Finally, Asian men speak about their feelings
By Nury Vittachi
Yes, men and women do speak different languages, most readers agreed. “When a woman says ‘I’ll call you’, she means the following day. When a guy says it, he means in 10 or 15 years,” said one email-writer. Not that she was bitter.
A reader named Mishi said that Asian men had an additional specific problem. Not only did they not speak the same language as women, they often didn’t speak at all. To counter that, I hereby reproduce a survey I did a few months ago on questions women would like men to answer.
1. Why don’t Asian men talk about their feelings?
We don’t have any.
2. No seriously, why don’t guys in Asia share what they feel?
We only know how we feel about some things (money, cars, sports, computers and Pamela Anderson’s vital statistics), but you probably don’t want to hear about those.
3. How come Asian girls grow up to be women, but Asian boys just grow up to be bigger boys?
Hey, at least we’re consistent.
4. How come Asian men are incapable of showing emotion to women, but are affectionate to cars and computers?
Cars and computers we understand.
5. Why is it that sometimes you ask an Asian guy a question and he just totally ignores it?
6. Why don’t Asian men like animals?
We love animals. Boiled, cooked, fried, fricasseed, curried...
7. Why do Asian men look down on women?
You’re five foot four inches and we’re five foot nine inches. D’oh!
8. Why won’t Asian men change the baby’s diapers?
Clothes are your department. We thought the old diapers looked just fine.
9. How come Asian men never do their share of kitchen work?
This is true of men in all over the world. As Erma Bombeck said, the only cooking men do is barbecues because it involves danger.
10. Why do Asian men add so much chilli to their food that it blows their heads off?
See reference to danger in previous question.
11. Why do Asian guys only like movies which climax with a huge explosion?
Ask Sigmund Freud.
12. If you give a baby to an Asian male, why does he hold her at arm’s length as if she is an unexploded biological weapon?
Babies ARE unexploded biological weapons. Have you seen the stuff that comes out of them?
13. Why are Asian men so macho?
Somebody has to be now Western men have gone metrosexual.
14. Why don’t Asian men ever do pillow talk after a romantic interlude?
After one enjoyable night-time activity, we do the other: sleeping.
15. Why don’t you have an opinion on whether we look better in this dress or that dress?
Our taste sensors are not sensitive enough to differentiate between fabrics. NEGLIGEES we may have an opinion on.
16. Does my bottom look big in this?
We refuse to answer this question because whatever we say may be used against us.
17. Why don’t Asian men do any housework?
We define working to pay for the house as housework.
18. Why are Asian men such jerks?
Look, if both sexes were sensitive and self-aware, who would mend the cars and computers?
Tomorrow: Free blood flow improvement service with tomorrow’s column