After Viagra: the next super-pills

Say yes to drugs

By Nury Vittachi

THIS WEEK, MEDICAL RESEARCHERS all over the world pause for a moment to acknowledge the birthday of the most successful drug of the modern era. Viagra was launched ten years ago.  At a dinner party recently, I was surprised to hear women name it as a breakthrough which had improved the lives of women in Asia.

But isn’t it for men?

            “Men take it for women,” a 40-something woman explained. She and her friends then went on to brainstorm 10 other drugs that needed to be developed and “force-fed” to males.
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New Drugs For Men (by women)
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1.       Anniversia: Triggers memories of birthdays and wedding anniversaries while simultaneously loosening spending inhibitions at jewelry shops.
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2.       Verbiloose: One 10 ml spoon of this before dinner will make a man willing to talk about his feelings for 20 minutes.
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3.       Slendavis: Widens and flattens the male cornea, making wives appear slim and willowy.
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4.       Belchex: Adds foul taste to stomach gas making men scared to burp et cetera.
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5.       Aspirude: Small white tablet that prevents men from telling off-colour jokes at dinner parties.
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6.       Combovex: Shortens hair at the sides of the head, so men cannot make themselves look silly by combing locks over their bald spot.
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7.       Sportoblind: Reacts with the optic nerve to prevent men recognizing the word “sports” on the TV schedule.
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8.       Gadjesterol: Deadens the area of the brain that makes men buy overpriced gadgets.
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9.       Chorocet: Two spoons at breakfast and your man will have an insatiable desire to do household chores.
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10.   Storophobex: After 10 c.c. of this a day for two weeks, men are able to go shopping with their wives and wait patiently in stores – even boutiques and underwear shops – for an astonishing four hours.
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The men at that particular dinner party were not going to take that lying down. They drew up their own list.
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New Drugs For Women (by men)
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1.       Tirelynol: Prevents tiredness and headaches at bedtime.
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2.       Shoppiproofen: Two five ml doses taken at breakfast will enable a woman to walk straight past stores without entering.
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3.       Moodifix:  Fifteen mls of this doubles the length of time a woman stays in one mood before changing to another, i.e., from about two minutes to four, if you’re lucky.
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4.       Canotaddium: Reacts with the left side of the brain to alleviate the intrinsic female fear of math.
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5.       Vaniticillin: Enables women to walk past reflective surfaces without checking make-up.
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6.       Irrationalicet: Helps women maintain a logical argument without drifting off into side issues, such as, “But do you love me?”
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7.       Pricetagia: Alleviates female blindness to pricetags.
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8.       Clarium: Enables women to hold and compare two separate thoughts, such as “Why is my diet not working?” and “I think I’ll have some more chocolate.”
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9.       Slatewypia: A five c.c. dose of this prevents women from remembering anything their male partner said more than a year ago.
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10.   Naggicease: Disables the vocal chords for up to five hours.
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A doctor at the party said that some of the drugs postulated above may even be in production already. That’s interesting, because I’ve just remembered it’s my wife’s birthday soon, and I feel this bizarre urge to head to the jewellery shop…

Comments

[Darwin]

I'm honestly not joking but I saw a bottle with the label 'Retardex' at the pharmacy this week.

[Are you Neo?]

Hmm... and here I thought all this time I have been drinking beer I've just been taking my daily dose of Slendavis?

With our medication addicted society, I am surprised that the Matrix blue and red pill have not proliferated themselves yet (you know- one slaps us awake and the other just keeps us in fantasyland?).