How to order fast food in Asia
By Nury Vittachi
MY FRIEND’S DAUGHTER works in a fast food shop in Hong Kong. I watched her and her friends in action the other day.
The weird thing is that the staff can communicate perfectly well in English with anyone from Hong Kong, South Asia, East Asia, or pretty much any other part of the region.
But when a fresh-off-the-boat tourist enters the restaurant, communication gets difficult. Monolingual English speakers from America, for example, “hear” Asian-English words differently.
Fast food server: Harlowelcumkaneye L. pyoo?
Customer: What?
Fast food server: Harlowelcumkaneye L. pyoo?
Customer: Er, yes, I’d like one cheeseburger please.
Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon?
Customer: Excuse me?
Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon?
Customer: Oh, no, I don’t want a double-Swiss with Baygon, I mean bacon. I just want a normal cheeseburger.
Fast food server: Humbugger wit jees. Setter Al Eckart?
Customer: Pardon me?
Fast food server: Setter Al Eckart?
Customer: Ah, got it. A La carte, please.
Fast food server: One-for-rice wee tat?
Customer: No, I don’t want rice, thank you very much.
Fast food server: One-for-rice wee tat!
Customer: Oh, yes, please, I want fries with that.
Fast food server: Smormy dyumludj?
Customer: I’m sorry, would you mind…?
Fast food server: Smormy dyumludj. U juan smor, me, dyum, ludj?
Customer: Medium.
Fast food server: Ad too duller soup a size.
Customer: What?
Fast food server: Ad too duller soup a size.
Customer: Not supersized, thanks. I’m fat enough already, ha ha!
Fast food server: Wad rink u juan?
Customer: Fresh orange juice, please.
Fast food server: Fray soringe ad too duller. Chippa u buy set.
Customer: Okay, gimme a set.
Fast food server: Wit set you juan?
Customer: Cheeseburger.
Fast food server: Dull Swiss wit Baygon set?
Customer: Excuse me?
Fast food server: You juan dull Swiss wit Baygon set?
Customer: No, I don’t want – actually, maybe I do want Baygon. At least it would kill my appetite.
How come Asians can communicate with other Asians using this bare-bones English, while tourists struggle with it? Because English is really a whole group of languages. A tourist who speaks only “the Queen’s English” limits himself to communicating with speakers of that dialect. But if you speak Asian English—which I propose we call Englasian—you end up with a language the majority of people on Earth can understand.
In fact, I reckon we should train the Queen of England to speak it. I can just picture her on her next tour of Asia stepping off the Royal yacht and saying: “We are most amused to be here. My husband and I would like to say harlowelkumkanwee L. pyoo.”
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Tomorrow: The questions Asian men will never answer
