No sniggering please

NEW WORDS FOR A NEW AGE

By Nury Vittachi
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TODAY IS THE ANNIVERSARY of the discovery of the planet Uranus. I’ll never forget the time I was asked in front of a school audience to name the seventh planet, and I pronounced it in a way that give rise to much sniggering among the schoolboys.

                Sadly, it was only much later that a reader informed me that the man who discovered Uranus actually wanted it to be called (this is not a joke) George, and insisted on using that name for it until his death. Someone else called it Uranus, giving generations of children a reason to smirk at their teachers.

Talking of coined words, I really feel the English language just doesn’t have enough terms for all the new things it needs to describe these days.

So I sat down with some regular contributors to this column and came up with the following suggestions for brand new words which are desperately needed:

Abdomoan: The strange whining noises that come from your stomach when you’re doing the Atkins no-carbs diet.

Abracandalabra: The technique of adding candlesticks to the table to make dinner magically romantic.

Abriefiated: A description of your outfit after customs officers have made you strip to your briefs.

Absolescence: Teenage ability to make any adolescent trend instantly out of date, as in: “That’s so ten minutes ago.”

Chickweed: Slim, pastel-colored cigarettes marketed for young women.

Chimpansy: The male monkey who sits in the corner of the cage, refuses to wrestle for supremacy with the alpha male apes, and spends his time doing another chimp’s hair.

Crushtasian: Getting into overcrowded public transport in Asia and feeling like a tinned prawn.

D’ohrivative: Catchphrase or cartoon style copied from The Simpsons.

Feedelity: Loyalty displayed by stray cats who assemble on the street corner at the same time every day to be fed by a mad cat lady. This term can also be used for teenagers who never emerge from their rooms except at feeding time.

Feetal position: The way your suffering toes curl under when there’s snow on your shoes.

Fidociary: A dog owner’s duty to set aside money to provide for his pet.

G’iggello: Men you can hire to come to your house and laugh at your jokes.

Hegemoney: Acting like you rule the world purely because you are a rich country.

Macademia: The world of Scottish universities.

Paradime: A so-called revolutionary concept that’s actually a worthless cliché.

Protagony: The certainty that the main character in any story is going to suffer.

Schwaltz: Sentimental orchestral theme that rises to a crescendo at the climax of movies for women.

Sermoney: Cash raised by religious message designed to lay on the guilt.

Shoestopper: Poorly chosen song that embarrasses the DJ as everyone flees the dance floor.

Statistickle: Using a quick, un-sourced statistic to liven up a weak argument.

Subpriminals: Villainous bankers who fouled up the US mortgage system.

Untourage: Invisible, plain-clothes guards that surround really, really famous people.

Verbaiting: When a woman and a man argue and the woman quotes word-for-word something she remembers the man said weeks, months or years ago.

Wilocity: Speed at which hitherto unknown relatives appear when a rich person’s will is about to be read.

                Want to add to this list? Send me your suggestions and they’ll be included in a follow-up column.

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Tomorrow: 16 remarkable ways Asia has changed

Comments

[not mine but...]

From Disgrasian.com

DISGRASIAN DICTIONARY
Amazian - Amazin' Asian.
Anti-Asian - A mystical quality that makes a person look 10 years younger than their age. Example: Gong Li looked hot in Miami Vice...is she using Anti-Asian face cream?
Blasian - Black Asian. And badass.
Chinysteria - The alarmist fear that China is our new enemy and wants to poison our food, eat our dogs, take over the country and force us all to speak Ching-Chong.
Dental Disgrasian - Disgraceful person with f-ed up, toothy teeth. Example: William Hung.
Discrazian - Shameful member of the tribe who is also crazy.
Disgaysian - Shameful member of the tribe who also happens to be gay.
Disgrasianmobiles - The Honda Element and the Toyota Scion; souped-up Acuras; a brand spankin'-new Infiniti.
Emancipasian - Freedom.
Exploitasian - Yellow exploitation.
Fashism - The oppressive, unassailable ideas handed down by the Fashion world.
Gaysian - Fun.
Gongbang - An assault on the ears of gonging sounds that occurs in movies and television whenever someone or something Asian appears on screen. Example, Long Duk Dong in Sixteen Candles.
Hardass Asian Parents - Our mothers and fathers, whom we, despite our achievements and senses of familial duty, are usually disappointing.
Honorasian - Honorary one of us.
Ka-Ching-Chong - Foreign language spoken by business-minded people who see dollar signs in the place of one billion slanty-eyes.
Malapropasian - Asian who uses sucky speech, or sucky speech used by Asians.
Mistasian Identity - Mistaking one of us for another; a result of believing that we all look alike.
Muslasian - Muslim Asian.
Mutasian - A recurring archetype in movies and television who does not have speaking lines. Also known as an Ornamental.
Nipple Slipple - Peek-a-Boobie!!!
Nuddhism - Religion practiced by Far Eastern nudists.
Race Hustlers - Michelle Malkin's pet name for us!
Racial Dilettante - A person who dabbles in the affect of another race or races (see Racial Drag), particularly when that race is "IN."
Racial Drag - Accoutrement and/or affect donned by one race to mimic another. Example: when a white girl wears chopsticks in her hair.
Ricism - Racism against, among, and for rice eaters.
Samurite - White Samurai who is typically the only person on Earth capable of saving innocent Japanese villagers from evil warlords and marauders.
Uncle Tam - Yellow Uncle Tom.
Yellowface - When a non-yellow person wears geisha make-up or slanty eyeliner while speaking mangled English. See also, Racial Drag.

[Mr. Eggy]

Not a lot comes to mine at the moment but one I use is "Eggy" to describe TV shows, movies and/or literature that originates from a source that is usually entertaining. When something is "eggy" it means that the creators have hit writers block and what may have started out fine just tail spinned into ridiculousness and/or absurdity...for a fine example (especially if you are a geek), see any of the first two seasons of Star Trek: The Next Generation where you know the smart concepts are there, but for some reason, they rather just have Counselor Troi and/or William T. Riker fall in love with a random alien of the week (egginess also applies to the later seasons of the X-Files and the majority of Ann Rice's work)

The term originated from Buffy: The Vampire Slayer fanspeak who call bad episodes of that show "Bad Eggs". When I tried to explain that to my wife she just began calling everything that sucked as "eggy' and the terminology just stuck.

[So Goth I'm Dead]

"Pulling Taffy"- descriptive term to the way Goth kids dance at the club