The Questions Men Won't Answer

Finally, Asian men speak about their feelings

By Nury Vittachi
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Yes, men and women do speak different languages, most readers agreed. “When a woman says ‘I’ll call you’, she means the following day. When a guy says it, he means in 10 or 15 years,” said one email-writer. Not that she was bitter. 

A reader named Mishi said that Asian men had an additional specific problem. Not only did they not speak the same language as women, they often didn’t speak at all. To counter that, I hereby reproduce a survey I did a few months ago on questions women would like men to answer.
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               1. Why don’t Asian men talk about their feelings?

                We don’t have any.

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              2. No seriously, why don’t guys in Asia share what they feel?

                We only know how we feel about some things (money, cars, sports, computers and Pamela Anderson’s vital statistics), but you probably don’t want to hear about those.

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                3. How come Asian girls grow up to be women, but Asian boys just grow up to be bigger boys?

                Hey, at least we’re consistent.

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                4. How come Asian men are incapable of showing emotion to women, but are affectionate to cars and computers?

                Cars and computers we understand.

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                5. Why is it that sometimes you ask an Asian guy a question and he just totally ignores it?

      ….

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                6. Why don’t Asian men like animals?

              We love animals. Boiled, cooked, fried, fricasseed, curried...

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                7. Why do Asian men look down on women?

You’re five foot four inches and we’re five foot nine inches. D’oh!

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                8. Why won’t Asian men change the baby’s diapers?

Clothes are your department. We thought the old diapers looked just fine.

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                9. How come Asian men never do their share of kitchen work?

                This is true of men in all over the world. As Erma Bombeck said, the only cooking men do is barbecues because it involves danger.

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                10. Why do Asian men add so much chilli to their food that it blows their heads off?

                See reference to danger in previous question.

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                11. Why do Asian guys only like movies which climax with a huge explosion?

              Ask Sigmund Freud.

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                12. If you give a baby to an Asian male, why does he hold her at arm’s length as if she is an unexploded biological weapon?

               Babies ARE unexploded biological weapons. Have you seen the stuff that comes out of them?

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                13. Why are Asian men so macho?

                Somebody has to be now Western men have gone metrosexual.

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                14. Why don’t Asian men ever do pillow talk after a romantic interlude?

                After one enjoyable night-time activity, we do the other: sleeping. 

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                15. Why don’t you have an opinion on whether we look better in this dress or that dress?

               Our taste sensors are not sensitive enough to differentiate between fabrics. NEGLIGEES we may have an opinion on.

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                16. Does my bottom look big in this?

                We refuse to answer this question because whatever we say may be used against us.

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                17. Why don’t Asian men do any housework?

                We define working to pay for the house as housework.

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                18. Why are Asian men such jerks?

                Look, if both sexes were sensitive and self-aware, who would mend the cars and computers?

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Tomorrow: Free blood flow improvement service with tomorrow’s column

Comments

[Jan]

I don't want to disillusion you about this Nury, but I'm afraid your survey is inaccurate. It is not Asian specific, I'm afraid - all men think like this!

[Stevedore]

Not true, jan. Western men can be very fluent and verbal. Id explain more but I can't think of any examples.

[Darwin]

"Babies ARE unexploded biological weapons. Have you seen the stuff that comes out of them?"

I couldn't agree more with this, lol!

[Nagasaki]

You are "fluent and verbal" but you can't think of any examples, yeah, well that says it all, Stevedore, doesn't it? Men, contrary to what people say, are the moody ones, and often have long periods of almost no speech. Sometimes for days. Women, on the other hand, have a reasonable, consistent level of speech pretty much all the time.

[Nury]

Darwin's definitely a girl, she owes you two beers, Steve.

[Another point of View]

Another Point of view

1. Why don’t Asian men talk about their feelings?
We do- just not usually verbally but I think you usually misinterpret our complex methods of expressing ourselves through body language...

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2. No seriously, why don’t guys in Asia share what they feel?

Because you'd just mock us...or the metrosexuals in the West would...

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3. How come Asian girls grow up to be women, but Asian boys just grow up to be bigger boys?

Bad role models

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4. How come Asian men are incapable of showing emotion to women, but are affectionate to cars and computers?

They dont' mock us....

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5. Why is it that sometimes you ask an Asian guy a question and he just totally ignores it?

Hey, wanna check out my new car and/or computer?

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6. Why don’t Asian men like animals?

Because we understand their complex methods of expressing themselves through body language...and they mock us

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7. Why do Asian men look down on women?

We actually secretly fear you

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8. Why won’t Asian men change the baby’s diapers?

Hey, wanna check out my new car and/or computer?

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9. How come Asian men never do their share of kitchen work?

Short attention spans...

10. Why do Asian men add so much chilli to their food that it blows their heads off?

Because today is ALWAYS a good day to die (sorry- just watched 300)!

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11. Why do Asian guys only like movies which climax with a huge explosion?

Huge Explosions are how we express our feelings....

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12. If you give a baby to an Asian male, why does he hold her at arm’s length as if she is an unexploded biological weapon?

I have to agree: "Babies ARE unexploded biological weapons."

The next season of 24 is all about this

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13. Why are Asian men so macho?

Because we all now have to live in the shadow of the almighty Bruce Lee

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14. Why don’t Asian men ever do pillow talk after a romantic interlude?

You tire us...and you usually misinterpret our complex methods of expressing ourselves through body language and/or barely audible grunts

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15. Why don’t you have an opinion on whether we look better in this dress or that dress?

Hey, wanna check out my new car and/or computer?

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16. Does my bottom look big in this?

Because finding the right answer to this is akin to finding the meaning of life

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17. Why don’t Asian men do any housework?

Not dangerous enough...

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18. Why are Asian men such jerks?

We secretly fear you...

[Sharanya]

Hilarious! :D

[Joyce]

Personally, I objected questions 3, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 13 and 17 as all these never happen to my father. Moreover, the rest of questions is not specifically concluded to all Asian men only. I would say it could be anyone. It's an indeed subject matter of individual.

[Poppy]

Thanks for sharing with us the fact that men communicate through body language. So THAT'S why you fart and burp all the time!!!

[mochachocolata-rita]

Are we talking about Asian men including local Hong Kong boys?

HK boys are so metro:
- They spend hours in the morning molding their hair into porcupine-like sculptures
- They carry brandnamed purses (LV messenger bag, gucci tote bags, come on!)
- They wear dangling earrings
- They wear PINK all the time
- They wear tight fitted shirts with floral patterns
- They own more than 5 different bottles of perfume
- They have hello kitty thingy dangling off their purses
- I am not allowed to touch their hair
- The possibility of wearing a baseball cap scared the heck outta them, as it will ruin the hair
- They roam around Mong Kok's Trendy Zone, browsing hello kitties and my melodies
- They shrieked "hoooo cuteeeee arrrr!" at cutesy things, including hello kitties and my melodies
- I thought they were all gay until I saw them groping their girlfriend

[Worried Wom]

Ms Mocha makes a good point. I think Nury is showing his age. Mature Asian men are very macho but young ones are just like Mocha says, they are so cute that they seem gay or effiminate at least. It kind of worries me. If both sexes are worried about their hair and their perfume, who's going to fix the cars and computers?

[mochachocolata-rita]

Worry no more, worried. These metro cutesy boys still fix cars and computers, they just do it in style. LOL

[The Women's Committee]

Excuse me. WE fix the cars and computers these days. And we do it a damn sight better than the men used to.

[Dan Kubiske]

Why do Asian men collect Hello Kitty items?
To be honest I don't know. But maybe it is because they can actually get lucky in a Hong Kong or Japanese bar with "Would you like to come up and see my Hello Kitty collection."

[catterpillarboy]

It is interesting that you guys mention the hot pink, perfume wearing, Sanrio collecting madness of the HK Metro male youth...here in the States, Asian American Males are embroiled in a better battle to fight the public perception that Asian men are either effeminate, nerdy or just plain losers...looks like we won't be getting help from our cousins out east...(visit the awesome www.angryasianman.com for more info on our fight)...

By the way, I sculpt my hair to porcupine like structures too, but it only takes me about five minutes average and ten max- I think the dudes you know are using the time to do other things they might not want you to know...and yes- you can touch it if you want...

[CC-5052]

Clearly, humour is lost on some. An amusing read, nonetheless. Can't say I'd disagree with some of the answers.