, the torch bearers, received favourable reviews from judges in almost all cities. The exception was Hong Kong, where the local government selected its secret network of buddies in business and favoured political parties to act as torch bearers. Guys—secret networks are supposed to be secret. That’s the whole point! D’oh.

Team two, the torch interceptors, did some impressive stunts, climbing bridges and buildings, but lost points for a somewhat tenuous grasp of political history.

Teams three and four (the shouters of abuse) and teams five and six (the biased media) did their jobs very well, with the exception of the BBC, which accidentally produced balanced reports. In this section, the silver went to CNN’s Jack Cafferty for being biased and silly at the same time. And the gold went to CCTV for its brilliant ruse of pretending teams two and four did not exist, thus misleading more viewers more comprehensively than any other media outlet in history. What a performance!

The 2008 Torch Relay garnered so much coverage that this game will almost definitely be repeated in the London Olympics in 2012.

But seriously, folks, I think anything that makes people discuss “sensitive” subjects and hear other points of view has got to be a good thing. And we mustn’t let the political diatribes on either side distract us from the fact that is cool to have a big, world event here in Asia.

So, in an attempt to bring a smile back to the subject of the world’s biggest sports event, I hereby present:

The Top Ten Rejected Games for the Beijing Olympics:

10. Drunken javelin toss.

9. Silly-Westerner-speaking-Mandarin impressions.       

8. Cross-country spitting.

7. Live seafood wrestling.

6. Armed dodge-ball.

5. Obese only child lifting.

4. Multiple foreign tourist fleecing.

3. Rapid street-side DVD selling.

2. Railway ticket window scrum.

1. Egg and chopstick race.

                Meanwhile, activists in China are giving interviews in which they explain that they are getting back at Tibetan separatists by boycotting a supermarket chain in China run by 40,000 Chinese people.

                That’s ridiculous. That’s as illogical, as, say, America being attacked by people from Saudi Arabia and then deciding to take revenge by attacking a completely different country, such as—to pick a place at random—Iraq, for example.

Comments

[isman]

I think any Asian countries should hold an annual Street Merchant Haggling Marathon.

[Lurker_31]

Countries in Asia should hold a "varieties of democracy" race. Target: instill a policy which is labelled Democracy but make it as undemocratic as possible. I reckon the bronze goes to Myanmar, the silver is a tie between Hong Kong and Singapore and the gold goes to China. All have democracy in their constitutions, none allow their people a fair playing field on which they can change their leaders.