Do you take this tree...?

This husband really is rooted in firm foundations

By Nury Vittachi

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Do you want a spouse who doesn’t answer back, keeps both feet on the ground and never, ever runs around? Why not marry a tree?

                That’s what the mother of a Hong Kong reader did. Shrynne (pronounced Shireen) wrote to add her family tale to our file of stories about Asian weddings at which the bride or groom marries a ghost, a painting, a statue, a dog, et cetera.

Her mother was told by a fortune teller that her second marriage would work, but not her first. Wanting to save heartache all round, her mother’s parents reacted by marrying her off to a tree. “It’s easy to get divorced from a tree,” they explained.

After the separation was completed (the tree did not contest it), they married her off to a human.

I imagine Shrynne’s mother must have found her second husband a bit more animated and talkative than her first. (Or maybe not, who knows? He was an Asian guy.)

“It worked so far,” said Shrynne. “My parents have now been married for 42 years.”

                The tree was not available for comment.

                She could also confirm our allegation that the choice of partner was sometimes the least important item in an Indian wedding. She told us about an Indian guy who learned from his bride that the wedding date he had chosen was the day she was due to do her final exams for her medical degree.

                “No problem,” he replied. He changed the date.

No, of course he didn’t. This is Asia. He kept the wedding date and looked for another girl.

I can’t help but wonder how a guy like that breaks the news to his fiancé. “You can’t do June 19^th? Dang. Know any other chicks with incredibly low standards?”

His bride must have passed some names to him, because he married her cousin. That’s lurrve, Asian-style.   

Meanwhile, foreign correspondent Dan Kubiske was intrigued to read our item on Intelligent Elevators. “The Bangladesh Interior Ministry is accepting offers in a tender for Intelligent Equipment,” he said. “My first reaction was to think they were looking for intelligence-gathering equipment such as secret cameras, listening devices and such-like. But then I thought maybe they were looking for equipment that’s intelligent because humans are not.”

On the same subject, Peter Emmett from the Philippines reckons that Intelligent Elevators are a good idea. “We’ll get used to it and one day wonder how we did without them,” he said. He pointed out that few people would have thought that giving away plastic Snoopys with McDonald’s happy meals would be a good idea, yet they’re wildly popular. Actually, Peter, I think it’s a perfect match. Tasteless plasticky things given away with tasteless plasticky things.

From a business-watcher, I got a letter about an intriguing note spotted in a list of official company announcements last week. Shortly to be struck off a company register is a business called: "Hong Kong Loving Wife No 1 International Electric Industrial Limited".

                That’s one of those names has to hide a story. Did Loving Wife Number One not appreciate having an international electric industrial company named after her? How come this guy has to number his loving wives, anyway? How many does he have?

                And why doesn’t the poor woman have a name, anyway? Is she a tree?